Things on My Mind in January

I thought I would go through my blogs, and see what I wrote about during the month of January over the years. January is usually a time of reflection, as new goals are made, but the sloppiness of winter challenges motivation. Here are some of my January thoughts over the last 10 years... they are random thoughts... but then again, when are my thoughts not random? I cannot help but wonder after reading these posts, what will the next 10 years bring? 

January 24, 2007

I Love Charles. 

I have come to be amazed by him and who he is. He has overcome a less than ideal past (to say the least) and has changed his life in everyway possible. He has surpassed any expectations I may have had and has astonished me in his ability to overcome any obstacles he may face. I have not ever met anyone like him. He is unique and I love him for it. I am so grateful I found him out of the billions of people in the world. I feel such love for him that cannot be expressed in words. I have so loved being married to someone who joined the church later in life. It has added such a great perspective on life that I do not think I would have found without him. He is my favorite person, I would choose his love, his company, over anyone in the world. I love to be with him. My favorite sound is when I hear a blue rusty truck pull up in the parking lot because it means, he is home! How I live for the moments we are together. How I love him!

I have known him now for 8 years! Before that our paths had crossed numerous times while living in Alaska. We were both at the same youth conference. He used to live just down the street from our house. Best of all, the people who used to live in our house in Alaska babysat Charles as a young child. When he first walked into our home he said, "Wow, it feels so good here, very familiar." After awhile we found out he was babysat by the Merrits who used to live in our home before we did - weird!

Anyway, when I met Charles he was actually dating someone else. We sat in the same institute room for a whole semester and never noticed each other. Looking back now, that seems so weird. There were only about 10 other people in the class! One day at the end of the semester we both were assigned to teach our lessons on the same day. Long story short, we noticed each other, and from there we started dating then the rest is history!

I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Charles. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him. I have always felt that way about him. Mom told me, "he is not the one". I always tried to listen to my mama, but in this case I knew he was "the one". I think she may feel differently about Charles now. : ) I have always known he was "the one". I could see in his eyes what I wanted to see for forever. When I saw a picture of him as a young man I said to myself, "I want his children!" I thought that was the best looking boy I had ever seen! I still do. I have not been disappointed in my wish either. His children are as beautiful as I hoped they would be.

I know this all sounds sappy and mushy - that is how I feel about Charles. It is amazing how love can grow over time. From uncertainty to stability. From young love to the love of family and children. I plan to increase this love with each passing day, year, eternity, forever and ever!! 

I LOVE CHARLES!!!

January 14, 2008

The Front Row 

At church we have been sitting in the front row. It is a place I was not very interested in for a long time, especially with small children. However, I have found that it is great! The kids have nothing to distract in front of them and they are so close to the speaker that they sometimes listen! It has really helped with reverence - something we work on constantly. I think respect and reverence are so important at Church (and other places). We focus on it for Family Home Evening often. We still struggle with not giggling during family prayer (I am not talking about the kids!) It is a bad habit from my youth. ;-) 

I love church. Right now I am calling-less, but I have a meeting with the Bishop tomorrow night - so we shall see. I have no feelings about it either way right now. Usually, I have an inkling about it - not this time. I will (of course) do whatever I am asked to do. My favorite church calling would be a Relief Society teacher, but I think those are all full up! ;-) 

Yesterday in Sunday School I learned something of value. It is something I already knew, but repetition is such a great thing because lessons effect you differently at different times of life. The lesson mentioned that even though we keep the commandments, we are not promised a trial-free life. When you examine the lives of some of the most faithful people, their lives are filled with adversity and trials. They do not sit on a fluffy cloud watching the birds fly around them - most often it is quite the opposite. When you examine the life of people like Joseph Smith - you find his life was hardly charmed. 

We are here to be tested, tried, to see if we will prove faithful to the end. We are promised that we will prosper in the land if we keep the commandments, but what does that mean? Doe that mean we can expect to have a life full of health, wealth, and ease? Hmmmm . . . I do not think so. I think it means that as we keep the commandments we will be strengthened, we will come to know that all things that happen to us, as we keep the commandments, are for our good. Our "prosperity" may not come until the time we meet with our Heavenly Father. I do not consider the life of Joseph Smith to be a life full of worldly prosperity, but I am certain he is "prospering" now! 

One of the comments from the lesson was about a young couple just out of school. They were wondering why after keeping the commandments (going to school, having a family, etc.) why they were struggling financially and why things were so "hard". Now, I can personally relate to this. I suppose you imagine that when you do what is commanded of you, that suddenly flowers bloom in infertile soil. Sometimes - they do, they really do. But often miracles happen in unexpected ways. There is no promise that if you keep the commandments life will be easy. Do we pay tithing because it means we will be financially secure if we do? Or do we pay tithing because that is what God commanded us to do - so we do it. 

The famous Nephi quote is: 
"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 

So, even though it may not be apparent that God is aware of your trials, and it may seem as though it does not make sense how things are working out right now - in time, if you are truly doing what the Lord commands, He shall prepare a way for you! Sometimes, we just have to grab tight to the iron rod and keep one foot in front of the other. Joy beyond anything we can comprehend now will come as we keep the commandments of God - I know that for certain!! 

I LOVE the Gospel! 

January 26, 2009 

The Great Divide 

Over my short span of life, I have devoted much time and energy researching and pondering the importance of family. Family was once a standard to strive for, not a plague to avoid. However, in this day and age, family is not ranked high on the list of tremendous accomplishments. What was once a common-place institution, is now quite uncommon. The definition of family is often attacked, as are the roles of men and women. The "world" has persuasive opinions, and many are swayed into an alternate way of life. The family is under attack, and it is family that we must fight for!

In 1995 the leaders of the Church -- with Gordon B. Hinckley as prophet -- released the inspired and God-directed document, "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." This simple, yet profound document is a divine masterpiece. Every word was examined and chosen with delicate thought and care. This instruction on the family, is the word of God. 

I know it. 

Go to www.lds.org to read "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"

So, why is it, that when this perfect word of God is discussed in a group of people -- there is confusion and doubt? The words are clear. The words are of God -- His commandments. Yes, those nice little rules called "commandments" that we are suppose to obey, willingly, even eagerly. Why do they cause so much conflict? 

I do not recall a time when the Proclamation (or family) has been discussed, that there has not been disagreement. Why? I have often pondered on this question . . . now I know. It is personal. Family is personal. When it is personal, it is emotional. All sorts of interesting things come about when emotions get stirred up. Trust me, I know! And when a perfect blueprint for an ideal family is presented, and it looks nothing like the structure that has been created, then of course -- there will be conflict, confusion, and disappointment. . . 

Now, that being said, I do understand. I understand that everyone is different -- every family is different, of course! We do not all have the same opportunities, and options in life. Some men and women are left widowed, some never marry, some divorced, there are economic hardships, poverty, etc. The different situations are as varied as are people. I do understand that, I really do. I have a great love for those who are fighting to make things work in this complicated, often confusing world. Yet, the Proclamation is for everyone, in every circumstance! Any family situation can be strengthened by following the counsel on the family.

The Proclamation is for us! It is a guide -- a guide to the greatest happiness. It is a guide to show us how life will be if we are to live with our Heavenly Father. After this Earth life, well, it is all about family! We might as well try and pattern our lives as closely to our guide as we can, so that the transition from Earth life, to Eternity -- can be smooth. The Proclamation is a guide to the greatest treasure, a treasure that we can possess forever! 

We have as our example, perfection. The Savior, Jesus Christ, is perfect. We are not left with a mediocre example to pattern our lives after, we have perfection. Can we achieve perfection in this life? No. Do we "throw in the towel" because perfection is out of our reach? No! We must strive to be as much like the Savior as possible. That is why He came to Earth, to show us how to live, and to make it possible for us to live again. He is our example and we should try to follow Him. At least give it all you got! As a result, a lovely result, you find hope and happiness!

"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" -- is also perfect. It is from God. It is our perfect example of how families should, and can be. Can we have a perfect family in this life? Well, that is debatable. We can certainly do our best to create a family that follows the counsel written by a Prophet of God. We should strive to align our family with the counsel given directly from our Heavenly Father. We are not left with a mediocre example of how families should be. We have the perfect example, and we should try and follow it -- not fight against it.

It is like any other principle of the gospel. If you live the word of wisdom, pay your tithing, go to the temple, etc., then you know the blessing that come into your life -- when you do the things that God wants you to do. If you do not do those things, you cannot know with the same surety. If you want to find out how happiness is most likely achieved, then follow the counsel given in the Proclamation, and you will know.

I find myself very grateful. I am grateful for the Proclamation and the powerful direction from God. I am grateful that the Proclamation was available to my family, even before we were married, so Charles and I could make our decisions together about creating our family, based on the word of God, and not our individual ideas. I know that by making a great effort to follow this counsel, we have enjoyed such happy times, and heavenly moments. Not without hardship, but with great joy, and great hope. I am grateful that I have this treasure to share with my children, so that they can be a new generation of God-fearing servants, and continue extending my family's posterity throughout eternity! What a glorious thought! 

I love my family. They are my treasure. Charles is my greatest love, my joy, and my hero. He provides for the needs of our family, and would do so, at all costs. As a young family trying to make it through school, we suffered extreme poverty -- including negative numbers. We have eaten croutons for dinner, slept on the floor, and gone car-less, with children.

Yet, from the moment that my Sammi came into this world, we chose that my role will be that of nurturer, homemaker, and equal partner with Charles -- as he faces the world to provide for us. We are a team. We work together to make up a family. Father, Mother, Children. It is a beautiful thing. I am honored to fulfill my role as a mother, and Charles is honored to fulfill his role as a father. Through poverty, or wealth, our roles remain the same. I am grateful for our equal-opportunity home. We are partners in our family business.

There is not a "position" in this world, that would provide me more fulfillment or satisfaction, than the most glorious position as Mother. There is nothing more beautiful, more Heavenly, or close to the angels, than a mother. A mother is co-creator with God. God loves sweet Mothers, and women with pure mother-hearts. I love being a homemaker. It is a title that would make some women cringe and flee, because those women, do not understand. Homemaking is more than home-cleaning or mind-numbing activities. It is creating a beautiful environment of love, and learning, for the next generation. It is setting a standard of living for your posterity. 

A home is a place where the future is cuddled, in the strength of your arms. Anything is possible within the walls of a home, where a homemaker is present. Anyone can clean a home, but not just anyone can "make" a home. My work is that of constant creation, and nurturing those who need me, and love me. It is truly "work" and I love my job. Madam President of the United States? No, thank you. I am the Queen of my castle. I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior. I am so grateful that I can be with my family, forever. I hope to stand as a witness at all times, in all things, and in all places, to defend the one institution that is the fundamental unit of society, and the substance of the greatest eternal joy -- the family.

January 8, 2010

To the Gym 

So . . . I did it. I joined the gym. After years and years of purely running (and seeing little results), I decided it was time to "shake it up" and do something very different. So, to the gym I go!!

I REALLY enjoy it. One thing I LOVE to do (despite the pain) is lifting weights. I have not done it in 10 years! I think it will be key in achieving my goals, as well. My body has kind of "adjusted" to running. I would run and run, and my body started laughing at me. It was just not good enough -- not for me. Running is still a part of my routine (I do love running) but not the "core" of it. My routine for now is: 30 minutes on the eliptical, 1 hour of weight lifting, and 30 more minutes of treadmill running. It feels so great, so far. After one week, I can already feel a difference (something I have not felt in 3 years). I love being able to feel the effort I put in (like sore muscles). Plus, I can go anytime, regardless of the weather. I just decided it was time. Time for changes -- real change. Running was not cutting it for me anymore, and it became time for more. 

The gym is great because of the people. I see so many different people -- it is awesome! It is fun to be able to get out for part of the day and to be a part of the "land of the living". People from all different walks of life (and ALL different shapes and sizes) come to the gym. It is good to be with them . . . often my interactions with people are limited to church members. It is interesting to see what is really going on in the "world" first-hand. What I love most is watching people working hard, trying to improve themselves, by strengthening their bodies -- it is inspiring!

Today as I was coming towards the close of my workout (running on the treadmill) I was beginning to lose some steam. As I was beginning to weaken (mostly mentally) I looked downstairs to see a lady with crooked knees, two walking sticks, and walking completely hunched over -- climbing up the stairs. I saw this same lady, walking in circles, in the front area yesterday morning. Dressed in her blue and orange (go Broncos!) she was making her way upstairs for her workout. When I saw her come up the stairs, I almost started crying (no one would have noticed since sweat was pouring down my face). It was overwhelming to me . . . watching her determination, despite her very serious physical limitations. So, with new courage, I turned to the dashboard of the treadmill and began pressing the up-level button. I finished my run with a new passion and fervor, heaving my body forward, throwing sweat droplets all over -- struggling not to bawl like a baby. This crinkled, broken, lady had given me POWER. She had given me COURAGE. She had given me HOPE. One of God's angels . . . just for me. 

It is so great. I love the gym. I love improving myself, I love finding new strength, and reaching new goals. I am so grateful to have a body that is "whole". Sometimes I can be so hard on myself . . . seeing every little flaw and panicking over them. Despite my extra baggage, my "junk in the trunk", my stretch marks, and other "imperfections" . . . I am WHOLE. Not everyone is. I will NOT take it for granted! I love me. I LOVE MY BODY . . . which is why I am going to the gym! I am giving it my greatest effort to treat kindly the gift that God has given me . . . ME! 

Maybe, just maybe, through my sweat and determination -- I can inspire someone else to be "powerful" too!

January 21, 2011
Dan the Man 

Daniel has had a hard-knock-life. He seemed to enter the world ready for action and pain. He was introduced into mortal-life with the umbilical-cord wrapped around his neck, cutting off his air-supply, causing him to struggle to take his first breath. It was as if someone was declaring, "Get ready for it, kid. Life is rough. Can you handle it?" Daniel fought for air and his life, and he won his first battle. And so it began . . . Daniel's' test of strength. 

Of all my children, Daniel wins for the most visits to the doctor, hands down, no contest. 

Score so far: (Doctor visits NOT including illness/wellness visits)

Sammi = 1 (only needed glue, not stitches)

William = 0

Daniel = Too many to keep track of! 

I thought I would make a list of all of the injuries (not including illnesses, just wounds) that Daniel has had throughout his young life . . . 

• Born with cord around neck, was purple and alien-like. He was not breathing or crying when he came out. I remember screaming. "Breathe baby, BREATHE!" Luckily, the doctors were able to get him functioning properly.
• Discovered his Cashew allergy after strapping him in a car-seat, and offering him a cashew. He started choking on his swollen throat, lips puffed, eyes closed, and he struggled to breathe. Went to ER, got medicine, made him throw-up.
• Day after immunization he had a bad reaction. His whole body was swollen -- from head to toe. His hands were double the size. He screamed and itched and we ended up back at the doctor. 
• He dislocated his arm at Albertsons. He did the "drop down" move and "POP!" went his arm. I did not know he was really hurt for awhile, until we got to the park and he would not move and just whimpered. Took him to doctor, x-ray showed arm out of socket. Doctor popped it back into place. 
• Hives from head to toe from bunny-food reaction (cashews in bunny food!) 
• Warts on fingers -- cured with vinegar! :-) 
• Large splinter in his butt -- had to go to doctor to remove (It was deep!)
• Sliced head open on plastic corner of bucket -- doctor put staples in back of head
• Sliced head on corner of chair
• Sliced head on corner of Door
• Rash and scabs on his tummy from iron in his jean buttons -- cured with covering buttons
• Heat rash that comes and goes
• Sliced open his gums on the chain-link bridge at the school playground -- oral specialist stitched and repaired gums.
• etc, etc. 

I have spent many hours tending to Daniel's injuries. He and I have spent many lovely nights rubbing ointments and powders, using vinegar, placing band-aides, and riding to the doctor's office. It is rough being the mother of a Super-hero. :-)

As strong as Dan is, he is also very sensitive. 

(He gave me the little flower for my hair.) 

He has a very good heart. 

Some pictures for viewing pleasure . . . (I do not have pictures of everything!) 

Wound from running into the corner of the door

On the same day he had some weird puss-filled blister on his toe that caused him great pain, it was swollen and gross, like nothing I had seen before.

Reaction to mosquito bite, this was after it had calmed down a bit (his face was huge and puffy!) 

Staples in back of head -- ouch!

Rash from head to toe

Warts. (They are ALL gone now! Hooray! Thank you vinegar!) 

Stitches in his gums from playground chain-bridge

(that bridge was removed shortly after his experience!) 

And the most recent injuries from just a few weeks ago . . . 

He landed on a corner of his bunk-bed and he came out screaming . . . "Mom, am I bleeding?" Yes, he was, all over the place. It was deep! I thought it was pretty bad . . . to the doctor for stitches we went. He was amazing and did not even cry. He just laid still as they stitched him up. We got ice-cream afterwards. 

I thought that was bad, until I was called to go to the school to get Daniel -- just a week after the first incident! I walked into the nurses office and she asked me if I was OK. I was fine. (I could not see the wound, it was bandaged up.) The nurse looked nervous, and worried. I found out why, after we got to the doctor. Daniel had run into a pole on the playground, and it looked like a bullet-hole with wood chips stuck in it. You could see down to what looked like his skull. It was a BIG hole! It was the kind of wound that makes my stomach churn and causes me to feel light-headed. 

Luckily, Charles' office is right across from our Urgent Care (that has proved to be very convenient!) so he came right over and sat with Daniel the whole time (I had William, too). After waiting a long time the front desk lady had me go in with Daniel, but they were just starting the stitching process! We walked in (me and William) at the WRONG TIME. Daniel was lying under blue plastic paper with a hole placed over the flesh wound. William was shocked, as was I! I had never seen something so big and deep before . . . it almost beat out the gruesome-sliced-gums experience -- almost! (The mouth aspect made the gums seem worse!) But this one, this new wound, will leave a visible mark -- probably forever. So it made me feel nervous for Dan and anxious to see the final result of the repair-work. They did a pretty nice job turning a hole into a slice. 

Because it was a round hole, they actually had to cut slits off of the side of the hole, so it would be able to close properly. The doctor put stitches on the inside, and out. It is a fairly pretty scar . . . almost Harry Potter-ish. Daniel was actually thinking he should have requested them to add a few slices to turn it into a lightning bolt. :-) 

Notice the fresh scar from the other stitches, they were removed the same time they were sewing him up again. The doctor thought it was pretty comical: stitches out, stitches in. When finished, Daniel leapt from the surgery bed and landed in a spider-man pose -- the doctor looked at me as if to say, "No wonder!" Yes, I agree! No wonder! 

(Neosporin is our new best friend, everyday, for 6 months.)

Daniel is a special kid. He did not cry for the last injury, at all. Not right after it happened, not during stitches, nothing. I think most kids (and adults) would have been horrified. He is a rock. (Thank goodness!) I love my Daniel. The doctor recommended football with the kind of pain-tolerance and physical strength that he has. NOT A CHANCE! All of the things that have happened so far happened during normal life! Football = NEVER! 

Daniel has endured a lot of pain in his short little life, starting from day one, poor thing. Luckily, it would seem that Daniel is equal in strength to the pain he has had to endure. I pray that is true throughout his lifetime. His middle name, Evan, means "Warrior of God". I suppose it is hard to be a warrior, without showing some battle wounds. ;-) And battle wounds my Daniel Evan DOES have! I know he has learned a lot from his experiences with pain, for that I am grateful. If only he could learn to slow down! 

I think part of the reason for many of the injuries is because Daniel "goes all the way". He is a super-strong kid physically (it is kind-of a genetic thing) and just the raw force of his motions and movements are intense. Especially now, as he grows bigger. I am just saying, I want him on my team if super-human strength is required. :-) However, he does need to watch out for Kryptonite . . . and chain-linked bridges, and poles, and door jams, and toy bins . . . 

Be careful out there, my Super-Dan! 

Spread your wings and fly safely little man!

January 25, 2012

Sick and Stuff 

OK, so I was not trying to be a bummer in my last post or anything -- but I have really been feeling low lately. A weird low. More than pregnant/stress/whatever low. Last night, I noticed my throat was sore, and today, I am not feeling so hot. I think I am sick. And I am OK with that. I can own sickness, and deal with it. I am just sick . . . not grumpy/lazy/poopy for no reason. I will be sick, I will get better, and I will move on. :-) No more on that lame stuff.

Also, if you have a blog, then I HIGHLY encourage you to update it more often than just once a month/year! Just remember blogging is not all about the comments and whether or not you think people are reading. It is a history of your life, your family, and it is a fantastic way to document life and time. I have been blogging for almost 6 years now, and I love it. Before blogging I kept a journal with pen and paper, almost daily -- so it was a natural move for me. Now I just need to start printing off my blog to book and I will be good to go!

And one more thing . . . I recently read a blog of a woman who has thousands of followers. This particular woman (a mother) had a very negative tone, she was very pessimistic about life, and even God. And yet, she attracts SO MANY to read her thoughts and words, daily. She even makes money off of her blog -- quite a bit of money. I left her blog feeling saddened and not uplifted, at all. Her blog makes you feel like it is OK to be bummed-out and lame all the time. It got me thinking . . . I may not have thousands of people who read my words and thoughts, likely I have just a handful of readers -- but if only ONE person is uplifted by anything that I say, than it is worth it. I have determined that it is far better to uplift the one . . . than to depress the thousands. 

I want to spread that thought to everyone who has a blog. Use it for GOOD. Use it for THE ONE. (You never know who that might be!) You don't have to be fake, or perfect, or glamorous (I hate reading those blogs), just be YOU. Be honest in what you write. Share your feelings. Share your life and let it uplift others. I have personally been deeply impacted by some of the thoughts and feelings that I have read over the years. Sometimes I have even changed my life because of a quote, a poem, a song, a life-story, even a simple thought. You never know what power you have for good. To possibly change a life? That is powerful!

I do believe that in each of us there is a light to share. And I mean in EACH OF US! That means YOU! Hiding that light does absolutely no good. Sharing your light could make all the difference to someone, somewhere . . . it is worth it. So get writing people . . . someONE is waiting!

January 3, 2013

The Hall Class 

Henry and I are members of the church hall class. He is noisy, fidgety, and he likes to chirp like a bird. So, we spend a good portion of our time sitting on the couch in the foyer, watching all the lovely people go by (it is facinating, you should try it!). 

(The picture above is of me and Sammi, not Henry.)

I love it in the hall class. In some respects, I feel I learn more from observing people and their actions, than I do sitting in on a Sunday School lesson. (There are usually people going in and out of different classes/meetings.) I am naturally a people-watcher, so it suits me just fine to view the actions of those around me. (Yes, I do interact with people, too.) During my time in the hall, I have come to observe what lovely people there are, especially at church. There are so many good, marvelous souls, just trying to do their best. I have also noticed that Mormons can be remarkably beautiful people -- which is nice, because it makes them easier to watch. :-)

"What big eyes you have!" 

"All the better to see you with, my dear."

I was not always happy to be a member of the hall class. With my first child, Sammi, I used to wonder why staying the full 3 hours of church was even necessary, since I spent at least 2 hours in the hall, or mother's lounge. I would go faithfully (and I always will), but sometimes I felt gypped as I had to remove myself from the classroom as Sammi would let out her precious baby shriek. (I left on my own accord, I was not forced out or anything.) Those new mother days were hard! I loved having my sweet baby, and snuggling in the hall (or feeding in the nursing lounge) -- but I also longed for the mental/spiritual stimulation I would receive from attending my classes, especially since I felt like I had pushed out some brain cells along with the placenta. It was a battle for me, but I made it through -- mostly unharmed -- and definitely for the better.

Now that I am older (and wiser), I love the quiet hall class that I get to share with my cherubic baby! I have realized that there is great power just being in the church building. I love being at church. I love being in the Lord's house. And when I can just let the pressure of performance go (you know, putting on the fake-happy smile until your cheeks hurt), and when I can just "be still" -- that is when I can feel the peace and joy that comes from my presence at church. No matter where I am in the building: the chapel, the classroom, the nursing lounge, the hallway, etc., I can feel my Savior's love for me. Even (and often especially), as I sit with my sweet baby in our special limited-time only hall class.

And thanks to my parents, I have a special hall class "manual."  They gave me this book to write my thoughts in, and it has become the perfect thing for me to do, while I am nestled in the comfy church couch with Henry. 

My plan for this book is to fill each page with a favorite quote, and then write some very brief feelings about it . . . nothing complicated or stressful, just thoughts.

 Oh, and I really want to have my handwriting analyzed . . .  it hasn't changed since grade school! 

So, if you are also part of the church hall class, don't hate it, or feel gypped -- embrace it, love it! It will pass quickly . . . too quickly. And one day, you may wish for the sweet and simple lessons taught while holding your eternal posterity tightly in your arms. You may wish you could escape to the gloriousness of the hall class. If you are currently privileged to have a baby to hold, while knocking over chairs, interrupting the class, covered in spit-up, and making a mad-dash to the door . . . just enjoy it! 

You are holding the most important church doctrine in your arms -- no doubt about it! 

January 14, 2014

Everyone is Welcome at Church 

I know that there are people who do not feel welcome at Church. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case, but more often than not -- it is because of disappointing interactions with people. Over the years I have had contact with people that have been offended for one reason or another, and it prevents them from feeling comfortable within the walls of the Lord's house. It is a sad thing, but I have come to really empathize with those who feel this way. Who wants to go to church to be forgotten, or offended? 

No one does!

The thing is, when we go to church, we can all have our "blinders" on. When I enter the church building, I am usually taking a deep breath after the storm that raged while getting all 6 of us showered, dressed, and out the door on time. I am lucky if I can remember to smile after the morning tornado of church clothes, flat irons, and Cheerios. Now that I think about it, I can only remember a handful of smooth-running Sunday mornings. We love church, so we carryout our organized chaos from home to the church building. We will never stop getting ready for church, as long as we live. 

My heart is always welcoming to everyone that comes through the church doors. I try to match my face to show that, but sometimes I am just trying to keep myself calm, while my children teach me the meaning of patience. But smiles, saying "Hello," and being friendly can be very important to those around us. It can mean the world to people! We all carry with us heavy burdens, and kindness and warmth can really help to lighten the load. I have found that kindness given -- and kindness received -- can work wonders for the aching soul.

There is no "one size fits all" at church. We are all different. There is not a "Mormon mold" we have to fit into. (Check out http://mormon.org/people to see how different Mormons can be!) We can be as different as apples and bananas -- but we are all still the fruit of God. We all come from a vast array of different places, perspectives, political views, and backgrounds. But despite our differences, those who come to church all have one thing in common -- we love the gospel! And by going to church we are showing our devotion to our faith, and our Heavenly Father. 

Sometimes our differences can get in the way of our similarities, but it does not have to be that way. We all have so much to learn from each other -- good and bad -- and we can help each other by working together, and by working together we end up shaping ourselves into who we are meant to become.

So, regardless of whether or not people are warm and welcoming -- church is for everyone.  Church is for the saint, and the sinner. (Thank goodness!) We go to church to heal our broken spirits, and we go to help others heal too. We go to church to serve, love, and give. We do not go to church to judge, and be judged. We do not go to offend, and be offended. We go to church because we love Jesus, and His gospel, and we want to participate in the Sacrament made available by His ultimate sacrifice. We go to church to worship God, despite our imperfections, our frailties, and our differences.

Despite our differences, we all belong at church. Because we are all God's children. He loves us more than we can ever fully understand, or comprehend. His gospel is truth, and we all need it in our lives.

I loved this quote by Elder Uchtdorf:

"If you expect to find perfect people here, you will be disappointed. But if you seek the pure doctrine of Christ, the word of God “which healeth the wounded soul,” and the sanctifying influence of the Holy Ghost, then here you will find them. In this age of waning faith—in this age when so many feel distanced from heaven’s embrace—here you will find a people who yearn to know and draw closer to their Savior by serving God and fellowmen, just like you. Come, join with us!" (For full text go: HERE) 

To the saint and the sinner: If you feel like you are not warmly welcomed at church by the people -- come anyway! It is the house of the Lord. The people are not perfect, but the gospel of Jesus Christ is. And I can guarantee that He warmly welcomes you, with open arms, always.

No matter who you are, no matter what burdens you carry -- Jesus loves you!

Come to church for Him!

January 14, 2015 

I Miss His Physical Body 

I miss Charles' body. I know he is still around in spirit, but truly, it is not the same. Most of the time I can carry on without thinking too much about the physical absence, because his spiritual presence is so strong. But other days I just need a hug -- specifically from Charles. There is nothing like a warm embrace, with the person that you love more than anyone. I simply miss that kind of affection. Physical touch is a powerful thing. It was such a vibrant part of my life, and now it is gone. 

Don't take it for granted. 

Charles and I had a powerful chemistry. From the moment that we first danced, there was a great force that pulled us together. It was truly magic. There was such a comfort in his touch. One of my favorite things about him were his hands. His hands were really beautiful. They were strong, working-man hands. I loved holding his hand. It was so comfortable, and so safe. 

I miss that connection with someone. 

I miss having someone to share all of my weaknesses and strengths with. I could talk to Charles about anything, and he knew everything about me. I miss being able to share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas with him. I could say absolutely anything to him. I miss that emotional connection perhaps more than the physical, though I'm really not sure which I long for more. 

I just miss him here with me.

Honestly, sometimes the absence of his body makes me want to scream, because it is so shocking in unexpected moments. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning, and I am caught off-guard by the reality that my life has been completely changed, and I am physically alone. Things will be totally normal, and then I will just have this rush of feeling flood through my body, and I am reminded of my loss, and it can take my breath away. 

I mean, Charles is dead, for crying out loud. That is just plain stupid! 

I so miss his companionship, especially at the end of the day. He used to come home and we would talk about everything that happened in our day, the ups and downs, highs and lows. My days are my own now. Of course I share them with the children, and others, but it is not the same as sharing them with a spouse. I loved hearing all of Charles' intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I loved the way his mind worked. I loved his zest for life. I loved talking with him for hours, and snuggling while watching a movie. 

I loved that he loved me, flaws and all! 

It is so sad to me that when someone dies, they become a memory. Everything that they were in life becomes frozen in time, in words, pictures, video, etc. I think it is especially hard when someone young dies, because there was so much life potentially ahead to live. It makes my heart a little sorrowful thinking of the things Charles will physically miss out on. 

For example, I went to a Cub Scout meeting the other day, with William. He will be turning 8 in April. While I was in the meeting, an unexpected wave of emotion filled my heart. I felt horribly sad that Charles was not there for William, to walk through the Scouting program with him, to take him camping, and help him with everything. Charles loved the Scouting program, and he was so involved with Daniel. It makes me sad that he will not be there for William and Henry. My heart aches the most when I have to go to functions like that -- to activities that were Charles' element, and not mine. 

There was another sad Scouting moment for me. It was an awards night. Daniel was getting a bunch of awards, and they had asked everyone to bring up their parents. But when it came to Daniel they said, "Bring up your mom." I felt very single in that moment, and it made my heart burn. I think I even said, "Dang it, Charles!" in my head. I felt sad, but I smiled as Daniel happily pinned his accomplishments on my shirt. 

There is just some hard stuff that comes up, from time to time. It is often unexpected. 

Life is still surprisingly good. But the good often comes on the other side of the hard. I try and keep my heart open to my feelings, and just embrace them as I go through them -- the happy, the sad, the pain, the joy -- it is all part of life. The emotions are just more intense in all directions now. 

Tonight, I just miss him, and that's as it should be. It is hard to live in mortality, awaiting the perhaps far-off day of our reunion. Experiencing life without your true love, is like being a bird with clipped wings. I have known what it is to truly love, and to fly. I am trying to heal my damaged wings, so I can one day fly again. 

One day at a time. That's the only way to move forward. 

I just wanted to record these feelings, because they are real. I am still feeling very happy, even in these moments of reflection, I am at peace. But I want to make it clear that I miss him, desperately. I always will miss him, until I am with him again. I just love him. And losing your love, your sweetheart, is perhaps one of the greatest trials in this life, and I feel it deeply. 

Today the physical separation is frustrating. 

He was a beautiful man. 

He thoroughly stole my heart. 

January 7, 2016

Faith is for the Future 

The path of faith is directed towards the future. Life is to be lived today, in this moment, and into the future. Living in the past is simply physically impossible; at least until someone invents a time machine. Our bodies demand that we keep stepping into the future, that we keep going forward. The trick is to make sure that the mind is traveling forward too.

It is true that there is great wisdom to be gleaned, and lessons to be learned, by looking back into the past. It is foolish not to learn from those who have gone before us, and to understand history and appreciate what has lead us to be where we are now. It would be unwise not to learn from our mistakes, and the experiences we have had that might not be so pleasant, so we can gain perspective, empathy, and wisdom. It is good to learn from the past, to remember it, to cherish it, and sometimes reflect on the past. But it is not good to live there.

Moving forward is the way to find joy. It requires a tremendous amount of faith and perseverance to let go of the past -- the bad, and even the good -- and be willing to sculpt out a new and hopeful future by the choices that are made today. It is up to us to seek after joy, or find ourselves on another less pleasant path. It can be hard to shake off the things that have lead up to now, but it is not impossible. To let go of the past is to feel freedom in the future.

I loved what President Uchtdorf said:

We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. “This is the day which the Lord hath made … ,” the Psalmist wrote. “Rejoice and be glad in it.”⁶

Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”⁷

I just loved that. I love President Uchtdorf, he really knows how to get to the heart. 

So, how can we see clearly with our hearts, and not just with our eyes? How can we "rejoice and be glad" in the day? I had a very simple experience with this just yesterday. 

It was a kind of gloomy January day, and it was quiet on the home front. I was feeling a little tired, and I was sitting on the couch with Henry watching a show. I rarely just sit and watch a show with him in the beginning of the day, but that is what I did. I can get kind of antsy sometimes, I am always thinking of the next thing I should do, or what I could write, or create, or what to make for dinner, or whatever. But in that moment, I just stopped and was there. I was there with Henry watching a really silly kids show on TV. I let myself really watch it, and get into it, and I was cracking up -- it was hilarious and so creative. It felt so good to laugh, and laughing with Henry was even better. I just lived in the moment -- not in the next moment, or dreaming of dinnertime at breakfast hour -- I was just being fully there, and it was nice. It was really nice. It was not a huge earthshaking experience, but I did rejoice in the simplicity of laughter, and my Henry. My heart felt peace, and not anxious. 

Sometimes you have to let go, to live now. Tell your brain to calm down, so you can really see clearly the world around you, and enjoy it. 

Each day we wake-up and a fresh canvas is there for us to create our lives on. We have choices to make. Our choices will determine our destiny and our future. One of the most amazing things about life is that anything is possible. We do not have to limit ourselves. Even if we have limits, we can take them, and often break them. Sometimes our minds get in the way of our divine and ultimate potential. But we are meant to be glorious, we are meant to be great. Allow yourself to feel your own greatness -- not in an egotistical way, but in a divine and Heavenly way. 

I find it really healthy to take life one day at a time, but with a future goal in mind too. Live in the moment, embrace the day, but also work for something, strive for something, make yourself more than you were yesterday. Have faith in who you can become, have faith in your potential, and your ability to conquer and overcome the things that have held you back in the past. The roadblocks of the past, do not have to define the potential of your future. 

President Uchtdorf stated: 

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so, Heavenly Father will reveal to us things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.

Enjoy the day. Let go of the past; it is gone, it is finished. Do something that will help you to feel joy. Joy takes action, so take action. Maybe today is the day that you ask Heavenly Father to light your path, so you can discover what unimagined talents are lying dormant within you. You just never know what you are capable of. Do not be afraid to find out! Whether you make the most of your day and your life, or not, the time will pass anyway. 

Do not be afraid to be as great as Heavenly Father knows you are. 

Have faith in YOUR future!