A Break in the Storm

We were greeted by thunder as we stepped out the front door. It was a hot evening, but I wanted to take everyone for a walk, and get some exercise. As we made all our preparations to leave, the thunder started to roar right over our house, so we had a decision to make. 

We decided to press forward on our walk, because it did not seem too stormy, or fast moving. We made it down the street when the rain started to pour and the lightning joined in harmony with the thunder. We had a choice to turn back home, or press forward towards some nearby covering to wait out the storm and then keep going. I asked the children how they felt about continuing the walk, and most of them said, "Let's do it!" 

At one point it was raining so hard we had to run for it to get to a covered area. We found a great place at a park to stop and enjoy the storm. The view was awesome all around. We stayed under the covered area and basked in the glory of pouring rain, thunder, lightning and wind... what could be better than that? (I LOVE storms!) 

The kids took the time to get in some pushups while we were waiting. 

The rain came down hard! It was so wonderful! We have needed the rain. It seems like the skies have been cloudless this summer, or just covered in smoke haze. I love it when there are cloud formations in blue skies. I love it when there is some variation in the weather, not just hot!

To top it all off... there was a rainbow! We would have missed all of the excitement had we just stayed home. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was the school. And I will say, it has been just golden for me! I have half the day to myself, perhaps the best therapy of all!

 After the storm.

 Zoie wondering why we are so crazy.

Watching the storm develop and break was so beautiful. It made me think of the anxiety I have had, and how my anxiety storms will rage, but then they will break, and leave my soul filled with sunshine and hope. I have been feeling peace lately, and for that, I am extremely grateful. My body and mind has let go of the anxiety I have felt, at least for a time, and I will take what I can get. For those who have never had anxiety, it really is like a mental and physical storm that seems to cloud out the sunshine. I would not have believed the intensity was possible, had I not experienced it for myself.

I have noticed that so much of my anxiety comes when I am physically tense, like I will literally be holding my breath, or tensing my shoulders so much that they hurt. When they talk about the importance of deep breathing through anxiety attacks there is a reason -- because when the anxiety is present, people forget to breathe! (Exercise is the BEST way for me to curb anxiety.)

For me, anxiety seems to come from fear of the unknown, this is a new development over the last year. I have had times of feeling anxious in my life, but nothing like what I have experienced with the physical symptoms that do not relent. There are too many unknowns in my life, and so it is no wonder I hold fear in my heart, if I think about the future too much. This is why living in the moment is really the key to happiness. I cannot change the past, nor control the future.

Today is all I have.

One thing I am working really hard on is trying to let go of the past. Not that I want to forget Charles, but I need to try and let go when the PTSD moments come to my mind, especially with imagery and moments surrounding his death. Those moments find their way into my mind, and I actually have to catch myself in my thoughts and tell myself to "Let it go." And sometimes that is all it takes. I need to redirect my thinking. This is not always easy, but I am trying really hard to be OK with letting go of all that has happened. The loss and pain is a part of me, it has defined who I have become; but it does not define my future. I get to define my future with my choices.

I choose to pursue happiness.

This "let it go" thinking is a new thing I am trying, and is not something I have been given from my therapist. I have not been to see him for over a month. I am tapering off, and seeing how life goes without it for awhile. I was only ever doing talk therapy, and never used medication; though I was willing to, if I needed it. But I personally really wanted to try to make it through without medication, because my widowhood is not going away in this lifetime, and I want to learn to manage the feelings associated with my grief and pain, and not just numb it. This is my personal journey, and how I have chosen to handle it, but let me just say that I know medication has saved many that I love, and so I am grateful it is there for those who need it. If I had gotten to the point where I needed it, I would have taken it, even despite myself and my concerns.

Pretty much every time I would visit my therapist, I would get the same answer, and that was to pray for the answers that I need, study the scriptures diligently, and ask God for the guidance I desire. Go figure, right? But was I diligently doing those things? I was reading and praying, but not with all the energy of my heart, until more recently, when my heart was without energy and so with "all the energy of my heart" was literally giving everything I had.

I think part of going to a therapist for me, was to realize I really do have access to everything I need to overcome my grief and struggles; but to overcome is an action word, and requires a very diligent effort on my part. (I knew that too, but I do not always do the things that make me feel good. Sometimes I know what to do, but I do not do what I know.) Of all the professionals I paid to see -- both for physical and mental health -- none of them have told me any great secret that I did not already know. The trick, or the secret, is in the doing: taking action.  Now, I will cut myself some slack, because I was sick with mono for a large part of the last year, which seemed a catalyst for the anxiety I have experienced, or maybe it was the other way around with anxiety causing mono to manifest itself. But now, my mono is gone, and I am left with the aftermath of myself to repair and move forward.

I learned a lot about myself over this last year, and one thing I learned was that I have an inner strength in me, and I did not know it was so strong. Somehow I managed to do everything I needed to do, despite the awful feelings that I was experiencing. I pressed through the pain in moments where I could have given up. But I did not give up! There were days where I could not imagine feeling good ever again, because I had become used to feeling so bad. I am feeling so much better now.

I know that I was meant to experience the intensity of this last year for a reason. It was not without result, and refinement. I am a better more faithful person than I was before. I have a new found compassion and love for those who struggle with mental and physical illness. I stand in admiration of those who deal with such great trials on a daily basis. I pray the angels will attend all who suffer, so that they will not shrink from the pain. I know that pain is a part of life, but I also know that happiness is possible through the pain, as we focus on the things that matter most: the things of God.

I actually prayed to my Heavenly Father awhile ago, when my heart was gripped with fear, and my body was filled with pain, and I let Him know that either I was going to have a breakdown or a breakthrough. I begged for His help because breaking down is not really an option for me, as a widowed mother, and so I pled for Him to make me equal to my tasks, and allow me the strength that I needed to press forward. He granted my request, and somehow, even on really hard days... I kept moving forward.

I want you to know that I have been to dark places. I have walked through stormy paths, but I have never been left alone or unattended. Angels have always been there to lift me up in my lowest moments. And even in the darkness that I have experienced, I have held onto hope, and clung to my sometimes feeble courage. I believe in better days to come. I will always believe in better days to come. I know they will come. They have already come.

If you are currently in the middle of a storm, do not lose hope. There are blue skies, and sunshine ahead. Sometimes as the storm and sun collides, there are rainbows. Look for them. God knows you and loves you. He will be with you in both the storm and the sunshine.

Chase the rainbows.

 I could not get enough of the clouds breaking after the storm. It was such a beautiful sight.

 It looked like angels should come down and start singing.

 There is always hope!