One-on-One Time

I have four children and a dog. There is only one of me to go around for everyone. Sometimes, I operate under a whirlwind-mentality of just getting things done. I move around from here-to-there, without stopping to think about the emotional needs of my children. I can go into "survival mode," rather than loving, compassionate, mother mode. I can be so caught up in the hustle and bustle, that I neglect things that should not be neglected; like the emotional well-being of my children.

As summer came to a close, my children all seemed very wound-up, and full of a weird energy that often exploded in the form of arguing with each other. As school began, that energy had not quite worn off, and there were some issues that needed to be addressed.

I took the kids out for a walk -- the walk in the storm that I wrote about -- and during that time, there was another storm brewing between a few of my boys. They just could not seem to even talk to each other without being feisty and overly sarcastic. This happened before at home, and I had the two of them sit next to each other, hold hands, and they had to say 30 nice things. They had to compliment each other, taking turns back and forth. As they did this, it was amazing how the tension broke and laughter filled the void of anger. We were all cracking-up by the end.

Compliments are really powerful.

On the walk, I made these same boys hold hands again, and they could only talk about nice things, in nice ways. They struggled on this particular stormy night, and so I had to join the hand-holding party. I placed myself in between the teenager and pre-teen (I called it a puberty sandwich), and I could just feel the tension between them, as I held each of their hands. One child is bigger than me, and the other is catching up fast. And yes, they still listen to me when I require them to do crazy things, like holding my hand, to work out our problems. Over the course of our walk, I helped them to have a guided conversation, and worked out the need for apologies, and after awhile, we were all able to feel the love again.

Thank goodness.

When we got home, I realized that each of my children needed some one-on-one time, to talk about their feelings. Clearly they were all fired-up about different things, and they needed an outlet. I talk to my children all the time in casual kitchen-counter conversations. I talk to them a lot as we go here and there, or just chat while we are at home. We all talk a lot, we all share a lot -- together. But I have  not always taken the time to individually pull them aside, and give them their own personal therapy session with mom.

I realized what they each needed, was a time where they talk, and I just listen.

After our walk, I took them outside -- one at a time -- in the dark, on our lawn chairs. I gave each of them a turn to have my undivided attention: my non-judgemental attention. And then I just asked them the question: "So, how are you feeling?" (This is the question my therapist would ask me at the beginning of each session.) After the question, I just waited to see what would begin to flow forth from the mouths of my babes. It did not take long before I was learning things I did not know about my children; things that they had not shared with me, and that I had not noticed. In this more formal conversation setting, the conversations were much more personal and emotion-filled.

After listening to each child, I did offer some gentle thoughts, but I tried to give them in a more loving way than I would normally. And I really tried hard to acknowledge and validate their feelings. I tried to go beyond a quick fix-it answer, to a more loving place of understanding. (Easier said than done! Whew!) 

I gained a greater understanding of the needs of my children; their emotional needs, their love languages, and the things that are troubling them, and even some things that I could do better with as a mother.

The process was very insightful, and extremely helpful.

We were also able to get to the bottom of some things that were troubling certain children, and we were able to make adjustments to help meet the needs of each of our family members. Of course, there is still tension from time-to-time, but I think if I continue to take the time to have one-on-one, "therapy time," with my children, we might just be able to grow even closer as a family.

All I need now is a yellow notepad to start scribbling on.