Changes

I saw this sign when I was out running. It was very motivational. I very much felt like "parking" and taking a rest from my running efforts. But, I kept moving forward, with running, and I keep moving forward with life, everyday. We really can't "park" in this thing called life. Sure we can relax, but even relaxing is doing something, and is moving us forward in time. It would be nice if we could call a "time-out" and put everything on hold for awhile, but nope, forward we all must go. And that is a good thing, because as good as the past may be, it is over, and the future awaits! 

So, I am noticing a pattern, and it is not a very good one. I seem to be blogging maybe once a week. I do have the time, I have some time all to myself during the day while Henry is in Kindergarten, but I rarely feel like blogging during that few hours. I am not really sure when is a good time to blog, because writing takes mental effort, and sometimes, I don't have it. I love it, I really do, but there are times when writing and pictures fall by the wayside. So, for now, I seem to be cramming a bunch in these posts, and that's just gonna have to do.

I have been thinking a lot about light. We are encouraged to share the light, and be a light to others. This is not always easy. I often feel like I fall short, and even as a blogger, I can feel very foolish if I go and look back over old blog posts where I express my ideas or opinions about this or that, and I feel like I am just a big goober. My ideas and opinions are based off of the information I have at the time, and that information is ever-changing as my life education expands. What I know today, I did not know yesterday. I wish, sometimes, that I could know all things, so I could be right all of the time, but, alas, I am not all-knowing. I am human, and there is a steep learning curve in this life. One day I might think I know all there is to know about something, and then -- in a moment of education -- I will be enlightened to the fact that I am clueless. I hate that feeling, don't you? 

So, knowing that I am mostly clueless, how can I share my light, when my life and understanding feels so wishy-washy? Well, I should just share the light of my wishy-washy world! I do not have all of the answers, I do not understand all things. But I am learning, and trying, and growing each day. And it is that learning and growth, and most of all the trying that I want to share with others. I am imperfect and flawed in so many ways, but if I was perfect, you probably would not like me, right? 

This is the message from my herbal tea... BE THE LIGHTHOUSE. And I am not talking to just myself. Find a way to share your light with others! Let people feel the warmth of your spirit and your journey, no matter how flawed and silly your journey might seem. You never know who you can influence for good. I follow a few bloggers and I absolutely love learning from them and their imperfect lives. There have been moments when I have received direct revelation from the words that I have read from inspired bloggers. Do not be afraid to share your light. Everyone has light to shine, and it will grow as you share it. 

So, I am trying to change. 

I have been trying to be more healthy. This is just another piece of my imperfect journey that I want to share with you. I have what I consider to be a sugar addiction. Like, I really love sugar, especially baking. (And you all know I love my pumpkin products.) When I was at my therapist months ago (I no longer go to therapy), somehow the topic of sugar came up, and we briefly discussed my love of cookies/baking. He asked me if I would ever consider giving up cookies. I told him I was not even interested in thinking about talking about giving up cookies or baking. So can we please change the subject? 

My husband is dead. Do not take away my cookies. 

As some time has gone on, and my anxiety and headaches have persisted, I have become willing to pretty much try anything to feel better. I have seen a medical doctor, a therapist, a nutritionist, and I have in my hands all the tools that I need to make changes. But I wasn't willing to change one thing: SUGAR. Asking me to live without sugar felt like asking me to lose another love of my life. I did not want to lose the one thing that seemed to bring me comfort in this cruel and pleasureless world of mine. (I have very few physical pleasures left after losing Charles.) 

But I had this nagging feeling, that I was not doing all I could to really change, or to really feel good, or to heal. I was filling the "crater in my mind" (and heart) with a substance as addictive and powerful as some other hardcore drugs. I had been numbing myself, with sugar, and I knew it, and I didn't care. 

But then, one day, my little brother texted me. He said: 

"Hey Mari. Just texting to say that you're beautiful and I love you. That is all, carry on." 

This simple text lead to a "conversation" about health, and fitness, and for the last few weeks we have been texting each other daily to keep each other on track with our health goals. Somehow, this simple action from my brother, was the answer to my prayer. I had never stopped praying for help, or the ability to change and heal. But, despite myself, and the fact that I HATE needing HELP -- I needed HELP!!! And I do not accept help from just anyone. But Heavenly Father knows that about me, and he sent me someone who I am willing to listen to, someone who has accomplished the kind of goals I want to achieve, and that someone would be my brother, John. 

So, in my effort to change and heal, my goals include staying within my daily calories allotment, no refined sugar (junk sugar), drinking loads of water, getting good sleep, and moderate exercise daily. 

Sounds simple enough, right? Ha! 

Self-control is no easy task! 

In the past, I have skipped over the healthy food part of living a healthy lifestyle, and I would go hard on the exercise, because exercise and I are old friends, we get along well. There have been times where I was diligent and have done both healthy eating and exercise, but most of the time, my balance is off. While training for the marathon, I was able to lose 20 pounds, but that took an effort that I am not interested in repeating, and that was without changing my eating habits. Now, I simply do not have that kind of physical energy to exert! After mono, and all the crud of the last year, my body cannot push that hard. I must be kind to myself, and my body. 

Now, I want to live a life of moderation; not excessive in one aspect, and off-kilter in another. 

It is like I have almost been forced into considering moderation as an option, because hard exercise is not possible. 

So, my goal is moderation. 

When I exercise, I do not overdo it. When I eat, I do not overdo it. When I sleep, I do not overdo it. 

And so far, after 2 weeks, I am feeling much better! Now, granted, it has only been 2 weeks, and it has been after 2 weeks when I start to struggle staying committed to healthy eating. But my brother knows this, and will help keep me on track through the hard times. The reason I trust my brother is because he is a rockstar, and he has made HUGE changes in his life to become very fit through diligence and self-control. He is very inspiring to me. And we have the same genetics, so we understand each other, and how our Scottish bodies work. 

And, yes, I am doing this all through the holidays, and beyond. Do you know why? I have felt so very gross, and I am absolutely tired of it! In the last few weeks of getting off sugar and eating purposefully healthy foods, I have had so much more brain clarity and energy. Like, it is kind of miraculous, actually. I am not saying I am all healed or anything, but I feel a noticeable difference in my head and body. 

This time I am not thinking about eating healthy as a "diet" but rather as healing. I want to heal with food, not hurt myself with food. It has been said that food can be either poison or medicine. And I need healing, not hurting. I need to heal my body and my mind and that takes effort. And I am willing to put forth that effort to feel good. Because feeling bad is awful, and I hate it. 

I want to heal by following the Word of Wisdom. I believe in the power and blessing that are promised by keeping the commandments. Click HERE for more. 

Pray for me, will you? This is hard for me. And I know I need help, even Heavenly help. My addiction is strong, but my spirit is stronger! 

I will keep you posted on my progress! 

We have been doing lots of changing around here in our house. I have gone a little overboard with Halloween decor this year. But, if I can't bake, I still must create!

 A little trumpet music provided by William. He is doing really great.

 A beautiful sunset.

 It was funny to see my oldest and youngest working on their homework together. It begins with letters and numbers and then you just keep learning! I love it!

This beautiful passage is written by Elder Holland. He is the best. I love him and his straightforward way of communicating. Give it to me bluntly, and my heart soars.

 What do you believe about yourself? Do you believe you are strong?

Billy Blanks helps me out with workouts a few times a week. I do about 40 minutes of his videos for strength. I run 3-4 miles a few times a week. Like I said, nice and easy. Keeping it calm on the exercise front.

The sky has been beautiful lately

 A yummy snack. I calculate all my calories using an App on my phone where you take pictures of your food.

 So, I thought I would try this... ummm... no. Gross. Don't do it.

 Have you ever cooked with spaghetti squash? It is my favorite! I love this stuff!

 For dessert? Fruit. Fruit is yummy.

I saw this sign and thought it was kind of where my life is right now... it feels a bit blocked, but I know that my road will be extended in the future. Life-Construction is pending at this time.

 I love doing fun little art things with the kids. They love it too.

 Choose Happiness... sometimes that choice means making hard life changes.

Henry found this green piece of random garbage and he turned it into a smile. He said, "Look mom! It's me, and I'm happy!" Henry makes me smile.

 I just need to be making things, not cookies.

 Henry enjoying some crafts.

 It is time for our Halloween tree.

 I know I am crazy. I am good with it.

William made me a Lego sword. He said, "Mom, you need a sword, because you are Wonder Woman, and Wonder Woman has a sword."

 That's right, don't mess with me!

William also wanted to make a scarecrow. He wanted to make "No-Noggin" from the Curious George Halloween movie. Henry played with it for quite awhile. It has scared a few dogs in the neighborhood.

Friends came over and they played with bubble wrap... is there anything better than popping bubble wrap bubbles?

 Our front yard is coming together...

 I love to sit outside at night and bask in the glow of the lights. I love these Fall evenings, it smells SO GOOD!

 I just love the colors of Autumn decor.

 And the happy faces... I am not into the scary, yucky, stuff. Just cute stuff.

I had to take Henry to the doctor. I guess I forget to get his immunizations updated, and the school nurse let me know he was missing some that he needed to attend school. Ah, the fourth child. I am sorry Henry. I am sorry for everything now, and in the future.

 I like to stop and let Henry throw rocks at the river when I run.

 Sometimes, I stop at the park and let him play.

 Here is an example of my lunch.

 Enjoying sun with Henry.

I made 2 ingredient pancakes this morning. 2 ingredients! You mix 2 eggs and a banana together and that is it! (Smoosh the bananas really well.) Henry loved them, and I thought they were good. I added cinnamon for flavor.

 I stopped to smell the roses. And they smelled yummy.

 The leaves are changing! Yippee!

 The sky has been so blue, and so beautiful.

 I can see clearly now the smoke is gone...

 I love dew drops on the grass. They make little rainbows that sparkle in the sun.

I like to stop at the church parking lot to do some lunges and exercises in the middle of my running. Henry likes to get out and run too. 

 He likes to laugh, and make me laugh.

 So beautiful!

Dinner. It was yummy. There is sugar in pretty much everything, and it can be a challenge to find natural foods to eat. But once you drop the sugar, it is amazing how much more flavorful other more simple foods taste. I am still learning how to do this healthy food thing, and I'm making mistakes along the way, but I am doing much better and I can feel the difference in my head.

I went to a website HERE that shows how many sugar cubes are in different items. The visuals really helped me see just how much I really have been poisoning myself with the white stuff. Just stack a "few" more cookies on top of that one, and add up the sugar cubes... no wonder I have headaches and feel gross, right? I am not saying cookies are bad, but I am saying eating a lot of cookies is very bad. And moderation in all things is really key to feeling good. For me, it is hard to eat just one or two. I did not drink soda, or juice, or anything like that... almost all my sugar consumption came from baked goods and ice-cream. But it sneaks in there in sauces and things too. I would get a sugar high, and then a sugar crash. And then brain fog so thick it hurt. 

I will continue to write more about this journey and what I experience and learn. I just want to feel good, ya know? Feeling good sounds good to me. 

Changes... sometimes changes are hard, but good.

I will write about more changes that have occurred... soon.