I Am Not Enough

I have noticed an epidemic in the world. There seems to be an increasing number of people who struggle with feelings of fear, inadequacy, and failure. Anxiety and depression seem to be running rampant, with a staggering number of people falling into despair and hopelessness. Perhaps the numbers just seem high because there is more recorded and available data, or perhaps, there really is a reason for the increasing fear that is fueling the frenzy.

As I have dealt with my own anxiety and fears, I have asked God many hard questions. I have begged and pled for answers and healing from illness, ailments, fear of the unknown future, and just fear in general. I want to be healed right now, I want answers right now, so I can be the person I am supposed to be: whole and practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins. I am not saying I am, or have ever been, "practically perfect. " I am just saying, I have considered it the goal to have life sweet, orderly, pain-free, joyful, and sprinkled by a spoon full of sugar. (Let's be honest, it's more like a cup full of sugar!)

And there it is: The need for perfection.

I have never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, because I am not one of those people. (Whoever "those" people really are?) But there is something lurking inside me, something deep, that causes me to feel like I need to be perfect. Perhaps it is fueled by the bombarding messages of social media, and just the media in general. Everyone presents their picture-perfect lives, while leaving out the nitty-gritty realities. Perhaps that fuels the fire of fear of failure, and not measuring up.

Yes, those things are there as projectiles of pessimism, for sure. But for me, it is deeper than that kind of stuff. Though I am not immune to the effects of seeing perfectly presented photoshopped lives and people. It takes its toll on everyone. Even if you think you are immune, you are not.

For me, I feel like I need to be perfect to go to Heaven. Even though I know that it is not true -- I really do know it is not true -- but sometimes, it really feels true. No, you do not need to be perfect to go to Heaven. (Thank goodness, or no one would be able to go there.) Again, I know this in theory, but I am working on truly excepting it in my heart, and letting go of unnecessary pressure I put on myself. I may not appear to have a perfection problem, but it is there. At the very least, I struggle with comparisons, and falling short. And if I was alone in this struggle, I would not be writing this post. I know I am not alone.

This last Sunday, a talk was given in church about the scripture: "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew, Chapter 5:48)

The speaker said (I am paraphrasing), that to be perfect means being perfect in coming unto Christ.

The fact is, even after all I can do, I will never be made perfect without Him. I can run around like a service-turkey, and try to work my way to Heaven, but I can't do it. I cannot get there without Jesus, and His grace in my life. And that grace fills in our weaknesses, like gold in a broken vessel, making us perfect through Him.

And this is a beautiful thing, because it means that the person who is confined to a hospital bed stricken with illness, not able to move, is just as able to make it to Heaven -- through the grace of our Savior -- as is the person who is able to serve at a high-voltage capacity. Yes, we are encouraged to serve and give everything we have, but that will look different for everyone, and Heavenly Father knows our capacity, and our hearts. He is our Judge, that responsibility is not given to our neighbors.

What Heavenly Father really wants is for us to recognize our absolute need for Jesus.

I need Him. We need Him. The world needs Him.

I know that I need Jesus so much more now than ever before in my life. It was almost like I needed Jesus in theory before Charles died, and now that need is lived in daily reality. Sure, I struggled before with various trials, but nothing has brought me closer to Jesus than experiencing the unwanted death of my most valued loved one; because death of a loved one is one of the ultimate tests of faith.

This trial has caused me to face myself in unwanted ways. I am left with myself, without validation from Charles, and one of the most excruciation side-effects has been an attack on my self-worth. If I ever felt less than enough, Charles would find a way to lift me up, and help me to feel loved and beautiful. It is sometimes harder to feel that way, without his loving support in my life. It has been made harder for me now -- to feel like enough -- because I wonder if I am even "enough" to be loved by someone in such a way again in this life. I wonder if who I have become is worthy of being loved again. It may seem crazy, and I assure you, it feels that way.

I have always wanted to feel like I am enough. I have wanted to feel like what I am doing with my life, during my days, during my hours, and minutes... is all enough. I want to be enough for God, so I can return to live with Him again one day, because I love Him.

I have learned overtime that I am enough, I have always been enough, I will always be enough... with Jesus. And ONLY with Jesus.

Not even Charles could make me enough. And a new relationship will not make me enough either. (Though I think it would be a beautiful thing to love again.) Charles was sure great at lifting me up when I was low, and strengthening me when I was weak. But guess who Charles relied on for everything? That's right: Jesus.

Months ago, I asked my therapist how I was supposed to give my burden to the Lord, so He could lighten my load, as it is promised in scripture. His response was something like, "Now there's the question." And I have been seeking an answer to that question, and on Sunday the answer came in a little piece, and has continued to be shown to me over time as I continue in study and prayer.

Just this morning I watched a video that changed my perspective completely. It was a video I had seen before, but I was not seeking for this particular answer before, so it was not as meaningful at the time. You can view the video: HERE. It is amazing how perspective changes constantly over time, which also changes the position of how things are received and embedded in our hearts. It is so true that we learn line upon line, precept on precept. It takes time to learn what we need to learn. I may want answers now, but I am not likely to get them all at once, I just could not handle it! (Watch the video, it is worth your time.)

I had a thought this morning, as I watched my son swinging his trumpet case, while walking to school. I realized that without Jesus, I am like an instrument not being played.

I am around instruments often, as my children like to play the piano, and I also have two trumpet players in the house. Some children are more practiced than others, and can make glorious music, while others are just beginning to learn the notes. There is a lesson in there, to be sure. But even more notable (pun intended), is what happens to the instruments when they are not being played. The instrument just sits there, in a case, or on a stand, making no sound, yielding no music. The instrument does not have the capacity, on its own, to do what it is meant to do, or reach its potential. The instrument needs a musician to breathe life into it, in order for it to fulfill its purpose and make beautiful music. The instrument is simply not enough on its own. The instrument needs help.

And so do I.

I need the Master, Jesus Christ, in order for me to be enough; in order for me to fulfill my purpose and potential on earth; and to be able to return to my Heavenly Father one day. I am meant to be -- as we are all meant to be -- an instrument in His hands. And I need to allow Him more fully in my heart, so His music can be heard. I will fall short, but I need to remember that with His grace I am enough, even when I am so incredibly weak. He can make our weaknesses our strength.

I know that I will still struggle with my feelings of being enough, because knowing something, and feeling something, are two different things. But even when my emotions do not align with my knowledge, I know it is ok, because I do not have to be perfect. I am just expected to keep trying day in and day out. I do know where to turn when I face fear and doubt, and I know who I trust to lead me, guide me, and walk beside me through these times of uncertainty, because life is uncertain, always.

I think it is about time I let His grace fill in the cracks of my weakness.

Perhaps I should let go, and let Jesus take the wheel.