How to Help a New Widow

My life flashed before my eyes. It was my husband who was dying on the hospital bed in front of me, but it was my life that would be forever changed, because I was the one being left behind. He was being set free from pain and anguish, while I was made captive to the flesh -- separated from my love through a thin yet solid veil of mortality, that I could not reach through. He left me. He promised he would never leave me to walk the earth alone, but he drifted from my mortal side, into another more beautiful sphere. 

He went where I could not follow. At least not yet. 

Images flashed through my mind. The past and the future merged into this one crucial earth-shattering moment of time. This moment of time when everything stopped. When the world ceased to turn -- at least my world. 

As I stared at his lifeless body, I felt numb. It felt like someone had given me an epidural in my heart. I was there going through excruciating pain, and yet I could only feel pieces of the pain because of the numbness, and the fluctuating rushes of adrenaline.  

I was left in a fog. My brain was malfunctioning -- working too fast, and too slow. My heart was left in torment. It felt like I was experiencing a dream -- not reality. I kept repeating to the hospital staff, "This feels like a dream, it has to be a dream." Certainly this could not be happening to me -- not me -- this cannot be my life, this cannot be my story. These things happen to other people -- not me! 

One moment I was a wife, and the next moment I was a widow. 

It happened without my permission. It happened unexpectedly. It happened and I had to carry on... living. 

I was recently asked this question... 

Can you tell me things that were helpful that people said or did for you those first few days after it happened?  ("It" meaning after Charles died.) 

I want to answer this question, as best I can, only 6 months into being a widow. I may have more insight as more time passes. For all I know, some of the fog and numbness could still be lingering in my brain and heart... only time can tell. 

Here is my list of (some) ways you can help a new widow... 

1. Do not avoid her. She may likely need some space, but she does not want to be shunned, or left without love and attention. Reach out to her, however you can. Hug her, smile at her, be her friend. Understand if she is not up for visiting, but offer your love and your help. Let her know you care. She has suffered a great loss, but she is still who she always was. Talk with her as you always have, but perhaps a little more gently. Do not judge her if she begins to stare off into the distance as you chat... she has a lot on her mind. 

2. Send gifts, food, money. Receiving gifts, flowers, cards, gift cards, money, and anything can be a sweet relief from the pain for the widow, and especially for the children. All items of thoughtfulness are treasures that lift the heart and spirit. Just knowing that she and her family are thought of is a blessing and is encouraging. 

3. Bring food/send gifts beyond the 3 week mark. After three weeks the flowers begin to wilt, the meal deliveries slow down, and the visitors have to return to their lives and duties. Be the person that brings food/gifts a month, 5 months, or even a year later. I promise the widow is still suffering at this point, and any relief will be greatly appreciated. 

4. Offer to watch the children. There are so many details to be worked through in the beginning -- overwhelming and staggering details -- and the children should not be present for so many of the meetings, such as meeting with the funeral director. If the widow does not have family to help, offer to help with the children, so she can take care of business without worrying about the well-being of her babies. 

5. Talk about her husband. Don't avoid mentioning his name, or talking about what he used to do, or say. Knowing that others loved him too will make her happy. Talking about him often is a good thing, not a bad thing. Widows do not want to brush their spouses under the rug to avoid feeling, talking about them is healthy, healing, and often provides happiness. 

6. Do not ask her, "Are you OK?" There is something about this question that makes the strong heart crumble, when it does not want to. The question is slightly loaded, as if you can see that she is not OK, and that is why you asked the question. (At least let her believe she is faking it well.) It is OK to ask the normal daily social exchange of, "How are you?"  The difference in the two questions is slight -- but crucial to avoiding a nervous breakdown in a public area. If you ask, "Are you OK?" you might get more than you bargained for in response. If you ask, "How are you?" she can answer however she wants to, depending on her mood at the time. 

7. Do not say it was, "Just his time to go." This may, or may not, be true. Whether it is, or isn't, there is nothing comforting in this statement -- nothing at all. It is like saying, "It is just your time to be a widow." Truly, it is a statement with good intentions, but it likely brings a swirling of fire into the widow's soul. I would have thought, before now, that it would be comforting, but I promise you -- from firsthand experience -- it is not. Don't say it. 

8. Do not declare that he was needed for a more important work.  It is simply not true. There is nothing more important than for him to be the husband and father to his family -- absolutely nothing more important. Again, I would have thought this a comforting statement before, but it is so far from comforting. He is doing an important work because he died, but he did not die to do a more important work. There is a crucial difference. Trust me on this one. 

9. Send letters, stories, pictures, videos, experiences, and memories. If you have fond memories, or a reason to express gratitude for her husband then send a note her way. She loves to hear about the difference he has made in the lives of others -- no matter how big or how small. Pictures are priceless, and sharing happy memories are like a breath of fresh air. Those stories and memories can be preserved and shared with the children and grandchildren as they grow older. 

10. Pray for her, and how to help. I cannot even begin to list the countless ways that you can show your love and help. Watch her, and her family, and observe their needs, and see what can be done to ease their burdens. Every little thing adds up to being a force for good in helping the widow to feel loved and uplifted. Prayers are answered. Ask Heavenly Father what He would have you do to help. Listen for the still small voice to guide you, and you will know what to do. 

President Thomas S. Monson reminds us: 

'How many of us, however, remember his definition of religion? “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” (James 1:27.)'

I never thought that I would ever join the ranks of widowhood so young, and with young children in my care. This was not supposed to be my story. But it is. I am trying to make the most of it. I have learned so much in such a short amount of time. I learn valuable spiritual lessons on a daily basis. My desire now is to simply share what I learn with others. 

I have had the blessings of Heaven showered down upon my family, in ways I never, ever, imagined. My faith in Jesus and his gospel has been strengthened, and my faith in mankind has been renewed. People are good. The news is filled with constant garbage and frightening things, declaring the evils of our day -- but I have seen the goodness of mankind. I have been on the receiving end of charity, and Christlike service and love -- from people near and far, from neighbors and strangers. People are good. Don't forget that. 

If you ever have a question you would like to ask me -- about being a widow, or other topics -- please feel free. Also feel free to share my blog with others via social media, or however you choose. You will notice I do not advertise anything on my blog, I do not make any money from it -- that is not its purpose. The only thing I hope to share is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is free, and it will set you free. 

To all those who have helped me as a new widow, I thank you, with everything that I am. If you have said some of the "do not" things to me on the list, do not go hide in shame -- I would have said the same things, guaranteed! My purpose in sharing was not to instill guilt, but rather just to help educate on the subject. I was as unknowing as the next person until just 6 months ago. I would have never sent myself out to go and comfort a widow, or someone suffering a great tragedy, because I would have been too scared to say the wrong things. I am not scared anymore. 

I wrote this post from the perspective of a widow, but I am assuming it is very similar for the widower. But I don't not know for sure, because I have never experienced life from that perspective. But reaching out in love is universal, regardless of what someone is suffering.

If you want to help the widow -- or anyone in need -- ask God what He would have you do, and then do it. 

He will help you help others. 

No act of kindness is ever wasted. 

No act of kindness is ever too small. 


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