Judge Me Not, Please?

I am not perfect. I am quite far from perfection, I think that is pretty obvious. I am so far from it, it can hurt severely, sometimes. I try not to think about how far from glorious that I am, I just try my best each day to survive, just like everyone else. I walk this earth, trudging my way through, seeking the light, trying to be good.  

I am coming to the conclusion that people misjudge me all the time, without knowing me. Whether I am judged by my appearance, or my actions -- I do not know. I do put myself on display here on my blog for a handful of hundreds of people to see. If you read my blog, you likely know me better than most -- but still, no one REALLY knows me, not really. I am but a shadow to most -- an illusion of what I want you to see. You get the "performance version" of me. You get the sparkly masquerade mask. 

There is only One person who knows me completely -- even into the deep caverns of my soul -- and that is my Heavenly Father. He knows me. He knows everything about me. I would be so alone without Him. 

What brings this on, you ask? Well, I will tell you, because this is my blog, and this is my place to release, and hopefully my place to try and recover, and maybe even my place to warn others to learn from my life experiences. . .   

I do not like drama. I just don't have a lot of energy for it. This is probably why I purposefully have so few close friends. I do not have a lot of myself to offer, and I can get bogged-down and overwhelmed by drama, and gossip that seems to come from being really social. When you get together with people you talk, sometimes you talk about people,  and sometimes people gossip about other people. It happens. 

I take things that people tell me seriously, I consider myself a pretty good listener. I love people, I care about people deeply. I can only handle so much social-stuff now that I am a Mother of 4. My energy is already spent. My cup is full. My social-capacity is growing thin. Not because I don't love people -- or love to be with them -- because I do, I really do.  I just love my family the most. 

So, before I go on, let me repeat, I do not like drama. But that is what I have been dealing with the last few days. I have recently been reminded of my desire to become a social-hermit, and stay snuggled in my home, with my family, safe and warm. However, it seems that drama will find me, whether I go out, or stay in . . . 

I was recently accused of being someone that I am not. At least, I was accused of being someone I hope I am not!  

I received an out-of-the-blue, very unexpected message, and I had some pretty harsh accusations thrown in my lap -- accusations of being someone completely opposite of who I try to be. It was crushing to me. I have cried for 2 days. I can pretty much cry on demand at this point -- my moxie has been shattered. I suggest if you want to knock me down, do it now, I am already low. If you have a beef with me, just let it out now -- you will certainly win. 

I am not easily offended, not really. I have pretty thick skin that protects my overly-sensitive core. I can let most things slide, and move on. But this hurts. 

I will share with you some words that were said to me, so that you will understand why I hurt so badly. Please realize these words were written to me over a misunderstanding . . . that I am trying to resolve.  

This was the line that cut me to the core: 

"I had always pictured you as someone above the petty things, who tried to be Christlike and see the good in the world and in others and I'm saddened to find out I was completely wrong about you."

These words have been playing-over in my mind, like a broken record, for the last few days -- tormenting my soul, and filling my eyes with tears, and my heart with pain. I even had to sing in church yesterday, while trying not to lose it completely, standing in front of everyone, while feeling small and defeated. I am glad I learned how to put on a happy face when I was little, I have needed my happy-mask the last few days. 

The mask works fine for those looking at me on the outside, but there is no mask for the pain caused to my spirit by this declaration and judgement of my integrity. I am pretty sure there are no words that would hurt worse than these. Ouch. Eternal ouch. 

My heart has been wounded. Seriously wounded. I will recover with time. But I am fragile right now. I cry myself to sleep. It is the pain of being on the receiving end of petty gossip and judgements. And let me tell you, it hurts. And I am ready to declare social-hermit status. 

Again, this was over a misunderstanding, and wrongful judgements. So unexpected, and so strange for me -- this kind of thing has never happened to me before. 

I have learned a lot of valuable lessons.

So, why do I share this sensitive topic here? Because I want you (and me) to learn from it!

This pain is caused by gossip, judging, assumptions, and false accusations. I never knew the pain of judging until now. I never knew what it was like on the other end of gossip. I know it now. And I would say to you, and to me . . .  

STOP IT!  

Stop judging. Stop gossiping. Stop assuming. Stop talking about other people, unless it is to LIFT them up. I am as guilty as the next person, and I hope I have learned my lesson.  

Do you enjoy judging others? Well, stop it NOW.  

If you want to gossip and chatter about others with me, I won't do it. 

Not anymore.