Knocked Down

Warning: This is a "venting" post. Read at your own risk.

I have been knocked around a lot lately. It seems a great force is trying really hard to keep me down. And guess what? I don't like it! If I keep getting knocked down like I have been, pretty soon I will be empty, and my salt will lose its savor -- if you know what I mean. (Go HERE if you don't know what I mean.)

I have been ambushed by people who are unhappy with me for a variety of reasons, I have been sick for 2 weeks, and it is the middle of dreary January -- so all things seem amplified. (It is a lot easier to deal with crud when I am in full health, and there are flowers blooming.) At this moment, I am tired, I am emotionally exhausted, and I am ready to move on from all the drama and sickness that has been in my life lately.

Have I mentioned that I hate drama? Seriously, I have no time for it.

So, I am making an effort to de-clutter my life. I am cleaning out socially, emotionally, spiritually, physically -- you name it, it is time to clean-up this mess. I want to ditch things that don't matter, and embrace the things that do.

I am a wife, and a mother, and that is where my energies should be consumed right now -- not thinking about social theatrics. I am so tired of the merry-go-round of emotions, caused by all the weird things that have gone on with people. It has come from many directions. This kind of girl-drama is the exact reason why I have been so reclusive in the past -- I don't have energy for it. I never have. To be honest, I have always preferred hanging out with boys/men and talking about politics. (Or girls that like to talk about politics.) Lucky for me, my best friend is a man.

I am not likely to change very basic parts of my personality. I am who I am -- take it or leave it. I can almost guarantee I am not changing my social ways in this lifetime. I warn people of my lack of being awesome ahead of time. I know I am not a great friend, but most of the time I am just trying to be a good friend to myself. I am trying to keep my head above water. Maybe I seem like I have things under control, but that is just an illusion.

I do not have things under control.

I just keep swimming, trying, moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other -- each and everyday. I am surviving. Sometimes I have energy for people, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I like hanging-out and being social, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have my airplane oxygen mask firmly in place so I can help you put on yours, and other times I am waiting for my oxygen mask to deploy, while breathing in and out slowly, trying not to pass out.

I have different times and seasons. Sometimes I thrive, and sometimes I just survive.

Right now I am surviving.

However, no matter what season it is, I am not a social butterfly. I never have been. I doubt I ever will be. I just don't feel the need to be. I like to be with people, but I do not need constant validation from others to be OK with being me. I am OK with being alone. I used to go to restaurants all by myself, order my food, and read in the corner. I know who I am, and I am validated by being a daughter of God.

Along with knowing who I am, I also just LOVE being home. There is so much to do at home. It is such a happy place for me. I am never alone at home, there are usually kids running around. But I am also never alone, ever, because I have God to keep me company.

This is not to say I should not reach beyond myself and love others, I do try to do that. I have a lot of opportunities to reach beyond myself at church, and with our awesome neighbors. But even still, I can only handle so much before I have to pull back, and regroup. Regrouping is becoming even more necessary now as my children are getting older. The people in my home need me to be there for them. I have been very irritated at the social dramatics that have been keeping me from them emotionally. (Drama is very distracting for my brain, and makes it feel fuzzy.)

I am grateful for my family who loves me no matter what (especially Charles), and I am grateful for my very few good friends who take me as I am -- no strings attached. I am not the best at being friends, mostly because I am just trying to keep myself functioning properly while balancing home, church, family, running our own business, and trying to have some sense of health in my life. There is not much left over at the end of the day.

I am also grateful for my blog. It is an outlet for me. It allows me to work through my feelings by writing them down. They are not always positive feelings, and that is OK. I recently read a quote that said, " There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections." And really that is all can hope for. I am hopelessly flawed, but maybe you can let my mistakes be an example to you.

I do not know why people have felt the need to smash me down lately. It has been bizarre. The fiery darts of hell have been using me as target practice. I have had the desire to move to far away places, or go back to Alaska and live in the woods with my family. I just want to get away from everyone and everything, and start over. Oh, how I wish I could just flee . . . and get away from it all.

But I can't.

I cannot up and leave, and start over. It is not possible. I have to deal with my stuff right where I am. And all I can do is try and dust myself off, and put the smashed-up pieces of myself back together, and be the better for it. I have to let all the lame stuff go, and move forward -- with power gained from the lessons I have learned.

For now, I am working on picking-up my "salt shaker" (me), and filling myself up with "salt" (good/uplifting things), so that I am not empty, and good for nothing. (What good is an empty salt shaker?) I do not want to be an empty vessel, what good am I to God in that form?

Lucky for me, I learned back in my karate days, when you get knocked down you had better get up again, or you will be defeated, you will lose. I do not believe in being defeated. One time, while sparring (controlled fighting), I was kicked violently in the head (not allowed), but I managed to stay on my feet and keep fighting. While my head burned with pain and fire, I began fighting with even more power, I kept at it -- kicking and punching and staying on my feet -- despite being beat down by an illegal move, a very "low-blow" to the head. That low-blow gave me strength beyond my own, an adrenaline rush surged though my body, and allowed me to win.

So, even though I have had some extremely painful low-blows lately, I will not be defeated. I will always keep fighting.  And I can feel a spiritual adrenaline rush forming as a result of my emotional "kicks in the head".

You can knock me down.

But I will always get up again . . .