Love and Loneliness

I am growing more familiar with being lonely. I am getting used to it. It is becoming more normal. I try to embrace what my life is now, and not dwell too much on what I once had, and what might be down the path of my future.

But that is hard.

The reality is, right now, I am single. And though there are some perks, there are not enough to make single life more desirable than marriage. Being a single parent, well, now, that is just a whole other level of lonely. My children are beyond wonderful and I adore them, but being a mother, and being a wife, are two very different things. I miss being a wife. I will not claim that I was exceptional at it, but I will claim that I loved it. I miss the sweet union that can exist between husband and wife.

I can remember back in the day when I was young and single, I was always eager to find someone to love. I wanted to find someone to share life with, and be close to. The funny thing is, that feeling has not changed with age. Having experienced such a sweet relationship with Charles, my desire just grows stronger to experience closeness again. I know it will not be the same, but I know that round two of love can be just as sweet. That is, if I am ever brave enough to try and make it happen.

I watched a movie last night about a man who knew he was dying, and so he wanted to find a new man to take care of his wife and child before he died. He wanted to have a say in who was going to love and help raise his girls. It was a mistake to watch the movie. I was crying buckets of tears, that were accompanied by heavy breathing, while trying to calm down.

I thought about Charles a lot during the show. I did not know he was dying, so I did not treat life any differently before he died. I knew he was sick with something, but I never thought it was a sickness that would remove him from the physical world so young. The movie made me wonder how I would have treated life and Charles differently, if I had known he was dying. I think I would have lingered more in every embrace, and taken every opportunity to stare into his beautiful brown eyes.

I am not filled with regret, because I was filled with love for him always. And his parting words to me could not have been more perfect. He said, "You are so beautiful, I am so proud of you."  He said that just moments before he stopped breathing on our living room floor. What more could he have said? He showed me he loved me in all that he did. And that love continues to shelter me, even in my loneliness without him here physically. Even though I am often more weak than I should be, I know that he is proud of me still. This is a great comfort to me.

The concept of the movie -- the dying man finding a new husband for his soon to be widowed wife -- was very interesting to me. Watching the man interview a bunch of different guys, with none of them being good enough, was a funny process. I imagined what Charles would do if it were him. And then I wondered if perhaps Charles is out there looking, searching, and trying to find someone who would be the right person to stand at my side, and join our family.

I know if it were me on the other side, all of my interest and concern would be in taking care of my family left on earth. I am sure that Charles -- though he has other work to do -- I am sure he is mindful of us and what is best for us. I just really feel he will have a hand in guiding me to the right person, at the right time. He always took such sweet care of us. I know that sweet care has not, and will not, cease.

I just grow a bit weary of being without a companion. I have love in my life, in so many ways, and I am grateful. It is no easy thing being a single mother. Raising a family is never easy, but raising a family as one when it is a job for two, can really be a trick. I am grateful for the extra bit of moxie I have to keep me blazing forward. I do my best, and that is enough.

I cry a lot more now. That is for sure.

Sometimes the veil to Heaven can be made thin, and sometimes the veil can feel like a brick wall. There is a level of lonely that can only be understood by those who have beat against the bricks, hoping to wear down the wall with the force of a million tears. Like the river carves out the mountain, one day tears will finally break through the brick, and reveal our loved ones in Heavenly glory. Tears of sorrow, will transform into tears of joy. When hand-in-hand we walk on streets paved with golden bricks -- pieces of the veil-wall broken down -- polished by tears most fine and pure, from both sides of Heaven and Earth. The tears of true, celestial, love. The love of all love. A love that will never be parted, again. A love that will continue on forever, until the end of eternity.

I will not be lonely forever.

I will be in love forever.