To Love or Not to Love?
At least I feel that way on some days, while other days I find myself content to remain single.
But as time goes on, there is a pull towards finding someone new to spend my life with. The pull grows stronger and stronger as more time passes. I feel less of a widow, and more of an available single woman. I find that even though I have an eternal perspective of being with Charles again, my heart seems to live in this world, and it wants to love again. I find my heart has room for even more love than what I have already known. This surprises me. I find I am pleasantly surprised though. I am still quite young, and I feel my best years are ahead of me. I would love to share my life with someone.
Charles did promise me he would never let me walk the earth alone, I even have it in writing. I do not know what hand he can have in such things as finding someone for me. But if he can help with such things, I am sure he has my best interest in mind, and is helping to put the pieces of the puzzle into place.
I have been considering the fact that to love is to take a great risk. I have seen the risk firsthand, as I witnessed my love slip to the other side of the veil, leaving me alone. I have felt such agony and pain in the aftermath of that physical separation. Only those who have loved and lost can fully understand the pain, and fully understand the connection that still exists between me and Charles. That connection will never change or be severed. I will have to find someone who is willing to accept my love for Charles. But I am hoping I can love a new man with just as much power; I only know one way to love.
I ask myself now, would loving again be worth the risk?
I will not deny that I am afraid to love again. I am terrified, really, I am. All of the "what ifs" and the complications of combining two lives and families together can feel overwhelming. It was hard the first time around, but this time there is simply so much at stake, and so much to consider, it can leave my mind spinning if I think too much about it.
Of course I dream that love will conquer all. I hope that I will be able to find someone to love enough, that I will just naturally want to combine forces together. It is hard to imagine right now, but that is because I have not met anyone yet. I am not blind to the realities and the risks, and I do not feel I am vulnerable now that it has been almost 2 years. I would have been very vulnerable within that first year, I was still finding my feet. But now I have found my feet and I am off and running with them!
To risk love is to risk pain, or so they say.
Is love worth that risk for me?
Absolutely.
I've thought of this, quite often, and I'm sure my husband never expected me to wait out forever alone. My biggest worry is finding someone who wants a temple sealing when you already have one.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I don't know how fair it is to find someone who wants what you aren't willing to give them .. so I simply don't look.
Have you ever thought of it that way? What you'd do if your next love wants Eternity too?
Yes, I have thought of that, and other scenarios, quite a lot. Charles is my eternal companion, and I will remain sealed to him no matter what. I hope to find a man who can understand how important that is to me. I know it is a concern for many who consider the widow as a companion. My real hope is to find a widower, so that he will be sealed to his first wife, and I will be sealed to Charles, and we can all live happily ever after. :) I have total faith that all things will work out for the best, and that all the details will be worked out beautifully when this life is over. If we do not look, we will not find, and so we have to make an effort. There are things we do not have control over, but some things we do, and one of those things is keeping the heart open to the opportunity for new love. They say those who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best!
DeleteI love that answer!
ReplyDeleteFor me, knowing my heart is somewhere waiting is enough :)
I've known several couples for whom this has worked out. One or both of them have had a spouse pass away and they've found someone who understands about them already being sealed, and that it will all work out in the hereafter. Best wishes!
ReplyDelete