Some Thoughts from Charles

There are times when I want to hear Charles' voice. I try to carry on throughout my days, without thinking too much about Charles, so that I can avoid an emotional breakdown. Lately, however, I have felt the desire to draw close to Charles, and revisit feelings and memories from the life we used to have together. 

It is not always easy to open his journals, because they are filled with his deepest feelings: sometimes his words and feelings are hard to read. But today I needed something from him, I wanted to feel his love, and his passion for life. I spent some time flipping the pages of his journals, and I found some thoughts I want to share. I only share what I feel he would want me to share. 

During the time of this entry Charles was pursuing his degree in Math, serving in an intense church calling, working to provide for the family, and we were managing an apartment building. 

They were the best of times; they were the worst of times. 

An excerpt from February 2002:

One of the most trying times in my life has come to a close. I seemed to have reached a climax of sorts, and now the quaking has stopped, the light breaks, and the dust settles on my life. 

The experiences of the last few weeks have taught me much, and have brought me into severe repentance. This pattern has become a regular occurrence in my life. I am being put to the Refiner's Fire, and a fire it is. I have been made red hot, been beaten and shaped, and finally I have been dipped in cooling water. I have emerged as a man of a little stronger steel, more prepare to shatter the swords of the enemy at the time of battle, and more impenetrable to rust and corruption. 

I have been shown my weaknesses, and I am making sure to guard myself and repent. 

I have been blessed with insights into life and interpersonal relationships, as well as insights pertaining to my duty as a priesthood holder, and into the doctrines of the gospel. Scriptures take new meaning for me. I am filled with great hopes for the future, and what I will be able to make out of it. 

I stress again that these blessing and insights have come after severe repentance. One of the most painful experiences of my life has been to be faced with my own faults, and to recognize how my actions have hurt others. Realize that what are now considered faults are less severe in degree to faults that I had in the past, and may not be considered to be gross errors, but they are painful to me and are areas of improvement that deserve my attention. 

I regret to admit that I have been impatient and inconsiderate to my beloved wife, Mari. No doubt, part of the test of the Refiner's Fire is to be able to retain your composure while in the fire. Under the stress of my, what I perceived to be trials, I became impatient with Mari, and did not treat her with the complete amount of respect that should be shown to a woman as great as she is. I believe this to be my greatest source of sorrow. 

Mari deserves to be placed on a pedestal, and held high where she may bask in the light. She is so sweet and gentle to me, and to Samantha. She wants to be tough, or tries to be tough, but I believe she endures more stress than she should, and a good portion is due to me and my thoughtlessness. 

I will work my entire life to make it up to her. 

What did I do? 

There was nothing specific that I need to mention. The problem was my attitude. I was lacking in tact, patience, tenderness, respectfulness, and kind words. She spends much of her day by herself with the baby, and I fail to consider the many things she sacrifices to stay home. 

I love Mari. 

Among the many things I have learned, are that sincere friendship is vital to happiness in the church, and is a sign of true conversion and desire to build the Kingdom of God. I tire of casual relationships, a relationship based on titles. I long for the true love that exists between people who love the Lord and strive to become like Him. Duty is good, but to do your duty with no love for the people whom you serve is dangerous for the person being served. Sincere friendships and a shining example can be highly effective to the ability of a person to lead and guide others to the light, and to help them start on the path with determination. 

I attribute all my success to the mercies of a Heavenly Father, whom I know loves me dearly. On my own, I reached nearly the point of self-destruction, but as I live the gospel and follow the Savior, and with the Holy Ghost as my companion, I know I have limitless potential. 

I feel sorrow for people who are determined to live their lives without God, and who deny that there exists a need for morals, or any other instrument for self-control. Most of all though, to not know the love of God. 

The events of my conversion are miraculous, and for that reason, I find it difficult and necessary not to talk about the details of it with anyone. But what I can say is that what caused me to change was to know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I felt it. Also, to know that the purpose of my life is to have joy, to be happy. 

My conversion was instantaneous, but it was those things that caused my heart to change, and has motivated me to live as I do. It is amazing to me how far I have come since the time that I thought I would be cut off from the presence of the Lord forever, to be miserable forever. I now have the hope of life eternal, and the love of the God of Heaven, and His son, Jesus Christ. 

I am developing a clear picture of who it is I wish to become. More holy, more like my Savior. I see myself wielding the sword of truth to set men free, and to defeat the enemy to all righteousness. 

- Charles van Ormer

*The picture was taken many months later during Christmas of 2002, when I was pregnant with Daniel. Also, in Charles' defense, I do not recall him treating me poorly -- sure we had our normal disagreements about this or that, but we always worked things out. However, I understand his feelings of wishing his words were even more kind, or more loving. I feel the same way now, and wish that I could have been so much more for him than I was. But I also realize that we did our best, and we both loved each other deeply, and our love will continue to grow, forever.