Waiting to Start Dating?

I am scared out of my mind to start dating again. When I consider opening myself up to the world of dating, and single-life activities, it makes me feel a range of different emotions. Sometimes I feel excited, full of hope, and anticipation. But most of the time I would say I feel absolutely terrified.

I am scared of all the unknowns. This fear threatens my courage on an almost daily basis.

The thing is, I know I am supposed to find someone. I am not meant to walk the earth alone. I have received multiple blessings that encourage me to get out there, and give love a chance.

So why am I so afraid? 

My real fear is not rejection, being too vulnerable, or breaking my heart again. These are small concerns, compared to what really keeps me up at night.

You see, my real fear is being successful, and finding that someone to love!

It has been 2 years now, and I find myself digging in my heels, and becoming more and more set in the ways that I do things. My children, my home, my family, my quirks... even with change, I find my comfort zone quick, and I get nice and cozy in my zone. To imagine changing my world by inviting someone new into our lives, sets off violent explosions in my comfortable mind. Eek!

But there is this growing loneliness in my heart: it keeps spreading, and festering. It sometimes keeps me awake at night, as I ponder how I am going to take the leap of faith, and jump into my first date. I would so much rather have some dashing and charming prince come swoop in and rescue me, without having to go to the traditional mid-singles activities, and other such anti-glamorous events.

I know I must do my part, and do what it takes.

A very unpleasant side effect of losing Charles, has been this strange attack on my self-confidence. I do not know the reason this has happened, as a result of his death. I do feel it is an attempt from the dark side, to keep me from sharing the light and love that is in me, with someone else. If I can be prevented from loving again, then I can be prevented from a new level of joy and happiness.

If I can be filled with self-doubt, and questions about my ability to love and be loved, then who wins the battle? Not me. I fight this battle of guts and glory with all that I am. If you wonder why I run so much, that is part of the reason. I must fight to free myself from the nagging voices that tell me I am not good enough to be loved again. For Pete's sake, I have a great capacity to love and be loved. I should not doubt myself; but the voices that point out all of my weaknesses are so darn loud and irritating.

I will come out triumphant: never fear. I have access to the greatest Source of confidence-building, and I tap into that Source daily for strength. It is a battle, but I fight!

So, other than battling it out with my insecurities, and fears, I do not know why I am waiting to start dating? I feel that 2 years is an adequate time (for me, it's different for everyone) to begin opening my heart again to the possibility of love. I have a list of fears a million miles long, but I also have a list of hopes a trillion miles long.

What's my hang-up? Why the waiting game?

I know I have felt the need to wait up until this point for some reason? I do not know why, but my desire grows... my heart opens... my fears are dimmed by my even greater desire to love again. There has been this growing feeling in my heart, and I find I cannot ignore it much longer.

Oh, to love again.

Wouldn't that be grand?