I Feel Your Pain

I am no stranger to pain. Throughout my life I have had some experience and familiarity with events that have caused me to hurt, tremble, and even cower in my closet begging for relief. Events from earlier years, were perhaps not so extreme as the things I have endured in the past few years; but they are still part of my life, my journey, and even, perhaps, preparation for what I am experiencing now.

The struggles of my past were, by comparison, so simple. Still, at the time, even those day-to-day struggles could produce fear and worry enough to make life extremely challenging and even scary. The thing is, now I continue to have the day-to-day challenges, but added to that is a void so deep from the loss of Charles, that I often feel empty inside. I continue on in my pursuit of courage and keeping my head up, yet the void -- the loneliness -- grows more gnawing and even irritating.

Now, before recommending I see a therapist, I want to mention I have spoken to many widow/ers about this. Many people see the widowed and think they are depressed, or in a dark place, and need some external help, perhaps medical help. This may be true sometimes, but not all the time. The thing is, there is no amount of therapy, or pills, that will bring back the dead. And that is the problem. That is the problem that cannot be solved until Jesus returns -- which He will -- but until that day, I remain a widow.

There is no "quick-fix" for widowhood. Even getting married again does not erase the loss, from what I have been told by those who have remarried. Loneliness might be lessened, but the loss will always be a part of life. I mean, for Pete's sake, Charles died. My favorite person on the entire planet is no longer a part of my life during my span here on earth. (I could live a considerably long time, if I follow the longevity of my grandmas). There is no way to express what it is like being a widow. Just imagine, for a moment, what it would be like to lose the person you love the most.

My whole family has felt the sting of reality more keenly lately. Tears flow more freely as we discuss Charles, and how much we miss him. It is not that we ever ignore him, we rarely let a day pass without talking of him, and we always pray to let Heavenly Father know how much we love him. Time is just making us all miss him more, not less. Some things are, in some ways, less intense as the first year, but the missing of Charles has never let-up...

Oh, and not to mention I have gone almost 3 years without being kissed. Don't get me started on that. My body grows cold if I think too much about living without love in all its forms. Brrrrrrrrrr... The cold and isolation might not bother Elsa in her castle made of ice, but I am having a harder time "Letting it Go." Conceal, don't feel... doesn't work for me. 

I woke-up this morning and had a talk with Heavenly Father. I am just tired of having to feel such intense feelings all the time. I have so much to do with my family, and my life, and I get tired of feeling distracted from the now, and just enjoying fully what I have going on at the moment. I asked God why I have to feel such things. My answer was simple: He wants me to understand pain. He wants me to understand pain, so I can help others who also feel pain.

I find that my heart is extraordinarily squishy to the pain and sorrow of others. I cannot always reach out and help all those who struggle; but my heart sure longs to lift the burdens of those who carry a heavy load -- because I know the feeling.

Pain is a pain.

For those of you who struggle with pain, fear, sadness, loneliness, childlessness, death, longing, illness, or anything that causes sorrow... You are not alone. And though that reality may not take away any of the burden, it is still true that you never walk alone. When I say I am lonely, it is true. I can feel desperately alone. But even in my most anguish-filled moments, I am never lonely for Jesus, because He is always there. Through the things I have experienced, I have grown more familiar with Him, and I love Him more than everything; even more than Charles. 

I think it is a dreadful thing to compare the severity of trials and pain. Each of us has our own bag of burden-bricks to sling over our backs. My bag might feel horribly heavy to me, and yours for you -- even though our trials are so different. The levels of pain we endure might not be the same, but we all have the same Savior who can help us to endure the burdens that we face in this life.

If you are hurting right now. I am sorry.

Do not hesitate to turn to Jesus for help, comfort and guidance. I do it all the time, and I highly recommend it.

He is the Only One who truly feels your pain.