It is Not For Us to Question What God Brings About in Our Lives

God's timing. It is one of the great mysteries of the vast eternal universe. Why do certain things happen, at certain times? I know I have found myself asking the questions of: why me, and why now? God's timing has become of particular interest to me in more recent years, after my husband died at age 37, leaving me a widow, and my young children fatherless. After the death of my husband, I have had many questions. Some questions have been more than adequately answered, and others have been left a mystery to me.

Of all the questions I have had and pondered, one question has certainly stood out above the rest: Did Heavenly Father purposefully take my Charles at an appointed time, for a particular reason?

There are many questions in this life, that simply do not have a satisfactory answer based on our limited mortal understanding. The timing of Charles' death has been one of those questions that has caused me to flounder when seeking for an answer. I have read many things including, "No righteous man is ever taken before his time," but much of what I have read and studied has left me only with more questions, and spiritual discontentment. So, I continued on with my search for answers, and for peace.

It is not from a lack of faith that I ask my questions. I have an inquisitive mind and heart, and I consider myself a seeker of truth. I like to search, study, and come to an understanding of aspects of the gospel that I might not comprehend. I know there are many mysteries of the gospel that might not be understood in this lifetime. But there are often answers that can be found through seeking and study. I pose questions to my Heavenly Father often through prayer. I also search from the best books and information available, and I ask with a sincere desire to better understand things, in areas where I lack knowledge.

Without questions, there are no answers.

The deep questions I have, are almost forced upon those of us who have experienced the harrowing loss of a loved one. Similar questions about God's timing are experienced with other deep and devastating trials in this life such as: infertility, abuse, divorce, chronic illness, and other life-altering events, with a list that could go infinitely on and on. It is almost impossible not to take at least a moment to ask in deeply troubled times: why me? And more specifically: why now?

I attempt to keep an eternal perspective, while I often trudge my way through the muddy waters of widowhood, and the complexity of spiritual understanding that goes along with experiencing the death of a loved one. I saw my husband die in front of me, I had to choose the moment to take him off of his breathing machine, due to brain damage which occurred, after suffering a Pulmonary Embolism. Death -- particularly seeing death -- leaves its mark on the human heart. The marked heart leads like a compass to questions, so many question, with so many answers left placed in the eternities. So often the answer to a question is simply: Patience. (Raise your hand if you love that answer... anyone?) 

But sometimes, answers to questions do come, after we diligently do our part to search, ponder, and pray. Sometimes, these answers come in the most peculiar ways...

I recently came across a very unexpected item, that led me to some much needed insight. I was going through a case of CD's, and I found one that was titled "Stephen Hafen's Funeral." I was a bit shocked by this discovery. Stephen Hafen is my brother-in-law's father, who passed away at age 27, when Ray, my brother-in-law, was just a young child. Stephen fell down a mine shaft, and left his wife and children without a husband and father. With my nature of curiosity, I decided to press the play button, and listen to the speakers at the funeral, from way back in 1970. It was a beautiful experience, to say the least.

As I listened to one of the speakers, there were some words spoken that stood out to me, like lightning against a darkened cloud. This man -- I am not sure who was speaking -- answered a question of mine in such a profound and beautiful way, it led my heart and mind to a place of greater understanding. With genuine care and love in his voice, this man said:

"Perhaps we question why a man of this caliber and potential should be called so suddenly and seemingly so soon. It is not for us to question. Our Father in Heaven knows what is good for us, and it is not for us to question what He brings about in our lives." 

I was stopped in my soul-seeking tracks. Like a hunter following footprints to track its prey, I found the "spiritual meat" that I was looking for!

The answer to my question, was that I should not question my answer.

And my answer is simply that God knows everything. He knows me, and what is good for me, and that I do not need to question His timing and his purposes, because that simply won't do any good. Now this is not something that just anyone could tell me. I needed to discover this answer for myself, with the guiding hand of my Heavenly Father. (Guiding me to a random CD case, packed away in deep boxes in my closet, to a CD that was accidentally packed in my parents things, that I happen to have, though it belongs to my sister and brother-in-law.) Yes, that is how much God wanted me to find my answer and peace. That is how much He wanted me to know that there are some things in this life, that I actually do not need to question to understand, because I already know the answer.

I have had many people offer well-meaning thoughts on the matter of death and timing, but nothing has quite felt right to me... until now. And really, in the depths of mourning and sorrow, often times truths can be uncomfortable, and though a truth might be truth, it might not be a comfort. So as those who seek to comfort others, we can choose our truth-sharing moments with a little more care and grace, as appropriate. Even this "truth discovery" for me might not feel comforting to someone else who is in a different place on their journey.

There are certain things -- revelation, inspiration -- that must come at the right time, in the right moment, to make something meaningful and profound. (The words I am writing, are lacking in depth of what actually has touched my heart.) For me, I have struggled to come to terms with whether or not Charles was taken by God at a particular time, for a particular reason; but that is even besides the point. Basically, it is the wrong question to ask. Questioning the timing is "missing the mark," as it were.

The timing of his death is actually irrelevant for me to understand. What is relevant, is what I do with the timing of my life from here on out. It is my actions that will determine and give purpose to his death, at least on this side of the veil. (I am not responsible for his choices on the other side of the veil, that's his time to manage.)

But regardless of whether Charles was taken by God, or perhaps he was merely allowed to die, I do not believe that Charles was taken from his family, specifically so he could perform a more important work on the other side of the veil. There is no more important work than that of a husband and father. Charles died -- yes -- whether or not God took Him specifically on April 1st, 2014, for a particular purpose that only he could perform, I just don't know. I do know that because he did die, he is now actively engaged in the work of the Lord on the other side of the veil, and that is the only thing I need to understand to have peace. Is the difference subtle between being taken, and being allowed to die? Perhaps. Does it matter?

It has mattered to me.

This is what President Spencer W. Kimball had to say about death in Tragedy or Destiny:

A man died one day suddenly of a coronary occlusion as he climbed a stairway. His body was found slumped on the floor. His wife cried out in agony, “Why? Why would the Lord do this to me? Could he not have considered my three little children who still need a father?”

A young man died in the mission field and people critically questioned: “Why did not the Lord protect this youth while he was doing proselyting work?”

I wish I could answer these questions with authority, but I cannot. I am sure that sometime we’ll understand and be reconciled. But for the present we must seek understanding as best we can in the gospel principles.

Was it the Lord who directed the plane into the mountain to snuff out the lives of its occupants, or were there mechanical faults or human errors?

Did our Father in heaven cause the collision of the cars that took six people into eternity, or was it the error of the driver who ignored safety rules?

Did God take the life of the young mother or prompt the child to toddle into the canal or guide the other child into the path of the oncoming car?

Did the Lord cause the man to suffer a heart attack? Was the death of the missionary untimely? Answer, if you can. I cannot, for though I know God has a major role in our lives, I do not know how much he causes to happen and how much he merely permits. Whatever the answer to this question, there is another I feel sure about.

Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not.

We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering.

I do not always (or maybe I never) understand God's eternal timing and purposes while I walk through the world governed by the ticking of a clock. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock... go the moments of our lives. But our lives are so much more to God than minutes, hours, days, or years. This earth is made up of beginnings and endings, births and deaths, meetings and partings, but it is merely a flicker of a moment in the scope of forever. I am not sure why it is so hard to keep a solid grasp on forever while living in the mortal realm, but I do know that now and forever are parted by a very thin veil, and the separation is but a whisper of last breath, and the silence of a once beating heart. And this life -- though short in the scheme of things -- is of such great value, that each moment should be lived with gratitude and love for The One, Jesus Christ, who makes all things possible.

I have an abiding and undeniable faith that God lives, and He is in His Heaven watching over me and my family. I have the promise of an everlasting future with my family. I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I understand the gospel Plan of Salvation, and I am so grateful for it, and for my Savior who makes eternal life possible. I cling to these things, always. I must walk through the valley of strife and sorrow, to eventually enjoy the beautiful vistas of hope and Heaven on the other side. I also have hope for beautiful things to come in this mortal life that I have to live, because of the peace that comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is hope.

There is always hope.

It is not easy for me to put aside some of my questions, and simply trust God and His timing. But because I do love and trust my Father in Heaven, I will trust His answer, and I can be at peace knowing that it is simply not for me to question what God brings about in my life.

He knows what is good for me.

And to answer another question I had of: why me?

As a dying woman I once knew said so beautifully:

Why not me? 

And I add to her sentiment my words of:

Why not now?