My Comfort Zone Died

The comfort zone. It is a place or a situation where one feels safe or at ease, and without stress. Sounds like a nice place, right? Right. I have been thinking about my comfort zone(s) lately, and how, to some degree, I rarely feel fully comfortable. At least, not like I used to feel, before Charles died.

It is, of course, important to step outside of our safe places from time-to-time, and take some risks in life, so that we can truly live, and not just be safe in an isolated cocoon; physically, and especially mentally. But I did not get to choose to step out of my comfort zone, it was forced upon me. I could go on and on about this, but not today. There is a lot of information out there about how to step out of your comfort zone, and overcome fear, etc. And how to deal with the traumatic events of life that force such massive change.

Today I want to keep it pretty simple. Today I am going to write a list... or two.

I recommend an exercise of writing down two lists. This is not something my therapist recommended or anything, just something I felt I should do, and I think it is a good exercise for anyone. One list should include the ways you have been brave and stepped out of your comfort zone, and the other list should be things that you are afraid of.

Last night, as I sat outside under the glow of my tiki lamps, I decided to take some time to write down ways I have stepped out of my comfort zone, just since Charles passed away. The list is not all-inclusive, there have been many small and simple things I have done that have moved me out of what I consider to be comfortable. But as I wrote my list, I realized why I have perhaps felt such stress in my life, and that is because I have been living far outside of my comfort zone for more than 3 years. And even when I am in places of total comfort -- such as my home, or my bed -- there is still an element of discomfort, because such a major part of my life has been altered, forever.

My comfort zone died.

I love following the blog of Stephanie Nielson, you can view her life story: HERE. It is a daily read for me. She wrote something that stood out to me, that I wanted to share. It stung a little for me personally, but I do agree fully with her words. The way she talks about her husband throughout her blog, and how she adores him, is very similar to the way I feel about Charles.

She said (speaking of her husband who was out camping):

"I miss falling into bed after a long work day and snuggling under his arm - safe sheltered from all the storms in our life. It truly doesn't matter where we go or where we live, as long as I am with him: I am home." 

And that, my friends, is what I am missing. No matter where I go, I never fully feel "at home," because he is not there. My "comfort zone" has been essentially stripped from me, leaving me walking through life in the "discomfort zone." It is hard to live in a state of such constant growth and struggle, without a soft landing at the end of the day, or a safe shelter from the storms of life. And Charles was certainly that for me -- safe, comfortable, love -- a safe harbor for my feelings, and really, my everything. There is something truly wonderful about that physical -- not just spiritual -- presence of someone who loves you. It makes life feel different. Really, really, different. Different in a very beautiful way.

I miss that. So much.

Aargh.

Sorrow. Grief. Longing. Discomfort.

It is just a way of life for the widowed.

Now onto my list...

The Ways I have Stepped Out of My Comfort Zone 
(Since Charles died over 3 years ago) 

• I watched my husband die
• I had to choose when to remove him from life support
• I had to allow his organs to be harvested 
• I met and arranged Charles' funeral with a funeral director 
• I am the head of the household
• I live as a single parent
• I manage our financial affairs on my own
• I had to decide on whether or not to pursue a lawsuit against the hospital
• I met with attorneys, financial advisors, and various other professionals to get things in order
• I chose a casket 
• I chose a burial spot
• I stood by and watched as my husband was buried
• I spoke at his funeral 
• I designed and ordered his headstone
• I let people help and serve me
• I packed away all of Charles' clothing 
• I sleep alone 
• I have not been kissed in over 3 years
• I have gone without making love for over 3 years (talk about out of my comfort zone!) 
• I have spoken at firesides, and Stake Conference 
• I taught the Gospel Doctrine class 3 weeks after Charles died
• I take care of all the household needs, inside and out
• I sold my house
• I bought a new house
• I moved
• I test drove, negotiated price, and bought a new car from a dealership (talk about WAY out of my comfort zone!) 
• I handle all details with our mechanic 
• I am the only one who does grocery shopping for our family (or any kind of shopping)
• I was the head photographer for Trek
• I put together a 15 minute Trek video for the Trek fireside
• I trained (6 months) for a marathon
• I ran a marathon 
• I handled all of Henry's kidney infections and surgeries
• I am the only driver for our family, I rarely get to be a passenger
• I have held teenage choir parties in our home
• I flew to Alaska with all my kids, holding barf in my lap (Henry got sick) for half the journey 
• I have dealt with many ER trips: broken bones, weird infections, and Henry's UTI's
• I bought a puppy and returned it
• I bought a puppy and kept it
• I lived through the small puppy stage
• I had a puppy trainer come to my home
• I take the dog to the vet
• I daily question my decision of adding a dog to the family 
• I take the dog for walks/runs (not in my comfort zone!) 
• I made a commitment to make a new friend everyday -- and I have for many months! (It can be as simple as saying "hi" or chatting with the cashier.)
• I helped put together Daniel's Eagle Scout benefit concert 
• I endured the mono virus for months, while still doing what needs to be done
• I went to a mid-singles event, but never went in 
• I emailed a widower for nearly 2 years and never met him. We tried to get together a few times (he was in Utah) it never worked out -- I ended up in the "friend zone." (Yes, he was a legit person) 
• I have had my heart broken by someone other than Charles (it broke in the friend zone)
• I took apart and fixed my washer 
• I have shared my deep feelings on my blog
• I made the choice to see a therapist (EXTREMELY out of my comfort zone!!!) 
• I let people know about my going to therapy, and that therapy is good, despite what I once thought (humility is WAY out of my comfort zone)
• I have learned to be vulnerable, because I have no other choice 
• I have let go of the petty stuff, and held on to the precious stuff
• I have gone to the store in my pajamas
• I have taught church lessons without any notes or manual 
• I have served in ways I never served before
• I let my 14 year old son go to Scout camp for 6 weeks (Oh man, I miss him!) 
• I am helping my daughter learn how to drive (Eek!) 
• Did I mention I am seeing a therapist? ;) 

The Things I am Afraid Of

(Things that I might be able to overcome; not the things I have no control over)

• Dating 
• Getting married again
• Boats (Out on the open ocean. I am ok with lakes, rivers, etc.) 
• Rollercoasters that go upside-down 
• Popping open a biscuit can 
• Dating 
• Going to church without mascara 
• Eating fish 
• Dangerous wildlife: bears, cougars, wolves, snakes, sharks, etc. 
• Dating 

It was strange, as I thought about what really scares me right now in my life, there is one thing that stands out above the rest: dating. I mean, it is first and last on my list. It is something that truly terrifies me. 

So many of my other more petty fears have gone away since Charles died, because I have had to face them. For example, sleeping alone. That would have been on the top of my fear list when he was alive. I could barely sleep when he would go on short camping trips. Now, I sleep like a baby, alone, every night. I was terrified right after he died, but I have learned how to relax and have peace, thank goodness! 

But dating... this clearly scares me out of my mind. I do not understand my fear in this area? I think a lot of it comes down to trust. I have a hard time trusting a new man. Which is strange, because in my life I have known some of the best and most wonderful men. Or maybe I do not trust myself, to be the woman that a new man needs? One of the things that has happened since Charles died, is I have become supremely aware of my many weaknesses and insecurities. I have no one to safely share my weakness and insecurities with. Charles and I shared our greatest fears and worries together, and our insecurities and weakness. Now I share those uncomfortable things only with the woman in the mirror, and she is not always very nice. 

Anyway, it is clear to see that I have come a long, long, way. I know it. I feel it. And as I look over my list of jumping out of my comfort zone, so much of the time I was not really all alone, and I had help. And I am grateful.

But there are some areas in my life, where I have just been a bucket of chicken. I do not know how to be more brave, or how to have less fear? I mean, put yourself in my shoes, and just imagine what dating again might be like! I should add to my list of fears, the fear of getting hurt. (Physically or emotionally.) Having my heart broken feels like territory I want to stay clear of, and yet... to love is to take a risk. Love is really risky business, even when you are married happily. I just feel like it has been so long, I do not even know if I remember how to love... or date... or any of it! And I simply do not have time to mess around with dating someone I am not interested in, like back in the singles ward days. And yet, I know I am supposed to, someday, if not soon... then later. You can see my struggle. And then I get mad that I even have to think about this stuff, because I was more than happily married, with my future solid and secure... I thought. 

Ahhhhh... the comfort zone. I had it once. 

How I miss it.

But it is gone from me, and so rather than trying to get back into it, I am trying to adjust to my new way of life in the discomfort zone. 

It is not a bad place to be... it is just... well...

Not comfortable. 

P.S. The picture above is from the last stretch of 26.2 miles, before the finish line. Running a marathon is one of the most uncomfortable things I have done in my life. I felt fresh before I hit the wall at mile 14, and for the rest of the time I ran in a state of total discomfort. But I did it, and endured to the end. (Good thing my sister was with me!) I am not sure, however, if I ever want to do it again! 


This picture was right before church the day after the marathon. On the sign are Charles' last words he said to me, before he died unexpectedly.