Trusting God Through Tragedy

Fear can suck the joy right out of life. I know from very personal experience. I have stared fear straight in the face, and had to keep on moving right past it, purely out of necessity. I have always had a tendency to lean into my feelings of being afraid. That fear-tendency has been magnified, by the fact that I have had my worst fear come true, when Charles died.

Since that time, I have had moments of extreme bravery, and I have shocked myself in some instances with how I've handled the load, and the challenging and brutal decisions that I have had to make. I never knew that I was so strong.

But there have been other times, when I've allowed my doubts and anxieties to rule the day, and I've found myself weakened and vulnerable to excessive fear and worry; so much so, that physical symptoms occur, leaving me uncomfortable in my own skin, and particularly in my own mind. I never knew that I was so weak.

One of the reasons for this fear I feel, is my lack of trust. I will be honest and say, sometimes it is my lack of trust in God. With the passing of Charles, I have had some trust issues with my Heavenly Father, because, well, He did not step in, and keep Charles from dying. And He did not save me from the aftermath of losing my spouse, and everything that has followed. Essentially, He allowed something really bad to happen to me, and so, I have felt it harder to trust that I will be protected from future bad things happening. Therefore, fear roams freely and ferociously in my mind.

No one can tell me that bad things won't happen... I know they can, do, and will.

I have struggled with this "fear vs. trust" issue for quite some time now. It has been a real and tangible battle for my soul. I have never wavered in my faith that God lives and He loves me. But I have often wavered in my ability to trust in His plan for me fully, without doubt, that His ways are better than my ways, and that He really does want me to let go of my fear and trust Him, completely -- no matter what.

No matter what? 

Yes, that is right.

No. Matter. What.

In my seeking for answers, I have come to realize that God needs me to trust Him, even when bad things happen. And bad things will absolutely happen. It is not a matter of if something bad will occur, it is a matter of when.

It is true that God does not prevent all bad things from happening. This life, as the testing ground that it is, is meant to be a challenge of epic proportions, with trials that feel like they might crush our very core. It is part of the plan, and the plan is bigger than anything we can comprehend. Knowing of the plan does not completely protect us from the pain and heartache that accompanies difficult times. It can, however, prepare us to endure the adversity we will surely face in this lifetime. And sometimes in life, it is a matter of whole-hearted, hanging-on-for-dear-life endurance, with hope for better days ahead.

If I go back over my life and consider some of the hardest moments I have faced, I can see that I have never really been left alone, even in the darkest of times. And if I am feeling really humble and submissive, I can see the wisdom in the events that I have considered to be bad or tragic. I can see the personal growth in myself, my family, and others around me. I can see the good that has come from the bad. I can see God's love, and His loving angels all around me. I can see that God's hand may not always prevent the tragedy, but His hand is always in the triumph over it, when trust is placed fully in Him.

Proverbs 3:5 states: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

Let's flip this scripture around and see how it sounds: "Trust in your own understanding with all of your heart, and lean not unto the Lord."

How often do I do that?

How often do I trust only what I can see, what I can comprehend, what I can understand? When I trust my own understanding, I simply do not get it, at all. All I get is fear, worry, and other feelings that drag me down to a place I do not want to go. Why? Because I am not in control, ever, not ever. And I like to be in control, or at least feel like I am in control, but I am not in charge: God is.

If I can trust the Lord with all of my heart -- all of my heart -- then there is no need to fear, because "perfect love casteth out all fear." And perfect love involves trust: perfect trust. Which means absolute and complete total trust; not just wishy-washy, sunshine-weather-only, happy days are here to stay, all is well, kind of trust. No, this trust in God has to be 100%, nothing wavering, nothing doubting... no matter what happens.

Now, sometimes I feel like the boy in Polar Express who wants so badly to believe in Santa Claus, that he keeps repeating, "I believe, I believe, I believe," in an effort to convince himself that he really does believe and have faith, despite the fact that he was filled with doubt and disbelief.

I know there are many times -- especially in the deep of the night -- where I cry out, "Lord I believe; help thou my unbelief." And I cry this out to my Heavenly Father not out of doubt in Him, or questioning if He is there; but because I do believe. And yet, I still struggle with letting go of my fear and doubt and placing my total trust in Him, regardless of any outcome. Because, of course, I want only good outcomes. I do not want to suffer, even if sometimes, a little pain and struggle is good for me. Heavenly Father knows the benefit of struggle and growth, and maybe I know it too; but I do not like to admit it is good for me, and I really do not like to feel the pain from such growth, or enduring the accompanying stress and fear.

Sometimes, I think God allows us to feel afraid, so that we will have no other option but to turn to Him for help, and recognize that He is in control.

Mark 4:37–41

“And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

“And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

“And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

“And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

“And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” 

As we begin to sink into our fears, God can reach down and rescue us from the dark abyss, and pull us back up to peace. He can provide peace in any circumstance, at any time, day or night, as needed. He really is in control, even when we do not see it; perhaps, especially when we do not see.

Believing is seeing.

As I sat typing this, my youngest son woke up and said, "Mommy, I'm scared." He wanted to sleep in my bed, be comforted, feel safe, and not be afraid. As his mother, I could look at him and see that he was perfectly fine, he really was safe, he was going to be ok, and he should rest easy, without fear. But that is not what he felt, he felt scared. Sometimes I try to encourage him to go back to sleep in his bed, but tonight, I simply picked him up, and allowed him to crawl into the comfort of my bed. As he snuggled in, I said, "There you go, now you do not need to be afraid." He instantly fell back asleep, as calm as could be. He trusted my care, and he was comforted by my love. The fear that filled his body released, and he had peace.

Peace. What a beautiful thing.

When the fears of life begin to swirl and take hold of your heart, and you feel scared, worried, and overwhelmed, know that you can always crawl into the safety of Heavenly Father's Love. Turn to the Lord and trust Him completely with everything. Even though He may not prevent every bad thing from occurring, He will always be there to comfort in times of trouble and distress, when we go to Him.

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still, peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still. 

Trust God.

I trust, I trust, I trust!