Charles' Thoughts and Testimony

I am so grateful for Charles' journals. I feel so close to him when I am reading his own words, written by his own hand. It makes me smile when I think his hand touched the pages and pushed the ink against the paper. It is a way to travel back in time, through history -- our history -- from his perspective. It is like becoming acquainted with him in a new even more personal way.

I know him better now than I ever did while he was alive mortal. I have been allowed a glimpse into his deepest, raw, unfiltered, feelings. It can bring joy to my heart, but also sometimes sadness and regret. Sometimes when reading certain feelings I will say out loud, "Charles, I am sorry you went through that! I wish I could have done more to help!" I will better understand him when I am reunited with him again. And he will better understand me, since he has been watching me in moments he would have never seen any other way. Sometimes when I am doing something difficult I will say, "What do you think of me now, Charles!" 

As I read his words, I marvel at his thoughts and determination. He inspires me as I read of his solid faith in God, despite what he would consider his weaknesses. I sure love this man. I sure got lucky when I found him out of the billions of people in the world. I know we were meant to be together. We have both influenced each other for good. Oh, how I needed his influence in my life. He taught me so much.

I am home sick from church today (nasty head cold), so I thought I would go through his journals and look for pieces of his testimony and thoughts on faith. His journals are filled with his faith, it is mostly just woven into the fabric of his everyday life and words, but sometimes he would stop and write out his testimony, or a complete spiritual thought. I would like to share some of his words. (I may share more in the future.) 

Just an additional note first... Charles is a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He was a royal rascal in his youth (that is putting it gently) and was literally rescued by Heavenly Father, who changed his life completely. He was 17 when he was baptized -- turning from darkness to the light -- and 19 when he served a 2 year mission for the church. We met after his mission, got married, and became a family. He went on to graduate with a degree in Math, continued on to law school, became and attorney, and was running his own law firm when he passed away. The course of his life was completely altered for good by coming to know his Savior, and by living the gospel of Jesus Christ. He changed from a rowdy rascal into a respectable man. It is an honor to be connected to such a wonderful man. People can change. Anything is possible with Jesus. Charles is living proof of that.

Here are some pieces of Charles' Journal Entries:

October 21, 2000 (We had been married for almost a year.)

I have come to recognize more and more the kind of man I would like to become. I am gaining a clearer picture of how I want to live my life. And I desire to be that man more and more each day. 

I want my church membership to make a difference. I want to be a part of blessing the lives of others. I look forward to greater joys and closer associations with many people. I expect to come to understand better the love that our Savior has for me as I work to love and serve my brothers and sisters. And I hope that I might be worthy to behold my Savior in this life. To bow myself at His feet, to be worthy of his address and embrace. 

I know that God lives. It was His love that saved me from a life of misery. I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he lives. I love him. I have felt his presence so strong that at times I feel guilty admitting that I have not had the privilege of laying my eyes upon him in the flesh as of yet. It was my faith in him and the power of his atonement that has made it possible to overcome so many weaknesses, and encourages my pursuit of godliness. 

At times I have been less than faithful, but I will never give up. 

October 28, 2000

If I had a desire to see the Savior while in the flesh would it be for my glory, or for the glory of God? I had a hard time answering that question. I would, of course, say that it would have to be for the glory of God, but I am sure that Heavenly Father knows what my reasons would be. 

What purpose would it serve to see the Savior? It would be a responsibility once you have had that experience, it would then be your responsibility to then go out to the world and teach them that Jesus Christ lives and that they need to follow him. It would be a hard thing to live up to. You would be so much more accountable for your actions. It would take a lot of work to be prepared for an interview with the Savior. 

I have not seen him eye to eye, yet. But I have had a witness that I cannot deny. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and this has been made known to me by the power of the Holy Ghost. I have felt his presence and it's comforting. I have felt the weight of sin being taken from my soul. I have felt his love. Having this humble witness, I feel duty bound to share it. I must use my testimony. I cannot afford to waste it, it must be shared. 

April 11, 2002

I have not been feeling good lately. Both times I have lifted weights this week I have fell nauseous and weak afterwards. Yesterday was so bad that all I could do was lay down from 7pm until I woke-up this morning. I hope that nothing is seriously wrong with me. 

I began to think, as I lay sick on the couch, what would happen if I were to die? I would miss being here to see Sammi grow up and growing old with Mari. I just hope that I don't die soon. I don't believe that I will die, but you never know when death may take you. Am I prepared to pass on to the spirit world? Am I prepared to meet the Savior? Could I stand before him with clean hands and a pure heart? 

I suppose my first mistake in answering these questions would be to presume that I am prepared enough. Because I am mortal and imperfect, I can never be completely prepared to meet the Lord. There is always room for improvement. I believe that the one thing I have going for me is that I am willing to repent and change when I recognize some area in my life that needs some improvement. I suppose that as long as I repent as frequently as possible and keep the commandments, I should be fine. 

February 5, 2003

What is it really going to be like when we finally pass from this existence to the next? What will it be like when someone close to me passes on? Some things I would rather know later than sooner. All I know is what I read in the scriptures. Those who pass from this life and are in good standing with the Lord, will enter into a paradise for spirits, and I have the understanding that it is a wonderful place to be. 

- Charles 

Happy Sunday!