The Best Anniversary Gift EVER

Today is our 15th anniversary. I never thought I would be spending it without Charles. I had my life planned out, and living out the majority of my days as a widow was not part of my awesome plan. Sure, I would occasionally ask myself, "What if Charles died?" But I never actually thought it would happen -- not to me -- not so abruptly, and certainly not so soon!

But here I am.

I am living the story I had never planned. And, somehow, miraculously, I find myself completely surprised with how I am handling it. I never knew I was so strong, and capable of joy despite sorrow. I never knew that I could survive truly horrible things and still smile. I am finding out who I really am, and what I am really made of. I am discovering that I am made of some pretty sturdy stuff -- and that "stuff" is the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is because of Jesus that I still find reason to smile everyday. My heart bursts with joy lately, not pain.

What a miracle!

I have not spent one second of this meaningful day mourning or crying in the corner. I have had a really fabulous day, actually. I will write more about it later. But for now I want to write about a most treasured gift that Charles left for me. It was an unexpected gift, but so timely, and so powerful.

As I was looking for Christmas decorations, I found a random box that was open, that had a few books in it. I decided I should look inside the box and sift through the books. Right near the top was a journal -- Charles' journal -- a missing book from the years 2003-2004. I screeched with delight as I pulled it from the box and held it close to me. I was so excited to find more of his words, and records of his life and thoughts. It was an amazing moment of discovery!

I spent the evening into the wee hours of the morning reading the entire journal from front to back. I could not get enough of Charles' "voice" and thoughts. What was most amazing was that the entire journal is filled with optimism, hope, joy, and snippets of his love for me and the children. His other journals are great -- but not like this one. This one is different. It is the very best of Charles. He seems to be infused with hope and confidence. He had said some nice things about me in some of his other journals, but this one held snippets that made my heart soar to new heights of joy, and love for him.

Forgive me for sharing some of my favorite passages... it may not be as interesting to you as it is to me. But I love his words of wisdom, and love. He even recorded his testimony for his children, which I will write out some other time. I read it out loud to them last night. Talk about powerful! Whew!

WRITE.YOUR.LIFE.DOWN.

It is worth it! 

Here is Charles around the time of this new found journal. Whenever I dream of him he looks like this picture.

Here are some of my favorite snippets from his journal: 

"Mari is growing stronger. She seems more prepared for the challenges ahead. She is positive and looking forward to the future as much as I am. Our goals are one. We are one in mind, heart, and purpose. It feels great. We will see what the Lord can do with completely ordinary people." 

"Mari is my favorite Mother. I am so proud of her and how much she does for our children. My children are very lucky to have a mother who loves them so much." 

"Life is good for our family, even though we only have $30 in the bank." 

"Mari has been struggling recently with many different things. It is hard on her to be alone with our children every day. She is a wonderful mother and our children are superior, but Mari likes to get out and do things. I do love her for all of the sacrifices that she has made for the last few years for our family. I will be sure to make it worth her while." 

"I look forward to the day that the Lord returns -- sure I do -- but I am really enjoying life here right now. I want to see my children grow up and I want to serve my special mission (from his Patriarchal blessing), whatever that may be. I am not ready for things to end just yet." 

"I think a lot about my family during the day. I love them. I do desire to provide a good life for my family. Sammi is growing up so fast. She is a smart and beautiful little girl. I love to make her laugh. I love it when she throws her arms around my neck and says, "Daddy!" 

"Mari is my pillar of support. She is encouraging me on in a miraculous way. I hope I am making her as happy as she has made me." 

"This world is full of danger. It is sad when good people place themselves in it willingly." 

"One question that I have been hearing in my head is the one regarding whether or not I should actually become a lawyer, or not. I had a blessing from the Lord under the Bishop and I was told to "consider a career where I could work with the youth." I have considered it, yet here I am plugging off to Law School. Is my decision the correct one? I have always felt that there are some things that you are meant to decide and that while the Lord may be interested, He has no strong position concerning the issue. Maybe I did not explain myself very well. I will give an example... I made the decision to marry Mari. I could have made the decision to marry a hundred other girls, none of which would have been right or wrong, as long as they were good righteous girls. Would I choose to marry anyone else, certainly not. I could not imagine life without Mari. I could not imagine being happier with anyone else." *Interesting to me that he became a lawyer and was later called to be the Young Men's President and "worked with the youth."

"I have a choice. I have decided to go to law school. It is almost like going to another planet. I don't know what to expect, if I will survive, or if I can even make it. But, I love the challenge." 

"I love a good challenge. I love a good fight against the odds. Maybe that is why I love the church so much. We are involved in a fight that would seem to some to be a lost cause, but for those of us who fight it, the outcome is certain, we will be victorious. I, on the other hand, have no guarantees about my fights and battles. I could fail, I suppose it is possible, although I doubt it." 

"Mari is behind me of course. She will follow me even if she does not like it. I love her for it. Mari is a true pioneer. She usually gets tired part way through and wants to give up, admittedly, sometimes so do I. But Mari is tough. I hate to put her through so much agony and hard times, but that is where we will stay if I do not do anything with myself. I need to get to work. I pray for a miracle." 

"I love my children so much. I want them to grow into good and happy people who will be full of love and kindness." 

"We have had many adventures, Mari and I. I am consumed with a desire to finish school and to begin providing for my family. This semester has been so hard for me and my family. Mari and the children have stayed strong through it all. We are better for our trials." 

"I find it amazing how much some paint and a little carpet can improve a home. I feel so much better in my home. It looks so much cleaner and presentable. My surroundings have such an impact on how I feel and how I live." 

"I feel tempted with fear and doubt, but there is excitement in the air, and my hopes and trust in the Lord keep me moving forward in the face of my foe. My family is strong and healthy and is in complete support of the direction we have taken in life, and I am determined to be the sole support of my family." 

"Mari and I are going to an orientation meeting where ushers in the temple rededication will be instructed on their duties. We received invitations to serve as ushers and we are excited about our opportunity!" 

"I cannot describe my feelings right now. I am excited about life. I have many hopes and dreams that are alive and are wonderful to me." 

"I have never ceased to serve even in my most stressful times. I have even spent most of my holidays and break times out serving. I cannot say if there has been any change in my heart that has warranted the Lord opening the windows of Heaven, or if, perhaps, the Lord has heard the prayers of my sweet wife, Mari, and our lovely children. Whatever the case may be, I am certain that what has happened in my life is a miracle and must and will be attributed to the hand of an all powerful God." 

"I am beginning to realize the promise of the Lord to me that I will have joy and enjoy the good things in life. I also believe that this realization could not come until we had a change of heart, or, this is to say, until we were prepared to receive these things. I feel that the Lord would rather have kept our family humbled to the dust than to have blessed us only to see our family grow rich and proud and forget God." 

"If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? I wish that I was not so judgmental. It's a good thing that it is something I am capable of changing." 

"Mari and I can see it. We are being prepared for something, if not simply to raise good children who love the Lord with all their hearts, for we do." 

"Selfishness is the great curse of the earth. So many want and want more of the material things of this world, and take no thought of the people around them, or even the planet they are destroying. Still, we move forward. We have seen much of the good that still exists in the people, and we have hope. What a blessing that simple attribute has become in the life of my family, not to mention my own life. We have hope, faith, and charity." 

"I was so happy yesterday that I thought I was going to cry, and I did. Heavenly Father has been so kind to me. I have been treated so well despite bad things I have done in the past." 

"I am afraid that Mari will not miss Alaska as much as I will. I love life anywhere I go, but Alaska will always have a special place in my heart." 

"I hope that in the end, Mari and I prove to be truly faithful people." 

My MOST favorite thought from Charles... 

"Mari and I have grown close, so close to each other in these last few years of preparation. I love my wife. I finally know what the phrase "the wife of my bosom" means." 

You can see why his journal is the best gift ever. What a treasure. What perfect timing right before our Anniversary. I have been flying high ever since I found it. His final journal (written in 2014) was filled with so much pain from the debilatating physical ailments he struggled with, it is extremely hard for me to read. But this new journal is the Charles that I remember -- the full-of-life, optimistic, hopeful, and happy Charles. I absolutely love it.

Thank you, Charles. As always, your timing was perfect.

Best.Gift.Ever.

Happy Anniversary to you, my beautiful love! I can't wait to see you again. It is nice to feel you near me, but dang boy, I miss your shining brown eyes. And your smooches. You were a really good kisser. ;)

P.S. I was looking through old anniversary posts and I noticed that Charles had made a comment... here it is:

Charles said...

There is not space enough to contain a complete expression of love and gratitude for the one person in my life (other than Heavenly Father), who has always been able to see the best in me, and who has been such an inspiration to me. But let it suffice to say that if I could have been an given eternity to conceptualize the perfect woman, wife, and mother, I could not have put together a person half as good as Mari is to me. She took me as I was when she first met me, and Lord bless her for it. Looking back, even I can see the terrible risk she was "engaging" herself in when she took up with the likes of me. But, like a true gambler, she knew when to hold him, knew when to fold him, she didn't walk, away, although, she did try to run. Here we are seven years and 2.4 children later, and we are better than we have ever been. What a woman--what a time!

10:36 AM

And in case you miss seeing Charles, here is another treasure of us singing "our song" together at my niece's wedding... I have posted it before, but I love it. And I just love the way he is looking at me. I sure miss that face and his voice. He is my favorite person in the whole world. He told me he was so happy to be singing with me that day. It was his first time ever singing a solo in public. It was a very romantic day for us. ;)