Packing His Side Of The Closet

The "right time" to pack up clothing is different for everyone. I decided -- a few days ago -- it was the right time for me. We are approaching the 4 month mark since Charles entered the Spirit realm, with me still hanging out here in mortality, doing silly things like hanging curtains, organizing the garage, and packing up boxes.  

I have been in the middle of a total house organization and cleansing -- including switching rooms, so that I am in the master bedroom with Sammi in my walk-in closet, and the 3 boys are in the smaller room, in a triple bunk bed. I just thought it would be better for Sammi to have more privacy from the boys, since she is a growing teenager. So far she loves being my "roommate" as she called it. For now it works great, since I certainly have nothing to hide (and neither does she!). She also has total access to my room (and me!), which she loves. 

So far, the new set-up is working great. No, we are not living normally. Yes, we beat to the sound of our own drums. Regardless of whatever is considered "normal" I have been pleasantly surprised by how much I love our crazy ways. Normal is an illusion. Everyone is a little crazy… some people just hide it better than others. 

While we were in the middle of organizing things, it felt like the right time to go through all of Charles' belongings, and finally pack them away. I do not know what other people have done, or how long you are "supposed" to wait -- or not wait -- but for me, I was not eager to remove his clothing from our closet and drawers. They are part of our life, our memories, our house, our routine, part of Charles -- I have not been eager to remove anything connected to him. His journals are on my nightstand, and I do everything I can to keep him close to me. The very best things to keep him close are pictures, video, blog posts, emails, journals, and just talking about him all the time with the kids, friends, and family. 

It has been 4 months, can you believe it?! At this point, his clothing has lost his smell. There is no more aroma of Charles, now his clothes just smell like the closet. During the first few days after he died, I did go through the closet and touch all of his clothes, and performed one of the "movie scenes" of life. (You go through these mourning-motions, and they feel so foreign and strange -- like watching yourself in a movie.) I was certain at that point, that I would never remove his clothes from our closet -- ever. 

But time is doing strange things to me. My heart still aches, but it also still beats. I can strongly sense the reality that I must carry on with life, and not just carry on -- but carry on happily! I have a very strong desire within me to be happy. I hate being sad. I have never considered myself a super bubbly, sugar-coated, dreamy-eyed, optimist -- that's not really my style. I am more of a realistic optimist. But I must say, my natural disposition of seeing things as they are -- facing the facts -- mixed with a hint of joy, happiness, and sugar-sprinkles, has done well for me through this most challenging situation. I have needed my realistic side, almost as much as my optimistic side. 

As I was packing up Charles' clothes, I did not shed one tear. Instead of sorrow, what I felt was gratitude. As I went through his white shirts, suits, ties, shoes, workout clothes, pajamas, and causal clothes, I thought about how many miles his clothing had traveled with him. How many people had he helped, counseled, loved? How many workouts, hikes, and journey's had he been on? I found that though his white shirts and suits were special to me, there were other items that were much more valuable to me -- like his casual clothing. It was the clothing he was 100% comfortable in, that made me smile the most. I loved it when he was wearing the clothes that allowed him to be playful, happy, and free -- his home clothes. His play clothes. 

I packed up most of his clothes in boxes, to be pulled out again when Daniel can fit into them. (That should only be a few years, at most!) I did keep out some T-shirts for Daniel, and all of his ties are for the boys as well. And I left all of his shoes in the hall closet for Dan to grow into. Charles was all about quality shoes. He believed in taking good care of your feet, since they have to take you on your journey of life. 

I did search through all of his pockets, to check for any notes, or special items. I found very few things. I found a few of his business cards, $5.00, movie ticket stubs from The Incredibles, and The Lord of the Rings, and some Family History work papers. Those items identify him perfectly.  

All of his clothes are special and meaningful to me, because they are his. There is a memory, and a moment, tied to each item -- even the unworn thick sweaters that were stacked at the top of the closet. There were some items that were more meaningful than others, especially shirts he had since before we started dating, and the sarong he got on his mission that he would wear at night. 

But for me, there was a clothing item that stood above all others…

The shirt. 

I kept only one shirt, and it is now a valued treasure of mine. 

He has a shirt he called his "vacation shirt" and he would wear it whenever we would travel. Sometimes he would wear it for many days of our traveling -- without changing it. He wore it on our very first trip together, from Arizona to Utah, before we were married. (We were chaperoned by my sister, Beth.) And he wore it on almost every trip we have taken since then. It is his special shirt. The shirt of all shirts. 

Whenever I dream of Charles now, he is wearing his vacation shirt. 

And he is happy. 

He is free. 

Charles,

I will hold on to your traveling shirt for you, until you come and claim it for our next grand adventure together. 

Love, Mari 

Hanging out in Denali, Alaska

Making beef stew and dumplings in Denali

Our first trip together when we were dating. The Meteor crater in Arizona. 

Salt Lake City Temple 

The Hoyt building in Alaska 

The day we left Alaska for Law School in Spokane, Washington. 

Playing Scrabble on vacation with baby Sammi 

Just Engaged… notice the shirt under the jacket. 

Temple Square

Our first trip together when we were dating. Picture taken in front of the Salt Lake temple 

Traveling to Utah from Arizona while dating 

Vacation at a cabin

Hanging out at the Loganberry house 

Boise balloon spectacular 

Stadium of Fire on the Forth of July

Playing with Sammi

Traveling with baby William 

Dating at the bowling alley 

At a cabin with Sammi 

Church chili cook-off 

Leaving Alaska, sad Brudder John 

California Coast 

Down the mountain after proposing 

San Diego, California 

Trip to Alaska

Tabasco Store California 

Cheese! 

I am so glad Charles was particular about some things -- like his vacation shirt. Those silly things have been the most meaningful to me.

Make a big deal out of the silly, fun, little things. Those little things mean a lot!

Thanks, Charles, for being awesome! And for looking awesome in your vacation shirt. Wow, I really love you!

Question: Do you have a special shirt/clothing item that stands out above all others?