Somewhere Over the Rainbow -- Back to Our Engagement Spot

Charles asked me to marry him. It was September 4th, 1999 -- in Denali, Alaska. This was not a shock of an event, actually we had pretty much pre-planned it. We had gone together to pick out our rings, and we had talked about what kind of place would be special for us -- we were never really too big into surprises, or unplanned events. 

My family always traveled to Denali for Memorial day, and Labor day weekend. Charles came along for the Labor day trip, and we went on our traditional drive out to Savage Rock -- a great place to view Denali, see animals, and a great place to hike. (And get engaged!) 

Charles and I took off together, up to the top of Savage rock. While we were up there, Charles asked if we could pray together. We found a good rock, knelt across it, and had a special prayer. I sure wish I remember what we prayed about, but I do remember feeling very good. Then he pulled out the ring, and officially asked me to marry him. Of course, my response was, "yes!" 

And then, not too long after that, a rainbow appeared over Savage rock. 

As if we needed a sign… (But it sure helped, and it was beautiful!) 

What is really interesting for me now, is reading through Charles' journal, and my journal, from around that time of life. (Engagement/ early-marriage time.) We were such little babies. We were so immature, and so ridiculously silly! We also both expressed great doubts about whether or not we should even marry each other. We were so young... there were so many fish in the sea! We both had other people that would pop into the pages of our journals -- people causing doubt in our minds of whether we were "meant" to be together. 

But, looking back, there seemed to be a force stronger than ourselves helping us to move forward, despite our fears and concerns (and other love interests!). And, with Sammi, Daniel, William, and Henry as proof -- marrying Charles was the right thing to do! There is no doubt in my mind about that! I am glad we were brave enough to go through with it! We almost called it off at one point! (Another story, for another day!) 

That time -- engagement time -- was so difficult, and challenging. (Don't get me started on the first year of marriage! Yikes!) However, what is so beautiful to me, is that we persevered through the challenges, and over time our love blossomed into something strong and wonderful. Our fears and doubt about us being together faded, and our love grew stronger with each passing day. Of course we had trials, and challenges, and disagreements, and even heated arguments -- but we also had a foundation of love. And we were just best friends. And, well, we were willing to work things out -- even really hard things. 

It is just so weird for me looking back at Charles' feelings, during our first few years together. (I read through them a few nights after he died -- BIG mistake!)  I even got upset as I read about another girl in his journals, and all his love-interests, before he met me. But then, all I have to do is go take a look at my journal before I met him and, WOW! (I'll be ripping out pages of that journal… no one needs to read through that!) 

Also, reading about our first year of marriage stirred-up some really interesting emotions. Learning to live with someone new is really something! But as I looked through his/my journal, our feelings were mutual -- it was ROUGH!!!!

But we made it through to better days! Not really easier days… just better, somehow. 

It is interesting to read the changes in Charles' journal about his fears and doubts concerning marriage. And also when a transition took place. The tone of both of our journals seem to change about the same time Sammi was born, and when we became a father, mother, child, family. Perhaps it is because we put away our selfishness with each other, and worked together on a common goal of taking care of our children, and moving forward as a family. We were no longer just Mari and Charles, we were a Mom and Dad -- together. There is a clear difference in how both of us wrote when children entered the picture… it is a beautiful thing. 

Anyway, I am getting WAY off-topic here… But, I suppose, it's my perogitive to do that! Things pop into my mind, and this is where they go! 

So, getting to the point of this post… 

While I was visiting Alaska recently, I decided I wanted to go and visit Savage Rock. I wanted to have a moment there of feeling and reflection, and I certainly had it. So, I hiked up the mountain with my sister, Kary, and some of the kids. But when we got to the special place, I only took Sammi and Daniel up with me. (Kary kept the other kids with her.) 

We went up to the same spot where Charles proposed to me. We found the rock where we prayed together. There was truly a special spirit that I felt while up on the mountain top, with my children. I had a deep sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father, and for every blessing He has allowed me to enjoy in my life. Charles is my greatest blessing. I felt overwhelmed, that somehow -- out of all the billions of people -- Heavenly Father allowed me to find my best friend. We did not start out as best friends -- that first year of marriage sends chills down my spine -- but we developed our closeness, and love, over time. And now my heart just bursts for him. His death has just made my love for him that much more intense. 

Love is amazing. Love is so powerful. And truly, indescribable with words! Wow.  

After some time with the kids, taking pictures, and carving our initials in the rock, I had them head down, so I could have some time alone. 

I found a place to sit, and pray, and ponder. The wind was blowing just right, and I was above the world, on the mountain, looking over God's beautiful creations. I felt so connected to Charles while I was there -- I did not want to leave, ever. Tears freely poured down my face, and I cried a very achey, painful cry. As I sat there -- crying and curled up in a ball in a crack in the mountain -- the rain began to fall. My tears were making friends with the rain falling on my face. 

Sometimes, when I feel so close to Charles -- like I did in that moment -- that is when it hurts the most. He is so close, yet so far away. If I had those moments all the time, I would not be able to carry on with life. These moments are unique and special, not everyday occurrences. Though they do happen, even when I am just at home. 

The rain kept falling. 

The rain caused me to get up and move. I could not stay there forever like I wanted to. I had to go back down to the real world, my children, and life… and find the courage to continue. (Seriously, just living the rest of my life on that rock felt like a good idea -- it was so calm, peaceful, and wonderful.) 

I am so grateful I had the chance to go and visit that most sacred and special place. It is now a treasured moment that I will cherish forever. Life is all about these kind of moments -- it is important to make them. Sometimes precious moments happen naturally, and sometimes you have to plan for them, and make them happen. 

I am glad I made this plan to visit our spot. It was wonderful. (Thanks to my family for getting me there!) 

From my experience, I learned that Charles wants me to keep moving forward… with life.  

His days on this earth are complete, but I am still alive. And he wants me to be happy.

If I spend the rest of my life shriveled-up in misery, he will be very disappointed in me. 

So… I choose happiness! 

And you should, too! 

Some images from the journey… 

On a clear day, you can see Mt. McKinley from this perspective. It was cloudly, but still beautiful. 

 Daniel checking out the view.

 Sammi found a quiet spot to ponder life.

 Daniel working on carving our initials into our rock.

C+ M = Charles and Mari forever

I wear my wedding ring, and also Charles' wedding ring on my thumb. I decided to take them off, and place them on the rock where he proposed, for a picture. (I was SUPER careful!) Notice the simplicity of my ring. I picked that ring because I am not a fancy girl, and jewelry is not my thing. (Though I have recently taken a liking to meaningful necklaces!) My ring has 12 diamonds, because that is how many children we originally wanted. (No joke!) We managed to receive 4 of the 12… and I (and my body) think 4 is a beautiful number!

 Another thinking spot for Sammi.

 The pathway to Heaven…

My view looking down from my crack in the mountain, where I was sitting to pray and ponder.

 Me standing in front of Savage Rock, holding my Courage to Continue sign.

 With the family…

Me sitting on the rock where we decided to become Mari and Charles… forever. 

Yes, I will continue… continuing. 

Right after we were engaged… notice the Rainbow right over our spot. Rainbows have been meaningful to us ever since. 

Somewhere over the Rainbow… that is where Charles is now… where happy little blue birds fly!