The Story of Charles' Death: PART 2

Please be aware this post is also not for children… 

The fireman shut the door to my house, and I was left alone. I was alone, except for Henry, who was in his crib while all of the chaos was happening in the living room.

The ambulance carrying Charles went flying towards the hospital, and I began frantically running around my house, trying to figure out what to do next. I just could not believe any of this was happening… I was supposed to go to the hospital for Henry that day, not Charles!  I went into my room to change from my sweaty workout clothes, and put on jeans and a T-shirt. I knew I had to get myself to the Emergency room to be with Charles, but I still had baby Henry to take with me. I did not want to waste anytime figuring out what to do with him… I just wanted to go.

With tears running down my face, I talked directly to my Heavenly Father...

"Help me!" I prayed out loud. "I don't know what to do!" 

At that very moment, the doorbell rang. I ran to it, and found my neighbor, Julie, at my front door. Julie is a faithful, and devote, Jehovah's Witness. She is also an angel, and the answer to my prayer. She asked me if everything was OK, she had seen the commotion out front, and wanted to check on us. I immediately hugged her, and said it was Charles, and that I needed to go to the ER. She told me to put Henry's carseat in her car, and she would drive me there… it was a HUGE relief, because I could barely see, or think, straight.

We moved as quickly as we could to get to the hospital. The drive there was nerve-racking for me. I had no idea what was going on… little did I know my life was about to be completely turned upside-down in a matter of moments.

We pulled up to the Emergency room, where Julie dropped me and Henry off, while she parked her car. I scurried into the waiting room, and I told them I was there for Charles. I knew by the look on the faces of those in the waiting area, that something was wrong. I was quickly guided down a hallway where I saw a lot of commotion surrounding the room I was headed towards. We stopped outside the door of the commotion-room, and my heart sank.

This could not be happening.

I stood there in shock, and everything felt like a bad dream -- nothing felt real. I was immediately encircled by a bunch of medical workers. I asked what was going on, and they told me that he did not currently have a heartbeat, but they were working on him.

Charles = no heartbeat. Mari = heart pounding.

From the time I last saw him at home when he yelled, "I can't breathe!" to the time I got to the hospital maybe 30 minutes later, he had lost his heartbeat. (I still, to this day, wish I knew what happened in the ambulance. Did he say anything? Did he cry out for help? At what point was his heartbeat gone? Questions, lots of questions.) 

I asked if I could go in the room to see him, and they let me in. I just had to see him -- no matter what!

I was tightly holding Henry in my arms, as I took slow steps into the room filled with medical equipment, and medical staff. There had to be at least 10, or more, people in the room dressed in their scrubs. They were all surrounding the hospital bed in the middle of the room. They were all acting as if there was a fire to put out, but as I walked in, they all looked at me.

And then I saw him.

Charles was lying on the hospital bed, dressed in a medical gown, with his skin a palish grey color. He was connected to all sorts of machines, his body was limp and swollen, and his beautiful brown eyes were actively rolling back in his head.

He looked… dead. 

I cannot describe how my heart felt in that moment. Just thinking about it now makes my heart weak and fiery.

All of my dreams were slipping away… with him. 

There was a lady fiercely beating on his chest -- trying with all of her might -- to get his heart going again. It looked to me like there was a line of people taking turns with CPR. It was a violent, intense, process. Charles' body would just flop as they beat on his chest.

It felt like a nightmare… there was no way I was seeing what I was seeing. My life, my love, my sweetheart was dying -- right in front of my eyes. And I could do nothing to save him. I wanted to cry out to him to LIVE!!! Just LIVE! But I stayed silent.

I stood in the corner of the room, trying to stay out of the way, while the sweet hospital Chaplain kept asking me if I was OK. I was doing my best to hide Henry from the images in front of us, he did not see daddy, and he really had no idea what was going on, but the Chaplain helped me shield his eyes to protect him.

I stood there and watched as they kept beating at his chest… until I could watch no more.

My heart, and Henry, were getting heavy, and I was feeling weak, and sick.

I went back out into the hallway, where I sat right outside the door of the room Charles was in. I was bombarded by people. I was asked if I would like someone there from my own religion to help me, and I said yes. They made some calls, and a sweet Mormon lady came to my side -- she was like a fierce grandma, who's purpose was to guide and protect me.

My mind and heart were all over the place, but I had to take care of some business, too. I had my new Mormon Chaplain call the courthouse and let them know Charles would not be in court. I also had her call the main office at the very same hospital, to let them know I would be missing my scheduled kidney appointment with Henry that day. I then called my friend, Rachelle, to see if she could come and take Henry, and she sent over her husband, Tyson (Charles' best friend and member of our Bishopric), to be at the hospital.

Henry was sitting on my lap, making a mess of some crackers, and my neighbor Julie had joined me. I asked her if she needed to leave, and she told me no, and that she would be with me as long as I needed her. She is a beautiful example of her Jehovah's Witness faith -- she stayed with me all day.

Meanwhile, in all the commotion, I was hearing reports that they were able to recover Charles' heartbeat. I felt a flicker of hope enter my heart -- but it was a small flicker. I could not imagine Charles coming back whole, after seeing his eyes the way they were.

Tyson showed up at the hospital, and we transferred Henry to Rachelle in the waiting room. I was like a zombie at this point, just doing what I was told, and going where I was told to go. There were also a couple of Mormon missionaries with us, waiting for the right time to give Charles a blessing.

We got Henry situated with Rachelle, and went back to the room Charles was in.

Because they were able to retrieve his heartbeat, they decided to move him up to the Cardiac Unit. He had a heartbeat, but he was never coherent, or awake, he was in a coma-like state. The entourage of people with me watched as they wheeled him out of the Emergency room, and towards his new location upstairs.

We all took the elevator, and went to a waiting area connected to Charles' room. The Cardiac Unit was a large room, with a main central desk area, with little rooms all around it. The rooms had hospital beds and machines, which were only separated by a curtain. I could see other patients in some of the other rooms.  The waiting area we were in was about 20 steps to his room.

After making it upstairs we arranged for Tyson, and the missionaries, to give Charles a Priesthood blessing. We all washed our hands for sanitary purposes, and went into the small room where Charles was resting. He was connected to all sorts of machines, and tubes -- the tube in his mouth had blood in it. As Tyson gave the blessing, I could not hear very well, since the machines were loud and the men were at the head of the bed, and I was at the foot of the bed, with my Mormon Chaplain by my side. I can only imagine how difficult it was for  Tyson, trying to give his best friend a blessing, in such awful circumstances. I am sure what he wanted was for Charles to rise up and live -- but sometimes Heavenly Father has other plans.

After the blessing, the two young missionaries shook my hand and said, "He is going to be OK, I just know it!" I smiled and nodded, but I also knew that Charles being "OK" was all a matter of perspective… Heavenly Father's perspective.

After that experience, we went and sat back in the waiting room for bit, and then Julie and I were encouraged to go and get some food. We went down to the cafeteria, where food looked like garbage to me -- the last thing I wanted to do was eat. After we paid for our food, we were looking for somewhere to sit when we heard an alert over the intercom...

It was a code blue. And it was for Charles.