Game Face

I had the surgery on leg number two. I am so glad to get it over with. Now I just have to heal. Healing hurts. It is a hard and painful process to heal the body, and the mind. I have had a chance to try my hand at both lately. I have had tears, and triumph. But I am determined to smile; because my smile still works. 

Leg number two surgery hurt way worse than the first one. I had a great amount of fear and anxiety heading into it this time, knowing the pain that I had already experienced. Going back for more made my heart race, even though I tried to tell it to be still. The night before my surgery I woke up and my heart was beating super fast, and I felt all fluttery, and worried. 

My procedure got started later than planned, so the medication they gave me to calm me, started to wear off half way through. There were moments when I could feel the veins being ripped out, without any numbing. I cannot even describe the pain. This leg required twice as many incisions to remove the veins. My first leg required around 20 cuts, my second was over 40. The doctor said it was one of the worst cases he had seen. Yea for me. For 12 years I have been carting around something so painful and extreme. The second leg had way bigger veins, and he was all excited by the size as he ripped them from my flesh. I could not watch this time. It was too painful, and I regretted watching the first time, as the images later made me shake in horror.  

The doctor was also floored by my allergic reaction on my first leg. He said he had never seen anything like it. We are trying to avoid that reaction this time around by not using the medicine they put under the steri strips. I sure hope it does the trick. Having that pain on twice as many cuts might make me crazy. The allergic reaction hurt worse than the normal pain from the process. It still lingers on my leg now in the form of scabby red welts. 

The day before the procedure I went for a walk by the river. I think I walked about 5 miles or so. I just felt so amazing, and I wanted to keep going, and going. It smelled so wonderful, and I knew that I would not be feeling so good the next day. It was such a perfect morning, and I just felt full of hope and joy. I know I will get there again. It took 2 weeks to walk swiftly, and feel good after leg one. 2 more weeks from now, and I should be feeling good again. 3 weeks from now... I may be running! Yippee! I cannot wait to try running with full leg health and strength. I know I will have to build up to it by walking, but I think I will get there quick with muscle memory. 

The night before the procedure I went with a friend to sing to a lady who is dying of cancer. She is in her home, just waiting to go to Jesus. She was in so much pain she just kept saying, "No, no, no..." and, "Ouch, ouch, ouch." Her sweet husband was so grateful to have people there. She was in so much pain, but the singing really seemed to soothe her soul. We sang Hymns and Primary songs, and her husband kept asking for "just one more song." It was so precious. He was able to sit for a minute and rest as we sang. My heart ached for them both, but especially him, as I know he will have a long road ahead of him. She will be OK... she is going to a beautiful place. Her pain will end, and she will be free. The hard road is trod by those left behind. My prayers are with them both. It was a privilege to offer a very small bit of comfort. Somehow my pain melted away in service and love. 

I spent last night crying in my bed. My leg ached so badly it sent shivers throughout my body. Normally if I was sick or in pain, Charles would be around to tend to my needs, and comfort me.  I am grateful for wonderful friends and family who are always there to help me, may Heaven bless them all.  Last night, I just let my tears pour out. I begged for comfort and peace. 

I cried myself to sleep, and I woke up to face another day. 

Today I have been doing pretty good. I hurt, but I managed to hobble myself to the grocery store, to fill our kitchen. I gimped the whole time, and it hurt like heck to walk for so long. My first leg -- which was my weak leg -- had to act as the stronger leg, and make up the difference for the leg I cannot really stand on yet. It is kind of funny, because I did not realize how strong and healed up the first leg was, until it was put to the test today. Hooray for my first leg! It rocked! Daniel also came with me, and helped me limp along. He asked me if it was really that bad, because I was going so slow, and hanging on to the cart for dear life. Yep, it was that bad. But I made it. And now we have food. I was given the strength I needed to get the job done, and feed my family. 

Life is full of battles, large and small. I am grateful for the desire in my heart to face life with courage. I am grateful for the fire within me that carries me through the tough stuff. I know a better day is on the horizon. I just know it. I can feel it in my soul. I know I am meant to learn these refining lessons, and I cannot wish them away. 

Even though I hurt, I am choosing to smile today. (The picture at the top is from today.) 

I just love smiling. 

Smiling is the best. :) 

Here is a picture right after the procedure, they had me rest for a minute before standing. 

Here is my new gimpy leg. It is wrapped in 3 layers of padding, ace bandages, and a compression sock. I had blood soaking through yesterday, from one of the major vein removal areas, but it stopped. This is how I have to roll for the next few days. Fun! 

This is me right after the surgery waiting to walk. It was oh so much fun!