Coming to Terms with Being Single

I am single again. This is not something I ever dreamed I would have to face. I was very young when I got married the first time. I was 19 years old. I was a silly and spunky dreamy-eyed girl, who wanted to get married, and then... whatever. I had not even thought much about motherhood back when pursuing dating, I was not sure I was cut out for it. I just knew I wanted to find someone to spend my life with, someone who would alway be there by my side. I loved being in love, and all that it entails.

I was blessed to find such a man as Charles so quickly, and oh, I am so glad we did not wait and stall and drag things out too long. Everyday we had together -- even the not so great days -- were worth it. Over time we formed something really wonderful, and our marriage was a lovely one, not perfect, but very, very good.

That first year of marriage though, oh boy, how come no one ever warned me about the adjustment period? Wow. That was really something! Not to mention I was as young and silly as could be. And so was Charles. We were both working and in college, and life was full of ups and downs. But we stuck it out, and each year we grew closer together, and more in love. (Warning to all Newly Weds: That first year can be extremely challenging, so don't give up! )

Now I find myself married, but single. I have an eternal marriage with Charles, but I have a long life left to live without him here on earth. What's a girl to do? I am approaching the two year mark here in a few months, I can hardly believe that. I have not been brave enough to really seek out the dating scene, but I have made a bit of effort here and there. Really though, I have not been ready. I am still not ready. I think it is hard to ever feel ready being a mother of 4 children. I mean, really, can you imagine how you would feel, if you were in my shoes? Yikes! I would be one of those girls willing to pine away for Charles forever... if I had not been counseled in a different direction multiple times.

The thing is, I have so much love inside of me. I have an even greater capacity to love now than ever before, because of time, and experience. Sure I try and shower my children with love, it is great and noble, and eternally rewarding; but love -- romantic love -- is different. One day my children will grow up, and that time is speedily approaching, and then what? I could go and become a career woman and conquer the world or something grand, but my heart is simply not in that route. It never was. Charles and I dreamed of missions when the kids were grown and gone. I could go on a mission alone, but I was so hoping to have a companion for that adventure. Only time will tell in that area. My future is yet to be written.

I have noticed something from being single for these near two years. I may not need a man for me to be happy, but I sure love helping a man to be happy. There is just something in me that thrives on nurturing and loving a man. I can keep busy, be a good mother, thrive and progress, love and serve, and find joy in other ways, sure, of course! I have set goals, and things I want to accomplish, and I will.

But life is simply not as sweet, not as fulfilling, as it was being married. I know that it is not the case for everyone, but it has been the case for me. Marriage was not always bliss, and often was just plain hard work, but nothing helped me grow and be unselfish like being married. I have grown a lot over the last few years without Charles and our companionship, to be sure. But I feel a hole, like something is missing, and I know what it is, but what it is terrifies me to even consider. There is a hole left from Charles being gone, absolutely. But this is a different hole... one I am not sure how to fill, because it involves things mostly out of my control.

There is a hole because I want to be in love again.

I believe all who do not have love long for it -- even if they deny it, and say otherwise. Or maybe they build a protective wall around their heart so they don't get hurt. But love is something innate, something we all want, and even need. We can live without it, but life is so much sweeter when we have it. I find I miss love. I miss marriage. I miss having a companion. It is not so much about needing help, or being incapable of being alone... it is just... well... romantic love is missing in my life. I miss it. I miss it a lot. Being without the physical side of companionship is hard, but not having someone to share thoughts and ideas with is very challenging; especially for someone like me, I am always thinking.

I did venture out to my very first Singles activity about a month ago. I was encouraged to go to a Singles potluck. I did not want to go at all. It is so not my thing, to go and mingle in large social gatherings... no thank you! I prefer getting to know someone one-on-one. I used to love dances too, but I don't know about all that now. But I am willing to take some risk, and leap out of my comfort zone... I know nothing will happen if I make no effort at all.

Anyway, so this Singles event was so strange for me. I was so hesitant to go, but I also felt like I really should go and make the effort. My kids were all sorts of nutty right before I left, just really high-energy, and I did not want to leave them. As I walked out the door, my older children said, "Make good choices, Mom!" It was all so wrong, and so weird.

I drove to the church, giggling at myself all the way, and I sat in the parking lot. It was dark outside, and so I waited a moment before emerging from the protective bubble of my van. I could not really see much of what was going on inside, but I got up the guts to move, and I went in -- yea for me!

As soon as I walked through the doors, I knew it was going to be awkward, and not the singles experience I was maybe hoping for. All I could see was a sea of gray and white hair. A bunch of sweet older folks, just looking to mingle and have some social interaction. I found a table to sit at, a table full of women, very mature women. The lady right next to me was 90 years old. She was the sweetest thing ever, and I loved her instantly. We both shared our stories of widowhood, and I felt my heart soften towards everyone in the room... so many lonely people.

If it wasn't so sad, it would have been comical for me, because it was not what I was expecting, at all. It was an event for 30 and older, but I did not see any 30-40 somethings, just a lot of older folks. Now, don't get me wrong, I love older people. I hope to be one myself someday, it is a privilege to grow old. It is just not quite the age group I was expecting to mingle with, on my first attempt at being brave, and stepping out onto the scene.

I drove home giggling at myself all the way, and I felt Charles having a good laugh at me too.

As I said, I am not really ready for any of it. I am more ready now than a year ago, but if I stop and think too much, it is hard for my brain to except any sort of change in my life -- especially such big change that will rock the foundation of my family. But I know it is in my future, and so I keep my eyes open, and I work to open my heart to new love, and new experiences. It is not an easy thing, this being single again.

I am still working it out in my head.

My heart might take even more time.