Figuring Out Who I am Now, As a Single Woman

My life used to revolve around Charles. We lived life together. We were rarely apart. I think the longest we were apart was less than a week. When I returned home after that week, he said he never wanted to be away from me for that long ever again. It was adorable. With him gone from me now, I can feel so lonely. In some moments of intense loneliness, I surprise myself with how many tears fall so freely.

I am not lonely for friends, or good company. I am lonely for love and companionship, like I had with my sweetheart.

That feeling has been intensifying lately.

Just consider that I have been without a real hug and kiss for almost two years.

I will leave it at that.

I know that life will work out, and probably more beautifully than it should. But right now, it feels so strange and unsettling to be alone. I am getting used to it more and more, but I am not so sure that is a good thing. I grow more tough, but I fear losing my softness.

I want to find a man to share my life with, but I have such fears about finding someone new, because how could someone new ever measure up to Charles? And even more frightening to me is how can I ever be good enough for someone new? (Hear me out before you think I am lacking confidence in myself.) 

Charles and I built our life together, we started out very young. We grew up together and became "one" in a powerful way. Because we were so young, we kind of merged into each other along our journey. We both became new creatures by sharing our lives, and our love. We both helped each other become better, we became more than we were alone.

But that is gone from me now. I am left to discover who I am as just Mari. Who am I now? I never thought I would be faced with such an excruciating self-examination during the prime of my life. I know who I am, of course, in an eternal sense. But for some reason, being left without Charles has caused such painful introspection. I try to discover what is left of me, as I pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and altered life without him.

My battle takes place on the inside. My heart is like a punching bag for my emotions, as they uppercut left and right, with relentless power. My emotions have no regard for the time of day or night. They just come at me swinging; but I am learning to swing back. I don't want to turn the other cheek to my emotions, I want to face them head-on. That is the Karate kid in me.

In marriage we were very comfortable with each other. I felt secure in the love I shared with Charles. I know he loved me despite my weaknesses, he loved my strengths, and even the in-between stuff. He saw me at my best, and he held me at my worst. He allowed me to cling and claw helplessly at him, while giving birth to our four children. He knew the very depths of my soul. He knew things about me that no one else knows. He was just my very best friend, and we shared so much love. My self-confidence was not interdependent with his love -- at least I did not think it was -- but sometimes it sure feels like that might be the case, as I am left figuring out who I am now without him.

Who is this Mari who stands alone to face the world, as a single, widowed, mother?

Charles was always there to lift me up if I had troubles, or concerns. He did not always say the right thing at the right time, but he always tried. I just knew he loved me, and that was so comforting, and helped me to feel so safe. That feeling is missing from my life. And though eternal bonds offer up a feeling of peace and comfort for the future, the "now" is a mortal now, and there are moments when I am left feeling so very mortal. Unfortunately, loneliness is one of the less enjoyable mortal experiences that I am privileged to understand.

I can feel so raw. I don't really know how to explain it. But all of my flaws, weaknesses, and things that are less desirable about myself came to the surface not too long after Charles died. When I consider eventually offering myself now to someone new, I have so many reservations. I am not just concerned about loving someone else, I am also very afraid of allowing someone else to love me. It is not that I am unlovable, it is just that I am terrifyingly flawed. Honestly, sometimes it seems easier going it alone, rather than thinking of sharing my weaknesses with someone else. It seems like so much work right now.

When I was young, I was so much more oblivious, and carefree. I was eager to share my life with someone. My weaknesses -- which I surely had/still have in abundance -- didn't bother me as much then. But now I have seen a few more years, and gone through the birthing process four times, and I am different in so many ways. I am no longer a child, I am a woman. I was 19 when I got married, now I am going on 36. The last time I was single and alone, I was a child. I have to figure out who I am as an adult, single, woman.

This is no easy task, I tell you what!

I do not expect to feel totally whole before I go out and pursue dating and all of that crazy stuff. But I do want to at least feel better, or maybe more ready? It is a different world of dating now with all the technology and texting and all the ways to communicate. It has only been about 17 years since Charles and I first started dating, but the world has changed so much. We had to talk on the phone, or be in person to communicate with each other, and email was just blossoming at that point. But now, there are just so many ways to be in touch with someone, it is mind-blowing. The dating game is something I really know nothing about now. It kind of makes me nauseous to think about it.

But I do think about it, a lot.

When I think about a man who would be willing to embrace me, and my family, I have to wonder if there is such a man in existence? How could there possibly be someone out there so good, and so wonderful? But I have reason to hope that there is, and so I hold to that hope, even when it feels so far away. I might be 75 years old when I finally find him, but I will find him.

In the pursuit of figuring out who I am now, I am working on a few of my changeable weaknesses, and in some things -- I just have to let go. Eventually when I do date, it is guaranteed that I will not be the only side of the romantic equation that has weaknesses and insecurities. I am guessing that middle-aged men are a little more conscious of their weaknesses too. It is amazing how love can conquer such things as our human frailties and shortcomings.

I am relying on love to conquer such things once again.

Otherwise, this girl is going to remain single until the cows come home.

*The picture above is of the mirror in my bedroom. Sammi came in when I was gone, and wrote me some sweet messages.