Dealing with Dating Disappointment

Dating is hard. It is filled with emotional highs, and lows; along with a ridiculous amount of confusion and doubt. Dating as a widow? Well, just add a few layers of hard-packed grief and sorrow, pile on the confusion and doubt, sprinkle with an overindulgence in chocolate, and you will arrive at where I am at, right now.

I will call this current widowed-and-dating place: Blah. 

Yes, I feel very, very, BLAH!

So, if you want to hear about my "blahness," then keep reading. (I realize "blahness" is not a word, but it should be, because it is how I feel!) 

Who knows? Maybe my blahness will make you feel better, because maybe you feel blah, too?

Blah, blah, blah.

Where's my chocolate? I need my chocolate!

You see, I've known it would be hard to put myself out there, to date again. I've known that I would risk heartbreak and loss, by gambling on the potential to love again. Knowing the risks, and feeling the gut-wrenching results, are two different things.

I knew what I might feel during the dating process, but I did not know what I would feel.

I feel blah.

Oh wait. I said that already. Forgive me.

So, has the risk been worth the gut-wrenching blahness, so far?

I really don't know? Only time will tell.

Time... why must patience, and time, be the answer to everything?

Let's just say dating now is rough at best, and downright painful the rest of the time. I thought I was in a healthy place to handle heartbreak of any sort, because I was feeling strong, healthy, happy, and hopeful. But I've come to find out, heartbreak comes, whether I am ready, or not. Heartbreak has no regard for the state of my health, or hope that I feel. It has crept in unexpectedly, like an illness, to challenge my state of happiness, and throttle my hopeful heart. I find myself quite surprised by the physical and emotional toll that has occurred, from a disappointment in my dating life.

Now, before you think I am going crazy, or getting depressed, or flat-out losing my mind: let me *explain something.

This is a brief INTERMISSION, from our normal blog post program. Please feel free to use the bathroom if you need to, and grab some ice-cream while you are up. (Mmmmmmm... ice-cream. Why is ice-cream SO good?) 

* Here I go, on a random explanation tangent; but please allow me this moment of thought-diversion.

It might come as a shock, but I am generally over-dramatic as I express my feelings, on my blog. For me, writing is cheaper than therapy. The more explicitly, and expressively, I am able to write, the more I can set free the problems, and the pains, that plague me. Writing is a very positive force in my life, and I am so grateful for it, as a tool of healing on my personal journey.

I also want to share my writing and thoughts with you. Because, one day, you might find yourself feeling similar things as I have, and I want you to know, you are not alone. I will happily over-expose my inner feelings -- even to my own detriment -- if it is helpful to just one person.

I have been that "one person," who has been helped, while reading the personal blogs of others. I love it when people are willing to share their challenging stories and experiences; especially those who are brave enough to write about the really hard stuff.

And so, I keep on blogging, with hope that it will help just one person.

Blogging also helps me to understand myself, and understanding me is no easy task! (Wait, hold on, I will be right back... I need more chocolate. Chocolate understands me.)

My blog is like a stage, where I allow my thoughts to dance about freely. I waltz through the inner workings of my heart, and tap-dance (type) my trials out of my head. I am literally freeing myself, by expressing myself. When I finish a blog post, it is like closing the curtain -- on the choreography of commotion -- in my brain. When all of my thoughts are shimmied free for the finale, I curtsy to the computer, and give myself a mental standing ovation. After the curtain closes, and my post ends, my twirling thoughts exit stage right. I am able to move forward, with a sense of peace, from the blog post promenade.

So, now you know why I write. I write because it is freeing for me. It is not easy, and it is sometimes even painful to put my dancing thoughts, into constrictive words.

But it is worth the effort in the end.

Because, sometimes, that "one person" who is changed by my blogging is: me. 

On that note, I will continue to dance through my dramatic dating thoughts. I guess I just don't want you to worry about me (I am talking to you, Mom), as I express my hard feelings and experiences.

So, if you don't worry, I will keep writing...

Deal? 

The INTERMISSION is now over. Finish your ice-cream, and please return to your seats. Thank you.

Back to my dating drama...

Why, oh, why, must it be so hard?

I have recently experienced some pretty painful parts, of the dating process. I had someone in front of me -- a person of interest that I was connected to -- and I felt joyful, happy, and excited about life again. It was a brief time, filled with a new sort of energy. The whole thing kind of caught me off guard, because he appeared, when I was not even looking.

I was not even originally interested in this guy (the widower), mostly because I was concerned about the timing of connecting with him. It was too early on his end, and I wasn't in the mood for yet another new widower. (I have corresponded with quite a few now.) As he wrote me the first few times, I kind of rolled my eyes. I thought that it would not go anywhere, because, again, I was not in the mood, and the timing was all wrong.

But, he won me over, with his words and thoughts, through email. (What can I say? I am a sucker for well put-together thoughts!) And he was funny, too! Our communication back-and-forth flowed naturally, and despite myself, I let him in. I let him suck me into his words, and his world. He asked me for a date early on, which was wise on his part. I have written widowers in the past, for far too long, without ever meeting them in person.

So, how we originally met is a long story, but it is not just my story, so I will not share it. I am trying to be detailed, and vague, at the same time.

I did go on a date with him, and met with him a few other times. It was all good, at least for me. But again, I am only going to share so much. I did, however, ask his permission to share our first date story, and he said, "Yes, have fun with it." You can view that post: HERE.

Well, the connection with him has been cut-off recently, and so has the hope that was soaring in my heart. Maybe it was just adrenaline, or other new romance-induced chemicals? Whatever the case, the absence of the connection has left me feeling like chocolate is the only logical answer, to fill the void. (You can judge me, or you can join me... chocolate, for all!) 

The reason for the connection cut-off, was mostly bad timing. I will leave out the details, because some things are not meant to be blogged about. Let's just say nothing bad caused the separation, and in some ways, that might make it even harder?

I am not mad at him, I am sad at him.

He was a widower, and I am a widow. I mean, come on? Life, for both of us, is filled with extreme complications, and challenges. Losing a spouse, is just the tip of the iceberg. The pain and suffering that occurs after the death, is where the real torment is lurking. My heart just aches for him, because I know all too well, the severity of the pain.

So, I have no hard feelings, just sad feelings.

I can be a logical person, sometimes. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I am afraid my emotions can get the best of me, despite my desire to coat my heart in a layer of protective stone. Humans are emotional creatures, after all. And I am human. I am learning to accept that. I try and allow myself to feel what I really feel, rather than denying my feelings; or fighting against them by numbing myself (insert Cadbury Mini Eggs here), to reduce the pain.

So, how do I really feel?

I feel sad. I don't just feel an empty blah feeling.

No, I feel a deep sad feeling.

And that is OK.

I am OK. I'm just sad, that's all.

Feeling sad is an OK part of life. I won't feel sad forever, but I accept the emotion now, and will embrace it, in its fullness. (That sounds like good advice, my blog-therapist. I will pay you later.) 

I am sad, because heartbreak hurts. 

Dating is replete with heartbreak.

Dating as a widow, thrashes about the heart in unearthly, dreadful, ways.

I might as well accept that reality, and learn how to deal with it.

Because it is my reality, if I want to date. And I do want to date.

So, after I finish crying my guts out, I will use my tears to polish my courage.

And get back in the saddle again.

(Don't worry, I will make sure the saddle has a pocket for my chocolate, just in case!)