Love and Logic

I believe in love. At least I did, once. Love was natural for me, before Charles died. My belief in love has been placed under the microscope lately. I have had to ask myself some hard questions. I have had to try and figure out how my heart really feels, as I put myself out there in the dating world, exposing myself to possible relationships, and potential heartbreak. The reality is, even casual dating can turn into something unexpected... something like love, perhaps?

Love.

What is love?

Why is it so elusive? Why is it so difficult to define?

And why is it so hard to find?!

There are many nights when I place my head on my pillow, and I just stare at the ceiling, while trying to figure out what love really is. And when I say "love," I mean romantic love; the kind of love you share with a partner. I am not referring to physical intimacy (though that is part of it). I am referring to everything about a romantic relationship. I have gone so long without that kind of close connection, I find myself surprisingly confused, as I try to remember what romantic love even feels like.

It is a strange thing to forget, because love felt as easy as breathing, when I had someone to love in front of me. Maybe therein lies the answer? Maybe love would make sense again, if I had someone to love again?

I have had almost four years to sort out all of the "logistics of love" in my mind.

What I mean is, I have thought of all of the reasons why I should stay single, forever.

If I think about loving again as a widow, using only logic, the mental list makes me long for continued loneliness, rather than facing the ridiculous facts!

I have run over all the possible negative outcomes in my mind, regarding remarriage. I have read all of the dismal statistics on failed second marriages. I have contemplated and prioritized the needs of my children, over the desires of my heart, because that feels safe. I have lost sleep over the hardships that I can only imagine would ensue in a blended family. I have wondered, daily, if I would become the evil stepmother from all the fairytales. (It is one of my biggest fears!)

I have taken a long, hard, look at myself, and I often come up short when I consider stepping into the role of mother, to children other than my own. I have also become very protective of myself and my family, and the thought of letting "foreigners" into our family makes me extraordinarily nervous. Don't get me started on things like combining finances, moving from our current location, or other such things that keep my heart firmly planted in its comfort zone called home.

My mind has run through the gauntlet of pessimistic possibilities, to the point of becoming paralyzed. I could make an extremely long bullet-point list, of all the reasons why getting remarried seems, to put it simply: too hard.

So, why seek out the love that might lead to such hardship? 

I have come to the conclusion, that love a second time around -- according to logical thinking -- is not for me!

Logic.

It fails me.

Every time.

Now... hold on a minute, before you think I have given up on loving again!

Not so! 

I have gone over a few of the logical reasons, showing why I should remain single, until I die. And maybe I will remain single, if I never find the right kind of man to share my life with. (Notice I said the "right kind of man," not the perfect man.)

Despite my logical fears, I still have faith in love!

You see, there is another part of my brain (or maybe my heart?), and in this place, there is room for something larger than logic. In this place, my heart allows a warm blanket to gently fall over all of the potential problems. And that "warm blanket" gives me courage. I feel hopeful. I have faith. I realize that new love would be something bigger than me, and more powerful than my fears. This feeling that stirs inside of me -- as I think of the possibility of loving another man, and potentially his children -- this feeling drives me forward, and pushes me, like a boat pushed by the waves of the sea, to the safety of the shore.

I simply cannot fight against the power of this desire for new love.

My logic falls limp, when love puts on boxing gloves, and goes for the knockout. My fears become bruised, and my doubts are put in a headlock, unable to fight back against such a force.

I have discovered that logic can only take me so far, and then it leaves me empty-handed (and empty-hearted). I am not saying I should throw logic out completely. In fact, logic plays an important part in real lasting love. The daunting facts of remarriage must be considered, carefully thought through, and the problems that come along with the territory must be dealt with as they come. And problems will come, that is a certainty. Life is a series of problems to be solved, every, single, day. Oh, how I know it!

Love doesn't make problems disappear.

But there needs to be a balance between love and logic.

There should be a sense of reality and reason in relationships, not just rose-colored romance. But there should also be rose-colored romance, if a relationship is going to outlast the logistics!

For me, love is so much more powerful than logic will ever be. (I know, I know, I'm an idealistic dreamer, it is just part of who I am.) All the songs, poems, stories, movies, and great works of art revolve around the mystery that is love (not logic). I naturally see the logical side of things, I stress about it, but then, I let love conquer the hard stuff in my heart, and I allow a path for hope. I believe there is a strong connection between hope, faith, and love.

I am not ashamed of my desire for new companionship and romantic love in my life. I have talked to enough people -- the young and the old -- to know that we all long for love. We are designed that way. We are designed to seek after such love.

If it were easy to find, I guess it would not make it so valuable.

Love is so very precious, and so worth the risk.

Logic can get in the way of love sometimes, at least it can for me.

But lovers do not say,

 "I logic you."