The Source of My Light

I have so much light in my life. I have so much joy, laughter, and happiness. I have so much to be grateful for. I have so many blessings, and reasons to rejoice. I pack around some major grief with me -- pretty much all of the time -- but I am learning how to allow Jesus to lift my burdens. 

It is hard to let Jesus help me sometimes. It is not that I do not want His help, because I do. I am always seeking, trying, and striving to learn how to allow Jesus to light my way, and lighten my heart. I am learning how to handle my grief, with Him. It is not as easy as just asking Him to take it away. I have been making a study of how to allow the Lord to lift my burdens. I look forward to General Conference coming up this weekend, where I believe some of my questions will be answered. 

Honestly, I think managing grief will be a daily effort, for the rest of my life. I do not think I will one day arrive at this place, or day, when I do not need to reach out for His help anymore. This grief that I feel -- from losing Charles -- I think I will always have it with me in this lifetime. I believe that I need the help of the Lord, daily, to carry my burden of grief. It is like my grief anchors me to Him. I would like to throw grief out of my heart, and be done with it already! But this grief has also brought me closer to God, and made me rely on my Savior, in a way I could scarcely imagine before becoming a widow. I have always needed my Savior, but now, it is like I feel the deep reality that I am nothing without Him. 

I will always need Heavenly help. I cannot do it alone. I am not strong enough, or wise enough, to handle life without help from God. I will always need to reach for Jesus. I will always need to seek Him. I also know that He will always be there for me. He has always been there for me. I am eternally grateful, forever. 

I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus! 

Here are some moments of light from my life... 

Henry. This boy, he sure lights up my life with his energy, and zest for living. He is so eager to have fun and just live in the moment. Little children are good at that, you know?  I really should learn from him more. Of course, someone does have to be a grown-up around here. I guess that responsibility falls to me. But sometimes I get tired of being the one in charge all the time, and having to make all the decisions. 

My sister once asked me what I do to take a break from the kiddos, because I can't just send them away for fun with their dad. Well, the answer is... I hide. I hide in my room, and shut the door. I try to read uplifting things, and also, I take time to ponder. I have to recharge my mind and body, to manage the family on my own. 

The book was very motivational. :) 

I also exercise to recharge myself. I enjoy exercising, but it is not as much of a peaceful, relaxing, thing. Being a mother requires taking care of the physical needs of the children, but also their emotional needs. And my children range from ages 5-16, and so I am balancing a very weird array of emotions. Let's add the fact that my children have been through the trauma of losing their dad, and sometimes, things can get interesting around here. Henry (he is almost 6 now), has started asking a lot of questions lately. I am so grateful for the gospel as an anchor in my life, because it really does help me to know how to lead and guide my family, despite my own weakness. I study the gospel, and then I pray for help. I need Heavenly help to know how to guide this family of mine. 

Just soaking in the light from nature, while on a run. I have received a lot of guidance and revelation while out running in nature. 

There was a beautiful display of light during a sunset the other night. I love it when the clouds are blanketed with fire, as the sun lays down to sleep.

 Spring is beginning to burst through the darkness of the winter.

 The weeping willow trees are coming to life!

 Life is finding the way.

 I am so lucky to have wonderful places to go and enjoy nature.

 It is the little things, like the light coming through the leaves. Little things make my heart happy.

The sun is starting to feel warm when it shines. I love it when the weather is warm. I love it when it is not too hot, and not too cold.

 Remnants of Fall.

 Tulips are such happy, joyful, flowers.

 Tulips are like the first smile of Spring.

Every morning I wake-up, and this is the sign that greets me. A sweet friend got it for me. Charles used to always tell me I was beautiful. He said he chose that word on purpose, because it means so much more than just skin-deep attraction. "Beautiful" is something that shines from the inside out. I am not interested in being "hot," or "glamorous," or even "gorgeous." Beautiful is so much more than physical appearance, and women should be so much more than their appearance.

This book. It is good. I love it.

Here is a little snippet from the book:

"Mortality is a brief but vitally important stage in this eternal journey designed to help us ultimately become like our heavenly parents. It is a period of testing, a season of probation. When our lives are finished, we will again step across the veil--this time the veil that separates this world from the next. Life here on this earth is not an end in and of itself. It is a crucial step in our eternal progression.

Thus, this life really isn't about this life. It is about what comes next." 

-Sheri Dew

 I took the younger boys out for some Friday night fun at the pet store, just to look at the animals.

 Fish are really so amazing, all the different kinds, and colors.

Some of the mice had babies. They were SO small. Mice kind of gross me out though. I have had some bad experiences with mice.

I love to watch how movies are made. I love the extra behind the scenes information. It is so amazing to see all the effort and details that go into creating a fantasy world for the movies. People are so talented, and creative! Can you guess the movie...??

Speaking of being creative... William drew this without looking at anything. I thought it was pretty sweet!

This is me living it up. Nothing better than relaxing and watching a movie, after the kids are asleep.

 Henry sporting his awesome hair.

 This boy loves to flip.

 I have been enjoying this book. I am not sure if it is helping, or making things worse? Ha!

William found a flower, and he ran inside to give it to me as a gift. I wore it in my hair, and I felt loved. I am grateful to have boys who still want to run to me, and give me flowers. ;)

 The Greatest Showman. Our family loves this movie. I cry every time I watch it.

I came across this thought, and I found it interesting...

It snowed! We went to church, and it was barely snowing. After about an hour, it looked like this outside...

They were the big, huge, fluffy flakes. 

I took my Sunday School class outside to enjoy the snow-magic. I love my class! I love my calling! I also want to say that our future is in good hands. There is so much negative talk about the rising generation, but that is not what I see. These youth, they are going to do amazing things! They are so good, and they have the capacity to deal with the challenges they face. Yes, life will be hard for them, but they have been prepared for this time. It is an honor to be their teacher, and to learn from their wisdom and insight. I believe in them! (Some of the kids were gone for Spring Break, and we missed them!)

 Sammi basking in the glory of the magic.

Henry still carts around his blanket. He calls it his "Bunky." It was once Daniel's blanket for his bed, but somehow, Henry ended up with it. It has seen better days.

 Just stacking some cookie cutters.

 We spent a lot of our Sunday evening coloring together as a family.

 I love being with my family!

 They are the greatest joy in my life!

We made some silly faces...

 Sad face.

 Weird, eye-twitchy, face?

This is how Sammi really feels.

 Constipated Henry.

 The face William makes when I tell him to "Smile"!

 Grumpy-faced Daniel. I think his eyes are still smiling though...

Don't mess with me!

 Blah.

 I told him to make a "Henry face."

 The look of disgust.

 I told him to make a "Daniel face." (The smolder.)

 

This is a drawing of our family, by Sammi. Notice the bunny. A bunny will soon be joining our family, because one of my children happens to be very persuasive. 

A couple of brothers "hugging it out." Sometimes my boys need help to get along. That is what I am for. If my kids have issues with each other, I have them say 5 nice things about each other, and then they have to hug. They are usually laughing by the end. Loving each other is not optional in this house. We are all in this together. Sometimes love is hard, but these family relationships, they are worth the hard.

 I made popcorn on the stove.

 It takes a little more effort, but our popcorn machine broke.

It is kind of relaxing to just gather and draw. The kids seem to love it. This picture makes me excited. We are going to go during Spring Break to see The Hunchback of Notre Dame! I took Daniel to see the musical last time, but this time, my whole family gets to see it! WooHoo!

 These two. They are buddies. They are totally normal people, I assure you.

 Yummy! (Notice the red mug coming towards the bowl... my popcorn is about to be stolen.)

Drawing rainbows. 

This next part is written by Sammi. She went on a choir trip to Spokane, Washington. The pictures were taken by her friend, Kyle. I asked him ahead of time to stalk her with his camera, for my sake. :)

Hiya Guys! It's Sammi :)

My choir went on a little tour to the Northern Idaho/Washington area. The main purpose of the Tour was to show us that even after High School, we can keep music in our lives. Our teacher wants to help embed, deep in our souls, this beautiful music... And we want to make sure it never dies.
And so our choir went to A TON of different colleges. University of Idaho, Gonzaga, Whitworth College, North Idaho College, and other places in the area. It was super fun!

Like my Mom said... I had a friend taking pictures of me. He thought it would be a good idea to whip out the camera while I was trying to eat. He thought it was hilarious... I... didn't  :)

Our choir went to a traveling Broadway production of "The Sound of Music". It was phenomenal! The beauty of the show brought me to tears, multiple times. I know it doesn't show... but I was deeply moved.

 Choir kids love music!!

My beautiful friends, Ashley and Flora. I love these girls so much. It was amazing to spend so much time with them on the trip. We sure do have a lot of fun adventures and stories together. Here, we are eating pizza for lunch at one the colleges. The stack of pizza boxes was taller than some of our choir members!

This is inside Gonzaga's campus chapel. My eyes were in wonder, and my heart in awe as we sang inside the beautiful place of worship. Every corner of the place was covered with detail, and the most amazing part was that it was full of Christ, full of light, and full of God.

 Me and Ashley at breakfast. I just wanted five more minutes of sleep!

 Pondering. It's never too busy to stop and think about God.

Woo-Hoo! Another college!

 Patiently waiting...

 As I said before... the camera enjoyed annoying me when I was trying to shove food in my face.

 The view out of the Coeur d'Alene Resort (where we stayed the last night). It was absolutely stunning!

 A beautiful sunset. (And a smiling Sammi )  :)

 Traveling on the bus. Ashley and I listened to a LOT of "The Greatest Showman". It was a good time.

And then Sammi came home! Hooray! Our house is so weird when Sammi is gone. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with that.

Sammi surprised Daniel. We are all so happy to have her back home. She is definitely a light around here.

Now it is time for Spring Break! Hooray!

Bring on more light!