Life Goes On

Life is hard, and life is good. Life is hard and good, at the same time. I used to think I could only feel one emotion at a time, but I have discovered that just isn't true. At least, it doesn't seem true? I seem to be able to feel both sadness and happiness, simultaneously, quite often. 

How is this possible? 

I don't know. 

And maybe it isn't really possible to feel two opposing emotions, at the exact same time; but it sure feels like it is possible, at least for me. 

I pack around grief and gladness with me, always. I think of the two emotions like different sides of one coin. I always have the coin in my pocket, but if I were to take the coin out and flip it, it would land with only one emotion facing me. And yet, the opposing emotion is still there, on the other side of the coin (just not showing), while the other one is face-up. 

So, maybe it is more like I have the grief-and-gladness coin in my fingers, and I am caressing both sides at the same time; therefore, making it possible to feel both sides of the "emotional coin" at the same time... and... uhhh.... well... OK, I am done now. This analogy is going too far for my level of brain capacity right now! 

The End. 

Right now, I am doing two opposing things at the same time: I am tired, and I am trying to type.

Not a good idea! 

Moving on... 

I guess my point is, even though I have been sad about some recent (dating) experiences, I am also still happy. I have been allowing the sadness to work through me, and teach me what I need to learn. 

Everything in life is a learning experience. 

So, even though I have been carting around some sad feelings, I am still functioning with a general sense of gladness. Sometimes sadness is pulled into focus, and sometimes gladness wins the moment. I do believe in trying to have a positive attitude, but I am also starting to believe in allowing real feelings to weave their way through my heart, without trying to push back with positivity. 

If I let the sad feelings flow through me, without obstruction, it seems like they can pass more quickly. If I keep pushing back the real gut-wrenching feelings, or if I try to stop them, then it feels like I am placing a dam in an emotional river. I am just keeping the sadness blocked in longer, by doing that. I am trying to set my sadness free, by actually allowing myself to fully feel it! 

Flow free, my little sadness river! 

I have also learned it is important to let people know how I really feel. When people ask, "How are you?" The typical knee-jerk response is, "I'm doing fine, thanks." Well, how often is that true? I guess it is just a way to keep things light, and at the surface. But I learned a lesson about the beauty of digging deeper, just the other day, while at the store. 

I was at Fred Meyers, and I recognized one of the cashiers. I have made it a point to try and be friendly with the cashiers, and I sometimes try and dig deeper into conversations, when I go through the grocery line. I do not always do this, but it has become something I do more often, especially lately. I am at the store a lot, so it is getting pretty funny how many people say, "Hey, it's you!" 

Well, one day, I recognized one of the ladies there. I had been through her line a few times before, so I knew some basic things about her. But during our last discussion, she told me how her son had recently died in a very tragic way. (Suicide in her home.) It had only been a week or so, since his passing. She had on a smile, a positive attitude, and you would never know she was grieving such a painful loss. I could see right through the mask of positivity though, because I have worn that same mask myself. I encouraged her to not be afraid to feel what she needs to feel, and to embrace the sadness as it comes. 

The deep conversation started, because I said how much I loved all the flowers out for Valentine's day. She said she could not stand anymore flowers, because of all the flowers she received after her son's death. I just made a very basic observation comment about flowers, and she spilled her life story. But as she shared her heartbreak with me, my heart connected with hers. I tried to lean in, as much as I could, so I could listen with my heart. After the final item was scanned, I stepped into her cashier area, I gave her a hug, and told her she is loved. 

It was a beautiful and unexpected experience for me. It was one of those moments that was made possible, from the things I have learned living as a widow. I just see people differently now. I see the suffering, I feel their heartbreak. I just wish I could make it all better, that is the hard part. Sometimes all I can do is offer a hug, or a listening ear. 

Sometimes, that is enough. 

And then, a little while later, I saw her again. But this time her face was showing the signs of grief and sadness. She could no longer hide that she was suffering. I approached her and said something like, "Hi there, you are from Mountain Home, right?" (I wanted to make sure, for certain, it was the right person, and I wanted to let her know I remembered her.) She said, "Yes, that's me." As she continued scanning my food, I said to her, "You're the one whose son just died. How are you doing? Are you doing ok?" She paused for a moment, while placing my food in a bag. She looked me in the eyes, and said, "Do you really want to know?" I looked right in her eyes, and with sincerity I said, "Yes, I really do want to know." 

And then... she let it all fly. 

She was suffering. She felt so much pain, sadness, heartache and confusion over the loss of her son, who had died in such a horrific way. Despite her pain, she did talk about God, and how she trusts Him. She had been weaving God in-and-out of our conversation. I was not sure what to say to her, but the words came out without me even thinking first, and I said, "Jesus is the only one who understands." 

And she agreed. 

Again, our conversation ended in a hug, and I felt a genuine love and concern for this women: my fellow traveler in this world, a daughter of God, one of my sisters. She was a stranger to me, but with a few words, we closed that stranger-gap. 

I walked away with a unique feeling in my heart. I felt love for this woman, whom I knew very little about, other than she was suffering. And her honest answer to, "How are you doing?" lead to a connection that would not have happened otherwise. 

The timing of me ending up in her line, was pretty amazing too. It was just a random trip to the store, a trip I didn't want to take. 

But I am guessing she needed my hug that day. 

I know I needed hers. 

Hugs are good. :) 

So, on to pictures of life... because it really does go on, and that is a very good thing! 

Here we have Daniel filling out his paperwork for Scout Camp this summer. He is planning on worker there again, so that will be fun, for him. I sure miss him when he is gone, we all do. But it is so good for him. He will actually be getting paid this year, so he is pretty excited about that. 

For Family Home Evening, we played a game. It is a game I remember playing as a child, with my family. It is a very simple game, but I managed to turn it into a gospel lesson. 

I had the kids get into teams. Then they had to go around the house, and find random objects -- anything would do. I had them hide their objects under a blanket, and away from the other team. The point of the game was to guess what the object was, based on the noise that it made. And some of the objects, well, they were pretty obscure and super random. 

Some of the objects made very unidentifiable noises, while others were much easier to guess. The search for objects was open to the whole house. And then, later, I had them narrow down where they could find the object, and limited it to the bathroom and the kitchen. 

They were able to guess most of the kitchen objects. They guessed all of the bathroom objects right away. So, it become clear that we could recognize the noises of the objects that we use the most often, especially things we use everyday, like bathroom objects. 

I tied that into how -- if we are in tune with the Spirit, the scriptures, etc. -- then it will be easier to identify the things of God, and not be so persuaded by the "noises" of the world. It was a simple and fun game, and they wanted to keep playing. The lesson was short and sweet, and to the point. Just how they like it. 

Sammi and Henry are making the noise of a retainer case, from the bathroom. They were on a team, and Dan and William were the other team. I was the referee. (I kept things moving along.)

After our lesson, we all sang Hymns together to bring the Spirit into our home. It was a little crazy and rowdy, but at least these guys love each other. (Most of the time.) They also love to wrestle with each other, so don't get the wrong idea with this picture. This "hug" is really just step one, before they all leaned back, for the tackle, and dog pile.

Some kind soul left a bunch of strawberries on my doorstep! Thank you kind soul! It was such a great surprise! I LOVE strawberries! Yummy!

 Daniel had a band concert. He wanted to look sharp.

It was all Pops music, so it was pretty entertaining. Dan had a trumpet solo during the Guardians of the Galaxy medley. It was pretty sweet.

Dan always stays after to help take down equipment. He is a good boy to help. It's funny because sometimes people mistake him for a teacher at school. He is only 14, but he doesn't look it. Just today at church, someone asked him when he was putting in his mission papers, and he said, "In four years!" Ha!

I went to the dentist, and Henry came with me. Some of my teeth have been a little sensitive lately. I didn't have any new cavities, but the dentist wondered if I had been grinding my teeth at night. I do wear Invisalign at night, and sometimes, when I put in a new tray, I tend to bite down on them pretty hard. I have been trying not do that since the dentist visit. But I only have so much control when I am asleep!

Daniel got a new shirt. He is pretty excited about it. He is often called, "The Beast." Funny thing is, he is not beastly at all. He is super soft, and sensitive in his core.

 Henry's face.

 He just makes me smile.

 There was storm and then a rainbow. It was beautiful!

 Spring is busting out all over!

 It has been warm, and absolutely lovely!

I took the kids for a family run on Saturday, and it felt so good. William loves throwing rocks in the river!

 We stopped at the river to soak in some nature.

I love these kiddos of mine! We were loving that sunshine! 

I worked them hard. Even Henry was running, though we brought the stroller too, because he still cannot quite keep up with the big kids.

 Hooray! Flowers! I am so excited! I just LOVE Spring!

 A heart-shaped group of flowers, just for me. :)

My friend, Melinda, sent me some chocolate in the mail, all the way from Pima, Arizona. It sure made my day!

So, I figured it was time for a change. Actually, Sammi thought it was time that I should change... my hair! I have had it long, for a long time...

 With Sammi's encouragement, and against my own fears, I decided to go for it.

 I went in and had it chopped-off.

And colored.

And this is the end result... (I am still figuring out how to style it?). It feels so much lighter (in every way). I like it, though it is an adjustment for me. I used to have short hair, back in the day. I had short hair when I met and married Charles. He often told me he preferred my hair short more than long. So, there you have it... this short cut was for Charles. I hope he likes it. ;)

Onward, ever onward!