Look to God and Live -- Don't Look Back

I have taught Gospel Doctrine class the last two Sundays. There was some discussion about whether or not I would be ready to resume my calling as the teacher -- but ready, or not, I wanted to teach! 

At this point in my life, if I have the chance to share the gospel -- you better believe I will! How could I pass-up the chance to share my testimony with the class of around 80 people? I could not. I had to do it. Teaching my class so soon, was just like when I got up to speak at the funeral Life Celebration for Charles -- I had to do it. It was not a question for me. How often do you have hundreds of people waiting to hear what you have to say? These moments are rare, and if I have them -- I take them. Speaking (very briefly) at his Life Celebration, was probably one of the most powerful moments of my life. I will never forget it. I had spiritual-electricity surging through my whole body. I also had to briefly Blog my testimony of God right after Charles passed away. I could not wait. Again, not a question for me, it was a MUST. 

I love to share my testimony of the things I know to be true. I always have. And now, boy golly, my fire of faith is HOT! 

And that is why I taught my class so soon. I owe it to God to share what He has given me to share. The things I have learned are not for me to keep in my pocket, and hide away, just for me. He is teaching me these lessons for a reason. I can hide and wallow in sadness in my room, or I can stand in front of people and preach the gospel. I hate wallowing -- it gives me a headache. 

So, the last two lessons have been perfect for me to teach, very helpful, very healing. My first lesson was on trusting the Lord in all things (Manna from Heaven in the Old Testament). I know people were waiting, wondering if I was going to lose it, and fall to pieces -- but I did not lose it. God was with me, no need to ugly-cry. I did not look at my lesson outline once. I left it on the stand, and walked away from it. 

And this last lesson was about how we need to look to God and live! (Brass Serpent, Old Testament.) While studying for these lessons, I have been extraordinarily edified, and uplifted. As I have studied, I have received profound guidance in how to carry on with my life, in a meaningful, and happy way. 

This last lesson was very powerful for me. Look to God and Live… What does it mean to "Look to God and Live?" 

Well, for me, it means to look forward… into the future, not dwell on the past. Faith is always pointed towards to future. Whether we like it, or not, we can only move forward. Yesterday pushes us into tomorrow. You can try and spin back the hands of time, but you will fail! 

In the profound words of Elder Holland: 

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."

When I think of looking to God, I think of looking to what He has in mind for my future. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to continue to do His will, and move forward with faith in a bright tomorrow. The future is as bright as my faith, right? Right. 

For me, looking to God means trusting Him 100%, not 50%. I need to trust that as I look to Him -- He will heal me, guide me, walk beside me, every single day. I just need to trust Him. 

TRUST HIM. 

I do trust God. 

As I consider looking to the future, I am filled with hope. Sure there will be moments of sadness where I will long for, and miss desperately, my Charles. But so far, in those "missing moments," just as soon as I allow that lonely feeling in -- my heart swells with the reality that he is still with me. The aching turns into affection. That affection turns into action, as I carry on, with him by my side -- though he is in different form than before. He will always be with me. Even as the tears burn my cheeks, I feel a tangible warmth envelope me with love. Eternal love is a powerful thing -- more powerful than I realized before. 

Speaking of Charles' love… I recently found an old email from Charles, where he referenced one of his favorite songs, Desperado. In the email he said that, "Prison is walking through this world all alone." And then his closing words of the email to me were, "I will never let you walk this world alone." 

That is just the kind of love that we have. That is the kind of love that blankets me with warmth, each and everyday. That love sends a surge of energy and excitement through my whole body. I am a lucky woman. 

He will never let me walk alone… 

So, for me, looking to God -- and not looking back -- means to not dwell on the "might have beens." I cannot always be thinking about moments that are not the way I would want them to be. Those "might have beens" will never happen, no matter how much I cry about them. What I have now is what is before me, the future… the glorious things to come. What I have is each day, each moment, and I get to live it as it happens, in the moment. I have to enjoy the moments I am yet granted on this earth. I know now, more than ever, that these moments are so very precious, and also numbered. We never know what moment is our last. We can waste our moments in misery, or enjoy them in happiness. 

I choose misery. Just kidding. I choose HAPPINESS!!!! 

We must enjoy what we have now! And look to the future with hope and faith. 

Repeat after me: "Relax. Breathe. Cherish."  

What I have now is different than what I had in the past, but it is not worse. Charles must have a really strong spirit, because we feel him with us so strongly, so often. He has promised not to leave us alone, and we all still feel his loving arms around us. 

Faith is always pointed towards the future… the past is done, there is no going back now. Lucky for me, I still have a future with Charles, a forever with Charles. And that is the way I am pointed… to forever. 

The future is ahead. Forever is ahead! I put my future in the Hands of God. 

Don't waste time longing for the past… enjoy each moment, and look to God and live!