The Show Must Go On… No Matter What

Life doesn't stop for anything, or anyone. My life has changed, but it has certainly not stopped. Charles may have died, and his life has definitely changed, but his life has not stopped. He is living in a different way -- he is now a spirit, and without his physical body -- but he is still living, and actively doing what he needs to do. He is not just lounging around in the spirit world, pondering the meaning of life after death. He is busy, perhaps having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the change… just like me.

But despite the unplanned changes for both of us… the show must go on. For me, and for him. Neither of us can sit idle until death takes me, or Resurrection reunites me with him. It just doesn't work that way. I cannot take a long nap until I see him again. There is too much to do!

I was at the Dentist the other day, discussing death, and life, with the lady who was cleaning my teeth (I talk about death with everyone now). Her mother had passed away when she was 10, and so we had a discussion about our experiences. With her experience with death, she said at one point that, "Life just goes on." And it is true. As much as you might want a "breather" or some time to really stop and reassess things… life really does go on, and there is not much you can do about it. The world keeps spinning, along with your head -- sometimes in opposing directions, to cause a grand headache!

Honestly, the last week or so I have felt emotionally dizzy. I have just had so much to do -- normal, day-to-day stuff, that just has to get done. But at the same time, my heart has been bursting with emotion -- emotions that come with no warning or reason -- they are just there. My emotions just sit, and wait, and plan their exit by way of my eyes… sometimes when I least expect it! No fair! 

I have spent the last few weeks going to multiple dentist appointments, multiple doctor appointments, setting-up orthodontist appointments, preparing for Scout camp, and Young Women's camp, organizing our house, going shopping for food/necessities, balancing the budget, talking to my attorney, closing down a law firm, buying my own burial plot next to Charles…and that is just the tip of the new-life iceberg. And next week looks about the same… including Henry's kidney appointments. There is so much more that goes on behind my scenes that I can never talk about, or share. Let's just say the things I have to think about are mindbogglingly crazy. (Is "mindbogglingly" even a word? Spell check didn't correct it, so it must be, right?) 

Life just does not stop. If I want to mourn, or cry, or grieve, it has to be done while I am doing other things. Really the only good time to cry is at night, but sometimes I am just too tired to cry by then -- I just want to sleep, or blog and write about it. ;-)

With each of these recent appointments, there has always been something to trigger a twinge of buried-emotion. For example, in almost every medical/dental/etc. form, you have to fill out your marital status. Now I get to circle the "W" (for widowed), instead of the "M"(for married).  There are a bunch of things like that that pop-up, all over the place, with every form, everywhere. Even on the Church directory, I am listed as the "head of the household" and Charles is no longer on the list. I do try and brace myself now, when I go to new places/do new things -- you never know what emotional roller-coaster you will be jumping on, at any moment of the day.

It's a good thing I was cut from the cloth of tough-cookiness. (I think I just made another new word!) 

But, with all of the crazy, I am keeping my head up, through it all. Sometimes when I am grinding the grindstone of details and business I just think, "Just do it, just do what it takes -- I will survive! " I am also trying to be a good mother, while balancing details and my emotions -- and that can be tricky. The children cannot see that I am deep in thought, or feeling, or details, when they need me for something. They still need me to just be mom, and a happy mom at that. (No pressure!) 

And I do try and choose to be happy -- not just for the sake of the children -- but for me!  I do not run around like a peppy-fairy of sparkles and joy (I have never been that!), but I am not miserable and lame, either. I am just me -- mothering my way -- I think I am pretty much the same as I was before. I'll have to ask the kids…

One of the things that really helps me feel happier is to exercise.

I run, or bike, or do something pretty much everyday. I have to. It is the only way for me to really release everything that is inside, and let it out in a physical way. I also wear sunglasses when I run, so you cannot tell if I am crying, because my tears just smear in with my sweat, and my eyes are hidden behind my dark shades. However, crying can be really hard to breathe through properly, if you really let it all out -- and I have.

Sometimes, I've had to run at night, because it is so stinking hot. I load up all the kids on their bikes (Sammi pulls Henry in the bike-puller), and we head out as the sun goes down. One of my favorite things to do is run while listening to my favorite Nat King Cole station. It is not really upbeat running music, it is more relaxing and soothing, and allows me to have a beautiful nighttime-running experience.

At night, there is a purple glow in the sky. The air is filled with the smell of warm sagebrush, and a slight cool breeze will pass over my endorphin-filled body -- it is magical. This kind of moment happened for me tonight at the same time the song, "Smile," came on. One of my favorite songs ever...  

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you… 

Those were the words I heard as I made my way up a steep hill. When I was halfway up the hill, all my kids hopped off their bikes, came running down, and said, "We have come to help you to the top!" How could I not smile with such a team on my side? My heart soared with joy for my beautiful children.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Just smile… 

Even though sometimes things are hard, and my head can almost burst with the emotions I feel -- life is still good, and I have many, many, many, many, etc., reasons to smile!  I am, fortunately, blessed with the ability to see the beauty in simple things around me, simple blessings, and the wonders of God. Yes, I feel sad… utterly sad sometimes. Just tonight I called out to Charles on my way home from running, I yelled, "Charles, where the heck are you right now? I want to know!" In that moment, my heart felt like a marshmallow, that had fallen into the campfire.

But this is my life. 

I may be a young widow, with a heavy load to carry -- but I am still supposed to be happy! 

I get this one life to live. I now recognize how valuable life really is. Each day is a gift. This day is a gift. Tomorrow -- no matter how busy, and stressful it may be -- is a gift to me.

Tomorrow I have another chance to wake-up and choose a happy life.

I am not talking about faking happy, and being all cheesy and bubbly. (That's not really my style, I am pretty mellow.) I am talking about the happiness that comes from having peace in my heart, because I know that no matter what happens to me -- Jesus is with me. He knows my pain, He knows my sorrow, and He will lift me up when I am low -- if I let Him. He can take my charred burning-marshmallow heart out of the fire, and make it white and fluffy again.

I join the Mormon Pioneers who would sing the words, "All is Well," even when all is not well.

As Elder Uchtdorf wrote: 

"So often our excuses for not being happy are in reality trivial and vain, as though we are looking for a reason to be at odds with the world—as though we want to prove somehow that we cannot experience joy.

The pioneers knew that the things around them did not determine their happiness, but the things within most certainly did. And with that spirit they found happiness in every circumstance and in every trial—even in those trials that reached down and troubled the deep waters of their very souls.

They understood that happiness doesn’t come as a result of luck or accident. It most certainly doesn’t come from having all of our wishes come true. Happiness doesn’t come from external circumstance.  It comes from the inside—regardless of what is happening around us."

For the full text of one of the best talks ever spoken go: HERE 

All is Well!