Christmas Memories

DISCLAIMER

This blog is where I record a limited depiction of my feelings, family, and faith. My blog was recently under intense scrutiny, and so I feel this disclaimer is necessary. I try to tell my story as openly as I can, but this blog represents a cropped and narrow-viewed version of my story -- like all social media -- it is NOT the full story. Many events happen behind the scenes that are not recorded or written about, due to the sensitive nature of others involved. Life has many layers. Many layers can be shared and many cannot, and this blog is simply a layer of my life that I allow others to view, but it is not an accurate depiction of all the layers of my life.

December 16, 2015

Christmas Memories

Christmas is thick with memories. It is like memories are trapped in the dust particles that gather on the decorations. Each year the decorations are hung, the dusty memories are released magically into the air, and then they settle on our hearts. Memories during this time of year are so much more deep and lasting. I also think the Christmas season with all the mood lighting, and music, is very romantic... which creates a bit of a problem for me. *Sigh.*

As I write this, snow is softly falling out my window. It is so beautiful, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. My home is filled with light and a warm glow, that comes from love and laughter and family.

But something is missing... and that something is Charles.

This year I have been feeling really nostalgic. I have also been feeling in a fog from too many Christmas cookies, but that is typical during this season, at least for me. Why is it so hard to eat a salad in the winter? Pass me the warm soup and bread, please.

This year -- our second year without Charles -- has felt a little more, I dunno, empty for me. There is no lack of love that surrounds us. We are abundantly blessed with friends, lovely people, and activities all around. My heart is actually quite full with love, and gratitude. There is nothing lacking for me by way of the Christmas Spirit... nothing, except that Charles is not here.

This year, I just miss Charles, a lot. And it has been weighing heavy on my heart.

I have been thinking about him lately, and I just really wish he were here. We have had a lot of concerts, and the children have been performing all over the place, and I just wish he were here to see all of it. Well, I know he can see it, but I wish I could see him watching... I just loved to watch him in awe over our children. That was my favorite thing; I simply loved seeing Charles happy.

Today I took just a minute, to look back over old Christmas pictures. I have found myself so grateful for recording so much of our lives. I have journals, pictures, blogs, and our life has been pretty well documented. When I look back over the pictures, and read the words of days gone by, it is like Charles is right here with me. I am transported in time, and I can remember sights, smells, feelings... all of it. I am so grateful for the ability to capture memories in time, and preserve them.

I love to live in the past, present, and future at the same time. It makes me feel... whole.

Even though I am sad Charles is gone from us for another year, I am very grateful for the time we had together. We had it good. Oh, so, good. I am so grateful for the family we have created together. And I am extraordinarily grateful that we can be together forever... we have so many more Christmas memories to make in the future, when we are all together again.

That will be a truly Heavenly Christmas, to be sure.

Here are just a few memories from the past...

Christmas PJ's

Daniel kept freaking out with each gift, he would just scream, "Yes! Yes!!!!"

Our really humungous tree we had during law school in Spokane. It was awesome.

A delicious feast, especially for us living the college life.

Sammi riding the Polar Express train in Heber, Utah. She was a little shy with Santa.

Daniel was not as shy.

Building mini-snowmen.

Sammi sampling a Christmas cookie and hot chocolate, it must have been good. It looks like Charles is on the computer going over a spreadsheet with baby in tow.

Our first ward party in Idaho.

William with Santa... looks like he has a load in his diaper.

Santa lived only a few houses away from us. We took him canned goods, and he gave the kids toys.

Charles preparing the game Lionheart to play against me... it was such a fun game. He was so happy I would play with him. We had some good times with that game.

Our first Christmas in Boise. We were renting that home, it was so much fun!

They were so young, and smooshy!

Christmas morning

Christmas day is always filled with games and fun. Charles loved playing with the kids.

Watch out!

Sammi saw this baby doll and she wanted it so badly. Christmas morning she arrived, and Sammi was the most ecstatic I have ever seen one of our children. She was shaking and almost dying with joy.