Should I Have Another Baby?

DISCLAIMER

This blog is where I record a limited depiction of my feelings, family, and faith. My blog was recently under intense scrutiny, and so I feel this disclaimer is necessary. I try to tell my story as openly as I can, but this blog represents a cropped and narrow-viewed version of my story -- like all social media -- it is NOT the full story. Many events happen behind the scenes that are not recorded or written about, due to the sensitive nature of others involved. Life has many layers. Many layers can be shared and many cannot, and this blog is simply a layer of my life that I allow others to view, but it is not an accurate depiction of all the layers of my life.

November 14, 2013

Should I Have Another Baby?

I was scared. I already had 3 children, and I was nervous to add number 4. After some soul-searching, and some time spent pondering in the Temple, I determined the answer was a resounding, "YES!"

I was afraid on many levels -- number one being my health. I was not at the best starting place to get pregnant again. I mean, I was "healthy" but not "fit" like I had been when I got pregnant with William. Charles and I had just finished the Youth Pioneer Trek when I decided it was time. (Something about pulling handcarts makes you feel you can do anything!) I was willing to sacrifice a little, knowing that I could regain my full health and strength again with some effort and diligence. At this point I have lost all my "baby weight" with only my own fat left to lose. That is another blog, for another day...

My point here is that despite my fear, God has allowed me many beautiful experiences with my sweet baby number 4, Henry. He is a doll-baby, and such a joy. He has had a rough go of it sometimes, with his kidney issues -- but even that "burden" has been made extraordinarily light upon our shoulders. Just like I was promised the day I was driving home from the hospital after my ultrasound diagnosis, I had a very strong feeling (even a voice whispered to me) that, "It will be hard, but it will be OK." And it has been, and it will be. I have come to the point in my life that I am starting to understand that even if it is not OK, it will be OK. In other words, even if things don't work out the way you want them to, they are working out the way that will help you learn, and grow, and become the person God wants you to be. Even when -- especially when -- times are hard.

A little sacrifice on my part to bring this angel into the world was well worth any pain and struggle I may have had. I cannot imagine not being willing to add a few pounds and stretch marks to my skin to give Henry a chance at life. What a privilege it is to be the portal through which a life travels from Heaven to Earth. It is not easy, but I think that is the point. There is nothing more beautiful and sacred then sacrificing yourself for someone you love. What an honor it is to be a Mother.

I am so grateful I listened to my heart, and despite my fears, I helped create life. I am so glad we did not forget you, my little Henry!