Losing My Best Friend

I have been living without my best friend for 4 months. Since that life-changing moment on April 1st, time has become incomprehensibly quickened. A week goes by like a day. A month disappears when I blink. Time has become my mortal enemy -- it is the great obstacle between me, and Charles. His corporeal clock ran out, while mine keeps on ticking. Time keeps us separated, for now. 

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I used to think more about the future. I used to have dreams of 5 years down the road living in our dream house, or the missions we would serve together after growing old. I don't think like that anymore. I live day-to-day. I have hope for the future, even still, but it is for different reasons. My dreams have all changed. Though life continues moving forward -- no matter what I do -- I am always pondering, searching, and trying to find what my new purpose is.

Why is he gone, and why am I still here?

What is my purpose?

Before it was simple. I was happily married, with beautiful children. I was a wife, and a mother. I was living my version of "the dream." Life was never perfect, but it was oh, so, good… just what I had hoped for as a dreamy-eyed young woman.

Now, I am a widow. (I really hate that word, by the way… it makes me cringe. My kids hate the word too.) 

In the last 4 months, I have seen and done things I never would have dreamed I would do. My whole world has been changed. My vision of who I am, and what I am supposed to do, and become, has changed. I am ever searching for the reason for this tragic event in our lives.

I am not so much concerned with "why me?" What I want to know is why now? And beyond that I want to figure out what now? 

What does God want me to do now? 

Whether certain life events happen for a reason, or not, for me I want to make this tragedy mean something. Charles did not die so young for nothing -- I will not let it be for nothing! I read a quote somewhere that said, "Don't count the days, make the days count!" That is what I intend to do.

At this point, the only impression I have is to continue on doing exactly what I am doing, where I am doing it. And beyond that, I continue to have the impression to WAIT. I don't know what I am waiting for, but I have learned to listen to those impressions.

I'll let you know when I figure out what I am waiting for, and what I am supposed to do with my life!

But tonight, I wanted to write about some of my thoughts and realities of losing my best friend...

I miss him, desperately, always. I move forward in my hopeful way… but there is so much that just aches. It is true that in some ways the ache has lessened over the short time I have had to grasp my new reality -- but the ache is still there. Don't let my smile fool you.

The thing I miss the most is having a companion. Charles was my best friend. We shared everything together. He was my one true confidant, and one of the only people I would take counsel from -- because he knew me better than I knew myself. We were just little babies when we got married. (I was 19, he was 22.) We grew-up together, we shaped each other into who we have become. He influenced me for good in ways no one else has ever done -- or will likely ever do.

But now, my companion is gone. The one person who could fill my need for love and connection is no longer with me. I desperately miss having Charles with me to discuss all of the worlds troubles. I miss discussing our life philosophies, and gospel doctrine. I miss having someone to talk to in the wee hours of the night. I absolutely loved talking to Charles. He was a beautiful listener, his mind was so fascinating, and his voice was like music to my ears. He was the one person I would completely let my hair down with. (And I have a lot of hair!) He knew it all. 

Without being too specific, I miss having him around for physical reasons. Some reasons are more obvious than others, and need not be discussed. But Charles would often do lovely things like brush my hair, pluck my eyebrows, and rub coconut oil on my cracked running-heels. He had such beautiful, strong, yet gentle hands. I miss holding his hand, especially at church. I miss it all. OK, now my heart is aching. The physical stuff gets me every time.

I miss being a team. All of the choices made for our family are now made by me. Before we would discuss things in great detail before moving forward with anything -- now, it is all on my shoulders. Some women may want that kind of power, but I was very content allowing Charles to carry a large portion of the load for our family. I have had to make decisions -- large and small -- that have tested my moral fortitude. Thank goodness God is still with me, and I can always discuss my decisions with Him.

I miss having someone love me. I know that Charles is watching over me, and that his love is eternal, but I live in the physical world, and he in the spiritual world. It makes communication and connection a little tricky. Spiritual hugs are not the same as physical hugs -- for either of us. The love that we shared was so beautiful, and special…we had magic. We still have magic -- it is just different now.

Almost immediately after he died, my mind was caused to wonder if I will ever be able to allow someone else to love me, or if I will ever be able to love someone else. Yes, those thoughts entered my brain, very, very, soon after Charles left this world so abruptly. I was surprised that they came so quickly, but my brain has gone to very strange places since the day my dream-world came crashing down in front of me.

I am very aware that I am still so young, with young children, with potentially a lot of life in front of me. If I knew Jesus was coming in a few years, or even 20 years, I could likely wait it out on my own, and hold out for Charles to return to me -- no problem. But what if I live to be 90? (Both of my grandmas made it past 90.) Will I spend the next almost 60 years companionless? Will my children always be physically fatherless? These are questions I cannot answer right now, obviously, but they do swirl around in my mind. I believe in traditional family. And I do believe it is important to have a good father in the home. One of my children actually requests a new dad on a regular basis. He thinks since his daddy was awesome, that all daddies must be awesome, so he would like a new one, thank you. Kid logic.

But I am not a kid, and my mind -- especially at this point -- has a hard time wrapping around the concept of letting anyone else into our family. The way I feel right now, I cannot ever imagine being willing to embrace someone else into our lives, into our home, and into our hearts. We are crazy. We have our crazy van Ormer ways. Not to mention that I am no longer the free-from-stretchmark girl that I used to be. I have years, and years, of birthing scars that Charles helped me acquire, therefore he loved them. Can someone else really love me, and the scars I have picked up along my journey? I have a very difficult time imagining that. Sure I have a great personality, and a charming sweet spirit, but I am covered in fleshy weakness, and physical imperfections I did not have at age 19, when I fell in love with Charles, and he with me. We were supposed to grow old and stretch-marky together. That was the plan.

I just don't know if I could share my weaknesses with someone else.

I have discussed this concept with some close friends and family, and even the children. I know that my family, and others, don't want me to be alone. But at this point, life is going by so fast and furious, I can hardly imagine stopping for a moment to let love find its way in my heart that is broken.

Charles and I even discussed the concept of getting remarried if one of us died, the night before he died. He told me he would never remarry, because he would have never gotten married had he not met me. I told him I would remarry, because I would not want to be alone. But now, I am not so sure about my answer. Charles has such a powerful place in my heart, I would not know how to make room for anyone else. Like I have talked about with my family, it would have to be a situation so obvious, so clear -- that there would be no doubt it was the right thing to do.

Let's put it this way... a portal would have to open from Heaven and place someone directly in front of me -- because I will not be otherwise seeking anyone out. And since I am most often home, and I have a "No Soliciting" sign on my door, well, I think my heart is safe from being stolen by someone else, anytime soon.

Love, oh, love… what mysteries it holds! What power it has! The power that Charles' love has over me -- even after death -- is incomprehensible! I know I am so lucky (blessed) to have found that kind of love just once. Love is a force so powerful I can actually feel its force descending on me as I write about it. Its magnitude is tangibly enveloping me. Wow. Thanks, Charles, my love, my precious. I feel you close.

It is all just so strange. I can't believe I am actually writing any of this. I am still waiting to wake-up from this dream of a life. This is all just so surreal, even 4 months later. Sometimes life feels so normal, and then other times I feel like I am torn between two worlds. My heart is half here, and half there, with him. Sometimes I just go in the backyard alone, and I take time to lay on the grass and stare up at the sky. I definitely feel the closest to Charles when I am outside, when I take a moment to breathe, to ponder, and to feel the wind gently blowing on my face.

Years ago, Charles promised me that he would never let me walk this earth alone -- I have it in writing. 

He promised. 

I hold him to that promise.

Perhaps that means someone else will be provided as a companion for me to travel through life with. Perhaps not. I don't know. I can tell my heart would need some serious time, and healing first.

But I can tell you right now, this person would have to come gift-wrapped from Heaven, with a stamp that says, "Charles approved" on him. And the chances of Charles approving anyone is highly unlikely. Trust me, I know. 

And as for me, and my feelings… Who could possibly even come close to filling the hole in my heart, from losing my best friend, my most beautiful boy? My mind and heart can hardly tolerate the idea.

Oh, Charles… why now?