Exhausted

Life can be exhausting sometimes. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating a fact. I have been feeling the sensation of exhaustion lately, and, well, it is not the best feeling in the world. I know it will pass, but not any faster than my body can rest and recover -- I cannot speed up the process. I just have to do what I can to allow energy to return to me, and that can take a bit of patience. 

My parents left a few days after Henry had his surgery, and my dad's parting words were, "Make sure you take care of yourself, and don't let yourself get exhausted." I had not slept well for about a week with all of the excitement and demands of Henry's hospital stay, and recovery at home. During that time I actually felt great. I was able to sustain my energy, and tend to Henry's needs without any trouble. I felt amazing. That energy continued on until just a few days ago. 

From Henry's surgery we went straight into Sammi's performance. It took a lot of effort and energy to get her ready for her special moment. We had to find all the pieces to her costumes, and make sure she had everything in order, and get her to all the after school practices -- all of last week was devoted to her concert preparation. It was exciting, and fun, but I was running on fumes at that point, just trying to keep up with all the normal activities of life: doctor's appointments, orthodontist appointments, grocery shopping, taking care of everyone (and myself), and running a household, etc. I used to have a companion to help with all the excitement, but now it's just me. (I really can't and shouldn't complain, the kids are super helpful.) 

The day after Sammi's performance, I was spent. When I went to church on Sunday I felt like I had zero energy. I had to teach Gospel Doctrine, and I was just glad I did not fall over in the middle of the lesson. Somehow I made it through. My mind was so fuzzy while I taught, I just hope I made some sort of sense. I felt like a Zombie in a skirt. 

When I got home Sunday after church, I was finished. A heavy feeling took over me, and sent me to my bed for some much needed beauty sleep. It was a feeling that was more than tired... I was exhausted. From the events of the last few weeks, I had reached my limit, and it was time to rest. My body would allow me to go no further. I plopped into bed, and stayed there most of the evening. 

Henry did the same... he looks how I felt.  

I am still feeling extremely tired. I have been taking every opportunity to rest. I have been following Henry's lead -- if he is resting, than so do I. I know if I do not rest, then sorrow and grief come rising to the surface to haunt me, and I do not want that. 

Sure it has been almost a full year, and everyone else has moved on from the experience, but not me. It feels just like yesterday that Charles died. The emotions are just as near the surface. It is not as bad as in the very beginning, but they come and go -- sometimes with a new level of severity. I know that getting enough rest is crucial to my well-being. I was told at the very beginning to make sure and get enough sleep. Henry has been kind to me, as he seems to feel exhausted lately as well... he has allowed me some much needed down-time. I did not realize how much energy I was expending, with all of the excitement lately. 

One of the symptoms of grief and experiencing tragedy is exhaustion. I hear so many widows and widowers describe this feeling of utter fatigue. It is because the emotional toll is so pressing that it becomes physical. After so many hours of carrying the weight of sorrow, the body starts to break under the pressure. It is a challenge not to succumb to the mental anguish that is caused by intense trials -- especially death of a loved one. Death of a spouse is a particularly difficult challenge as it alters your entire world. A life without love... well, it is not so fun. I think there is a reason Jesus talked so much about taking care of the widows. He understands their need, and their sorrows. 

I know this too shall pass. I won't be so tired forever. I have still been jogging -- though super slowly -- just so I can get out and breathe fresh air. I am trying to put my life back in order to get back to normal. My normal has been greatly thrown-off, and I feel the direct effects from it. You know, routine is not such a bad thing! 

One thing that has been missing from my schedule -- because of circumstances, and the need to tend to Henry -- has been my frequent temple trips. I want to take note that I have not gone to the temple in a few weeks, and I feel awful. Is there a connection? For me: YES!!! The temple has become a source of my power, and I feel like I had better get a recharge soon, before I run out of spiritual battery. The temple is not a luxury for me, it is a MUST. 

I am looking forward to General Conference, which is coming up in a few weeks. That will also help recharge my physical/spiritual batteries. I cannot wait. I will feast on every word. It will be the perfect timing, as the 1 year mark -- April 1st -- is coming up soon. Charles died on a day that will always be followed by General Conference a few days later; a tender mercy for me. 

If you are exhausted like I am, maybe it is time to regroup, and take time to put yourself back together. If you keep going full-steam ahead without tending to your needs, you will burnout! And that is not pretty. Sometimes we neglect ourselves -- especially mothers and fathers -- and we give everything to everyone else, and forget to breathe. If you do not take care of yourself -- even first -- you will run out of oxygen, and then what good are you? 

The oxygen mask goes on you first! Don't forget it. Just imagine you are the pilot of a plane, and you insist on waiting until all the passengers have their masks secured first, before securing your own; meanwhile, the plane takes a nose-dive, because you cannot breathe, or safely land the plane. The end result? Crash and burn. You are the pilot of your family. Secure your mask. 

Take care of yourself. You are needed. You are worth it. Take time to breathe. Take time to rest. 

This is my thought for the day... 

Mosiah 4:27

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I am going slow and steady, so feel free to pass me in the race of life; I'll wave at you as you go by, I'm in no hurry to die. (Even though it would be nice to see Charles.) 

I'm exhausted, I do not have strength right now -- so it is requisite that I slow down. 

If you need me, I'll be securing my oxygen mask.