Time to Ponder

I need to be able to think. I need to take purposeful time to sit quietly, and ponder life, and my place in it. I have been feeling rather sick lately, but that has also afforded me the quiet time to be still and rest, and consider some things that have been on my mind. My personality requires this time to reflect, consider the now, and even to dream of days to come.

Yesterday, I sat on the trampoline wrapped up in a blanket with William. He loves to sit with me and be close to me, while soaking in the sun. It was a little chilly, so a blanket was required, but it was still pleasant. I brought the iPad out with me, and I decided to listen to a message about coping with the loss of a loved one on the Mormon Channel.

To hear what I listened to click: HERE. I highly recommend it to everyone, whether you have lost someone or not -- because eventually, you will. It is insightful on what is helpful to say, and not to say, and how best to offer comfort and how best to respond. There are actually 2 parts to this, but I have not yet listened to Part 2 -- I'll do that today. Just turn it on while folding laundry, or better yet, sit back and relax for awhile, while doing nothing else, and listen. I loved that it talked about how all death is different. No scenario is the same, so emotions are not the same. Even I cannot say to someone who has lost a loved one that I really understand, because I do not. Every situation is different and unique. However, there is One who understands, and that is what makes Jesus so special.

I told William what I was going to listen to and he said, "We don't need to listen to that, because we are happy." This is the second time in the last few weeks that he has acknowledged this happiness despite death. I asked him if he ever feels sad about losing dad, and he said, "No, because he is always with us." I think one of Charles' gifts he left with us is the ability to feel joy -- especially the children. We are not just surviving, we are thriving. Sure we cry sometimes (mostly just me), but that is as it should be. I am sure they will want to discuss it more as they are older -- especially Henry, who will not remember his father -- but I plan to continue infusing happiness and joy into their little minds and hearts as much as I can. In my biased motherly opinion, death has just made my children even more wonderful. Watching these children of mine carry on with joy has been something else.

Speaking of happiness... I just started writing in my "Happy Thoughts" book. I decided I want to write down the things that make me happy each day. Yesterday it was this moment with William on the trampoline. It was special. There were other happy moments. It is the little moments that count. Moments like: eating dinner as a family, watching Studio C, listening to the scriptures in the car on the way to school, singing loudly while driving, watching Sammi skip happily to the car, having Daniel roll the garage cans out to the curb, watching William get excited about doing good on his homework, and giving Henry a shower and rubbing lotion on his body. It was nice to focus on the good stuff; it made me feel happy.

I did not write down when Henry took off his diaper, pooped on the floor, and smeared it into the carpet. Or when he brought dirt in from outside and dumped it on the kitchen table. Or when he learned how to drag a chair over to the front door to unlock the deadbolt. Or when he colored on the wall with a pen. Yep, Henry is feeling all better. He is almost 3, and he is good at it. I suppose in retrospect those may not be happy thoughts, but they will be silly memories. (Cleaning up smeared poop on the carpet is the worst! NASTY!) 

I have been told I need to take time to ponder. It is not a maybe, it is a must for me. I do not just see the world as it is in front of me -- I see it in philosophical layers that I have to work through in my mind. If I take the time to consider the cosmos, and my place in it, then I can be at peace and move forward with courage; always aimlessly rushing about does nothing for me, it just drives me crazy.

In the world now everything seems so quick, and so fleeting. That word has been stuck in my head lately -- fleeting. It used to be you might get 15 minutes of fame, but now you might get 15 seconds, or less. (It depends on how fast you scroll.) News that was printed once a day, is now being updated every second. I feel like nowadays people -- myself included -- are ever searching, but never coming to a knowledge of the truth. Searching, searching, searching... what are we searching for? We are searching for peace (or maybe some are searching for attention), but peace is not found in constantly searching or scrolling; it is found in living a purposeful life, the kind of life God wants you to live.

I know how fleeting life is. There is only one breath between being alive and being dead. I have seen that breath. It is shocking to realize how fragile life is, and how precious our breaths are. Life is fleeting, but it does not have to feel that way. We can slow things down, and find more peace, and be more purposeful about what we do with ourselves. That is something I am working on.

That is why I must take the time to ponder, and be still.

You should try it. It feels great.

Take a break from the scrolling, and go strolling outside instead. :)