The Battle Within

Happiness is an elusive feeling. I do choose to chase it, and strive for it daily. But there are days where my heart feels so heavy, and even afraid. I have before me an unknown future. Of course the future is always unknown, but mine feels so intimidating sometimes, because I have to forge my path without a companion. And not just without a companion, but as a single mother to four amazing children. This is a heavy load to bear. I simply cannot do it alone. 

I know I am not really alone. But sometimes, in the darkness of the night, it is hard not to feel the intensity of my loneliness. I once had a companion to share everything with, and now I have to keep so much to myself, and that is hard. At a time when I am experiencing so much, and learning valuable lessons, I have no one to safely discuss them with. I have two-way conversations in my own head, and that can get a little weird. I have to determine my heart and which direction it will take me, but my heart is still so fragile -- it is hard to know when it is leading me in the right direction. 

My life is currently full of so much joy, and I stand continually amazed at the emotional capacity my heart is able to feel. The joy and pain are both so intense -- both are as flaming fire in my soul. I have never felt so happy in my life, and I have never felt so much sorrow. I can feel my heart stretching and growing, but it is not a painless process. It hurts. But like exercise for the body, I know this experience is making my soul stronger. I know it is good for me, but it is still hard for me. 

I have really been missing Charles lately. I came home from church early today, because Henry was not quite ready for nursery yet, after his surgery. I felt a heavy sadness today for some reason. I was in the kitchen stirring some dinner, and I just stopped and plead to my Heavenly Father. I said, "Please, Father, I just wanted Charles with me, was that too much to ask?" Tears burned my cheeks, as I felt so lonely and sad. These moments still come to me, and likely will forever. I just miss him so much. Why did he have to go? I was not done loving him in mortality. 

Sunday was always his special day to cook dinner for the family. I would stand next to him while he created some food, and we would chat about everything we learned at church. The cooking process would often involve hugs and kisses too, because we always felt especially lovey-dovey on Sundays. I severely missed those hugs and kisses today. I needed a hug from him -- a long and powerful embrace -- but he was not there. Do you know how empty it feels, to not be able to hug the one you love? It is a pain I would not wish on anyone, ever. 

I finished with the dinner, and then I gathered my scriptures and went out to the trampoline. Henry was asleep, and the other kids were still at church, so I had a moment to myself. I laid in the sun, and soaked in God's Word, and His warmth. It helped ease my mortal pain a little. This battle I fight is not easy. I am grateful for the strength of character God has blessed me with. Otherwise, this would be really hard. This mortal journey is truly a great test. 

I know I am not the only one who has sorrow and pain. We all have trials we are trying to conquer. It is hard. My only thought today is don't give up. Never give up. Just keep working through the pain. Keep going forward. 

There are brighter days ahead.