Anxiously Engaged in the Work: Healing my Anxiety by Discovering my Ancestors

As a young widow, I am no stranger to anxiety. Raising four children on my own causes a great deal of stress, along with mental and physical strain. Increased anxiety has come with the territory of widowhood, but I have always had the ability to worry and stress about things, large and small. It is a gift that I possess, really. I am very good at it. It is a skill I have practiced for many years, and I believe I am getting close to perfecting my ability to overthink and overanalyze. If you need someone to think about every little detail, of every little thing; I am your woman.

I could go back through my childhood, and try and pinpoint the reason for this gift that I have of being such an expert worrier. Perhaps I would end up when I was four years old, sitting in the back of a station wagon covered in glass, from a car accident that occurred on a school field trip. Maybe that is when my innocent and carefree world was shattered, and my ability to see the harsh realities of the world started to creep into my perception of life.

I do not know the moment that my worrying gift was opened, but from a very young age, I have always been a very careful sort of person, a deep thinker, and an introvert (who loves performing). We all are products of our nature/nurture environment to some degree or another, and in my world, some of my childhood superhero-immortality was taken from me via crushed car metal, glass, and bloodstained school friends. I was educated early on, that bad things can and do happen.

Perhaps my young mind grasped onto the concept that worrying about what could happen, might prevent bad things from happening. Of course it is not true, at all. But those childhood impression sink deep into the mind, and habits of thinking are formed. When practiced over a lifetime, those thought patterns become solidified into how I view the world around me.

I think, therefore I am. Or something like that.

It may not be practical to think that worrying can prevent bad things from happening, but it could be plausible, right?

My husband died unexpectedly. I was worried about him not feeling well, but I did not fear him dying. I did not have that on my radar of things to consider or fret about. Of all the things I had experienced in my life, death was not one of those things that had come to a close loved one without warning. I honestly had no idea, or impression beforehand, that he was going to die. Of all the worrying I had done in my life, my ability to predict and protect the future through worrying was proven completely out of my hands. I had considered "what if" for countless scenarios. But "what if" Charles died on April 1st, 2014 was not a question I thought to consider.

Maybe if I would have thought to worry about it, he would not have died?

Of course that is absurd.

My worrying does not seem to predict nor control the future, so what is it good for? What is worrying/overthinking for? Why do I do it so much?

Let me point out that there is a difference between worrying and analyzing. The difference is an important one. Here are the words defined:

The definition of worrying is: causing anxiety about actual or potential problems.

The definition of analyzing is: to examine carefully and in detail so as to identify causes, key factors, possible results, etc.

I would say worrying is bad, and analyzing is good. In fact, I'd say analyzing is legit. Or "lit" as the kids say these days. The trick is to keep the upper-hand when analyzing something, and not allowing the anxiety to creep in, causing it to turn into just another worry-fest. Somewhere in between worry and analytical thinking is where the anxiety battle lies. Is my thinking about something creating a problem that doesn't even exist? Or am I solving a problem by running it through the power of my mind. There is a difference. The difference is key.

I recently watched a video that talked about how worrying analyzing is a trait that is connected to having a creative mind. All of that creative energy needs an outlet, or something to be focused on, otherwise the mind will wander into strange places. I do not remember all the details and psychology-jargon, but I did grasp the concept. Our minds (my kind of mind in particular) is meant to be at work: thinking, learning, doing, creating. If we let our minds turn to mush by mental inactivity, then in comes the worry, stress, and other calamities that fill the void of space. (Of course you can over-tax the brain too, but that is another angle I'm not delving into right now. And there are chemical imbalances, etc. But that is another topic for another day.) The fact is, sometimes I just get mentally lazy, and the brain goes crazy.

As you know, I have been seeing a therapist. We have talked and discussed some things, and we are trying to dig out whatever it is that has been troubling me. Nothing is clear, no one thing seems to be the cause. If I think too much about what it could possibly be, I then feel like my whole life is a fraud, and I am one messed up woman.

Is it this -- question mark -- from childhood? Or that -- question mark -- from Charles' death, and post traumatic stuff? It is mind-boggling to dig for answers, it mentally hurts sometimes taking the journey back through my life, to try and unlock the mysteries of my universe. My therapist is very patient, and he is very clear that my path to healing anxiety will be different than others who have not experienced widowhood; because it is not a mental illness, but an abrupt change in my life that has no ending. I do not heal from being a widow, I always will be one. I need to learn how to really tap into Power greater than my own, to manage the journey that I am blessed to be on, and the mental battle that is the fate of being a widow; especially a widow who thinks as much as I do.

After going around in mental circles at my last session, my therapist looked me straight in the eyes, and told me his prescription for me was twofold: Study The Book of Mormon, and do my Family History. 

I stared back at him for awhile and thought, really?

I am paying you to tell me what I already know?

He left it at that, and promised that if I do those two things, and ask God for the answers I seek, I will receive the power that I need to heal and move forward. (Yes, my therapist is Mormon.) 

I returned home and mulled it all over in my mind. (Because that is what I do.) I had been reading The Book of Mormon daily, as I always do, but in all honesty, I had not been studying daily. I had not been really digging into my scriptures and allowing the power to seep in. I had been reading them on my phone, just scrolling through, barely scratching the surface.

And family history? Well, I had been avoiding it. I once loved it, and so did Charles. But I had this desire to be in the land of the living, and not the dead. I was reminded, that those who have died are not dead. They are as living as we are, if not more so! And there is great power in serving them by seeking out their names, and taking them to the temple, to have their work completed. I know that this is the work that Charles is involved with in the Spirit World. I have had dreams I cannot share here, but in them it was made clear that Charles is also anxiously engaged in the work on his end. He is ready and able to help me.

Avoidance has been my method... the work is not easy, and I have felt like being lazy was a better option. Because, you know, being lazy always results in feeling great. In my defense I was sick too, so I was sick and lazy.

Well, it got to the point, where my anxiety was pumping so fiercely, I was about willing to try anything to relieve me from such exhausting symptoms. The anxiety I have experienced in the last year was a new kind, and a new level. Though I have felt anxious before in my life, it was nothing like what I have felt more recently. I never had extreme physical symptoms before, just while doing normal things. Pre-performance anxiety is always normal for me, but controllable. I am an introvert, so some social situations can be uncomfortable and exhausting; but I had never before felt the persistent anxiety like the kind that has been my annoying companion this last year.

Along with the virus that was likely triggered by mounting stress, this last year has been pretty much a nightmare. (It all came right before running the marathon last June, which I have some theories about.) I have had panic attacks, my chest has felt crushed, I have felt dizzy and nauseous, and at times I questioned whether or not I was dying. The attacks started once a month, then became more frequent, and then to a constant feeling of being anxious. The panic attacks were made worse, by the fact that Charles had panic attacks often building in intensity, many months before he died. So when my heart would be beating out of my chest, I would think of him, and that would just supercharge it into heart-pumping overdrive mode. (Notice I said when I thought of him)

Thoughts are powerful. So very powerful. Even powerful enough to change the way you feel physically. I have seen the power of thoughts in action here lately, and it is amazing how mind over matter can be such a battle; but also so phenomenal when you can change the way your body feels with positive thinking, and allowing good thoughts to flow freely rather than the anxious, worrying, surely-I-will-die thoughts.

Anyway, my thoughts are beginning to wander, let's get back on track.

After listening to the advice from my therapist, I decided to follow-through with his prescription of Studying The Book of Mormon, and doing my Family History. I stopped reading my scriptures on my phone in bed at night, and I started reading the actual book version (as recommended by my therapist) on my couch, in the living room, in the morning, and throughout the day, and then again at night. It has made a world of difference. The scriptures are coming alive again for me. It is powerful!

I also spoke with my sister who recommended that my family and friends could fast for my healing, and there was such an outpouring of love. I am so grateful for those who participated, and I absolutely felt the weight of the added faith towards my ability to heal. I really felt the strength that came from the collective faith of others. Thank you so much for sharing your faith with me. It means so much to me.

After talking with my sister on a particularly rough day, she recommended that I really follow through with the Family History effort. My dad had just sent me a book in the mail called Covenant Keepers by Wendy Watson Nelson (President Russell M. Nelson's wife).

In the book she issues a challenge:

An Invitation to Try an Experiment 

Would you be willing to try an experiment? 

What would happen if within the next six months, you selected a 21-day period of time and then did whatever it took in order to make a sacrifice of time to the Lord by increasing the time you spend in doing family history and temple work during those 21 days? 

What blessings, miracles, and other positive changes would come to your life? 

Sacrifice does indeed bring forth the blessings of heaven, because sacrifice is a law of heaven. And when we live according to any law of heaven, heaven responds. When we make a sacrifice to the Lord, a sacrifice that means something to Him, heaven is bound to respond. 

Are you and I willing to give up something in our lives right now to the Lord, so that we can have breath-taking, ever-growing, ever-learning, even unbelievable, presently inconceivable experiences forever? 

Why would I ask any woman, especially a young mother, who feels as though she's barely surviving, to make a sacrifice of time to the Lord? 

Because when covenant women keep their covenants, they have greater access to the power of God! 

The power of God flows into them, and that power, His power, generates -- 

• a decrease in stress
• an increase in energy 
• more and clear revelation for their lives
• renewed focus
• courage to make needed changes
• an increase in patient
• and more time for what matters! 

Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught that spiritual power comes to us as we make and keep our covenants: 

"What is the source of ... spiritual power, and how do we obtain it? The source is God. Our access to that power is through our covenants with Him."

Further, Elder Christofferson was explicit in his counsel that "in times of distress, let your covenants be paramount, and let your obedience be exact." 

I have taken on this 21 Day Family History and Temple challenge. 

I am on day 11 of consistently doing family history work each day. 

I would like to note how I feel at this point... 

The tightness in my chest is fading away. My mind is starting to break through with greater clarity, with the dense mental fog being lifted. I have been inspired to make changes in my home, that have allowed me to feel the Spirit more fully. Speaking of the Spirit... I have felt it again! In all of my pent up anxiety and stress, it was very hard to feel the Spirit in such a frenzied state of mind and body. I have had the strength to get out and go for a walk every evening and breathe fresh air. I have been directed towards certain educational resources, videos, etc., that have helped me to understand more about anxiety, how it works, and I watched one on panic attacks that really helped me to understand how to handle them better, and even overcome them. I received a negative mono test, meaning I no longer have mono, and what is left is all mental and physical repair work post-virus. I have had renewed energy, not like I am suddenly Wonder Woman, but I feel markedly better. I have felt that special Family History feeling, that feels like Christmas morning. I feel a sense of great hope for my future. I have felt real joy again. I have felt light. I have felt peace. 

It has been a whole year since I have felt these beautiful things. 

I am not completely whole, yet. But I am feeling better, so much better, and I feel less of the physical symptoms of anxiety. There is a lingering dull residue (at this point I think I am completely out of shape, from lack of exercise for a year), but I now know what it is, and I hold onto hope and I have complete faith in this work that I am doing, and in the power of God to fully heal what has been broken in me. 

I believe, fully, in the power of Family History work. The reason the first few years after Charles died went fairly well for me, was because I was doing the work, and attending the temple often. I let the work slip... and there went my power with it. For me, as a widow, the power of The Book of Mormon, Family History, and the Temple, are paramount to having the faith to walk above the treacherous waves of grief and sorrow. 

You mean, I have to add more things to my plate in order to feel less anxiety and stress? 

Yes. 

When those things are the work of the Lord, then the Power that comes makes all the other life things so much more manageable. 

How? 

Well, it's a miracle, that's how. 

I had a very sacred prayer with my Heavenly Father. It was a moment when I knew He was there, listening, and ready to answer me; because I was ready to listen to the answer. I will not share all, but I will share a bit that I feel is appropriate and I found very impactful for me. 

I kneeled after my prayer, and waited for an answer, knowing I would get one this time. I just knew.

Amongst other comforting things, I was told that I am designed in a specific way for this work (Family History). My worrying analyzing abilities, and even being introverted, is how Heavenly Father created me, so that I could use my skills for this most important work. (Sometimes being analytical and introverted seem like weaknesses to me, but then again... He can make our weaknesses our strengths.) He reminded me to "Feed My Sheep" by using my hands. He also promised that I will be free from my fears and anxiety as I go about this work. 

It was just what I needed to hear. 

If I had not tried the challenge, I would not believe it. At first I thought, "How is adding more to my plate really going to make me less stressed?" But studying The Book of Mormon, and doing Family History work daily, have made me feel like me again. And, yes, my stress is less than it was. I am sitting here typing without tightness in my chest, or a cloud of fear in my head. And if anxiety starts creeping in, I remind myself that I am doing my family history work, so I have no need to worry or fear. 

"As we live up to our covenants, the angels will not be able to be restrained from being our associates." - Wendy Nelson 

I am anxiously engaged in the work, to heal my anxiety. 

And it's working!