This summer has been the summer of healing and feeling alive again. I absolutely love the freedom that we have as a family to just be. Sometimes this freedom makes me want to move out into the wilderness, and be free from the fast pace that is modern society. Of course, that is not very likely... at least not now, not yet.
Maybe one day I will jump into a new adventurous way of life. I may not seem like the crazy kind of girl that would just up and move to the boondocks, but oh, some days... I long for it. Especially if I watch a sappy Hallmark movie about living out on a farm in the country. Of course the girl in the movie had to meet a rugged and charming cowboy (which made me have some interesting dreams.) Living on a farm... that was one of our dreams. Charles and I used to dream about living the farm life together. I am not sure if I am brave enough to ever pursue that dream on my own. Only time and future events will tell.
But life is so involved, we are in too deep to change, you know? It is sometimes strange to be living one way, while still having dreams of a completely different life. It does not stem from ingratitude for what we have, it comes from wondering what a totally different way of life would be like. When it comes to change like that... especially moving change... I am all for it. But as they say, "Life is what happens, while you are busy making other plans." I am grateful for what we have now,
so grateful. I am
over-the-top grateful! But I reserve the right to whip out my cowgirl hat from time-to-time, just because. Because I have a dream.
We have been spending a lot of time outside, in the mornings. I love the morning, when there is a still a hint of coolness in the air, before the summer sky switches to the broil setting.
I got the kids to wake up at 6:30 one morning for a run. It was so beautiful during that time of day. I love mornings and evenings.
You just can't beat it!
We met a slimy friend along the way.
William didn't want to go at first, but after seeing the sunrise, he said, "We should do this everyday." We have not managed 6:30 again, yet, but we still get out in the morning hours. I think as it heats up past 100 degrees, we might have to do the really early morning runs.
The river, it almost looks normal... almost.
After our 6:30 run, I drove across town to my therapy session. I go every couple of weeks, or so... it is random. This last session we discussed some PTSD anxiety that occurs when I go to theaters or concerts. We discussed how I am always holding back this massive flood of emotions, and when I am confronted with the unknown of a production (the unknown emotional response from whatever the performance may bring), I tend to brace myself, and suck in all of my feelings so they do not come pouring forth in a dramatic and ugly way. This makes me have an anxiety attack. Holding back painful emotions, basically just makes me suffer even more. Fun times, right?
I do not have social anxiety, or anything like that. I enjoy going to the theater and concerts... it is just that something,
anything, can trigger deep emotions, and I hate crying in public. I do not mind tears, but I do not like the loss-of-control kind of crying, I have written about before. I can be triggered by a love scene, a death scene, a touching song, or just about anything that makes me feel something connected to the loss of Charles.
It can be something so small, and seemingly insignificant to everyone else. I know a lot of widow/ers suffer in such a way, and many avoid things like movies, and concerts, to protect themselves. I get it, I really do. Complete avoidance is the safer and easier plan to avoid pain. Well, this is not really possible for me -- avoidance -- because my kiddos are performers, and I really do love performances. So unless I want to avoid my own children, I have got to put on my big-girl pants, and ride into the horizon of tears, lip-quivering, and uncontrollable snot.
My therapist just encouraged me to not make a big deal of it. I should go to these things, call my feelings by name, cry if I feel like crying, or hold back tears if I do not want to cry. But he does
not want me to worry about it. And he does want me to keep going to shows. Obviously, if there is a movie that will clearly make me breakdown in public, then I have choices: I do not have to go. But my children will have concerts that will be filled with emotions, and so... I must go in, and stare my feelings in the face and feel them, no matter what comes flowing out.
The anxiety that I have felt at a recent performance was uncomfortable, but so much less than it used to be, because I know what is is, and what is happening. It is still no fun, but I can feel it starting to loosen its grip. It is all part of the process of peeling back the layers. (I am like Shrek, I have many layers that I need to work through.) At least that is what my therapist said. (He did not mention Shrek by name, just the part about me having layers.) We will keep peeling back these layers, so that I can understand myself better, and as I do... healing happens. Maybe my layers will one day be peeled back enough, that I will even allow new love in my heart, just like Shrek did. I actually identify with Shrek, a lot. That's not weird. At all.
The anxiety I have felt over the last year has gone down by abut 75% or more. I think, to some degree, I just need to remember that some anxiety is normal in "normal" life too. I have just become so aware of how I feel all the time. I have gone through a weird gauntlet of stuff, that made my feelings forefront in my mind and body. Going on this journey of self-discovery with therapy is strange, because it feels kind of selfish to talk about me and my weird feelings all the time. Me, me, me... blah, blah, blah. But it is so
not selfish when, as they say: I put my oxygen mask on first. I have had some legitimate stuff to work through (watching my husband die, and every moment after), and I am legitimately working through it!
I am feeling so much better now, and I am so grateful for that!
After my therapy session, I went to the temple for some further light and healing. I love going to the temple. I ran into a lovely lady I know, and it was so nice to see her and give her a big hug. I received more guidance while in the temple, with counsel given of peace, hope, and reassurance for a bright future, as I continue on the path of righteousness.
I left the temple feeling good, really good.
Summertime is about being messy. My children are often covered in dirt, chalk dust, or water.
It is not a good day until you have a chalk handprint on your back.
Sammi is crazy about reading. These are all the books she has read so far this summer. (The month of June.) She is ALWAYS reading when she is at home. I wish I loved reading like she does! I believe in reading, I really do. I am just not a novel-reader. I read all the time, everyday, it is just not the same kind of books. I am a gospel-study type of reader. It may seem less exciting than escaping into a novel, but not for me. I mean, the reality of the gospel is even more amazing, than any fairytale ever written! We are encouraged to seek after good books, and to educate our minds. I am so happy Sammi loves to read! (My other children love to read too, some more than others.)
These are the books on my nightstand (they are not normally out and stacked, they are in a basket.) This is pretty much the only kind of reading I do, with the exception of some blogs, and lots of articles, and educational things online. I know, I am super exciting. But really, it is exciting to me. However, even though I am not a novel-fan, I do love movies of all kinds. It is much easier for me to escape into a movie, probably because of my lack of imagination when it comes to seeing characters in my head without a visual. It is literally like I have a mental block that keeps me from enjoying the kind of books that Sammi likes to read. I am all for my kiddos going to town and devouring books, and I encourage their love of reading as much as possible. It is a gift to love reading.
Sammi built a puzzel to find just a few pieces were missing. That's always fun.
Just sitting under the twinkle lights with Henry.
Sammi was out there too, reading.
We try and take new paths when we go out running (the kids are running with me daily now).
There are lots of beautiful trails to run on around here.
I LOVE weeping willow trees.
So magical
We had a really great time out there as a family.
Daniel is the only one missing... he is at Scout camp for 6 weeks!
I enjoy running alone, but I also love running with my family. They do so well. William stays with us, and keeps up. We have to stop a little more with everyone together, but it is worth it.
Our runs are more like journeys sometimes. We will stop and find a place to play, and then keep going.
It is a great way to spend a summer morning... exploring.
One of the crazy ways Sammi reads. I do not know how she swings and reads at the same time!
Puppy love.
We are all starting to feel alive again. Hooray! I have needed the sunshine and running! We have all needed it!
We often take Zoie out, but not all the time. Sometimes it is just too hot if we do not get out in time.
She enjoys running as much as the rest of us. And we enjoy her a lot more after she is relaxed from running.
I let Henry out to run too, but only in safe places, and for short bursts, because he is still just a little too small to keep up.
I told him to smile... this is what he gave me.
Photobomb!
Sammi just needed a break. It still gets hot in the morning and we all sweat buckets.
We are attempting 21 days without complaining as a family. It takes 21 days to make a habit of something -- that was the case for my Family History challenge, too. Also, I love that the summer calendar has open days on it! This makes me so happy! The school year is always so packed, I am grateful for the flexibility. Somehow we manage to fill our days, and I feel as though this beautiful summertime is going by too fast! (That is not a complaint, it is a fact!)
Sammi went to the temple with some great friends. She was able to do the work that I have been gathering. Yes, my 21 day Family History challenge is over, but there is
no way I am stopping! I do some everyday, out of habit, and love.
They went out on the town and had some fun.
Sammi is off to a choir party, and then an overnight camp with the young women, and then another party right when she gets home. Ahhhh... teenage summer life. Good times.
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