Taking Time to Breathe and Relax

I have a great need to relax. It is a skill to fully relax, not everyone can do it. I used to be able to relax more, when Charles was around. He was a soothing kind of person. He would take my worry and fretting and help me work it out, so I would feel calm. (I would do the same for him.) And let's face it, living without physical affection is a slow form of torture. Physical touch is very helpful in the world of relaxation. I will leave out the tortuous details, to keep your mind pure.

All I am saying is if you have someone to hold, go and hold them.

While talking with my therapist, he mentioned that I am currently living without my two love languages: words of affirmation, and physical touch. So, it's no wonder my life can feel empty and highly stressful at times. I do receive words of affirmation, and I have lovely conversations with friends and family; but it is no where near the same as talking with the person I trusted with every part of myself. And physical touch, well, if only petting my dog would cut it -- but it doesn't. 

Charles used to be my therapist, and I was his. And there was no buzzer that went off at the hour mark of our conversations, saying time is up. We would have long talks everyday about pretty much everything. We would solve problems together, or we would just talk about whatever. He was such a calming influence in my life. Don't get me wrong, he was energetic and fiery; but having him around caused a peace in me that I miss. Just knowing he had my back, that he was there if things went wrong -- that was huge. The fact that we were in life together, it just made it so much sweeter and peaceful, even when there was chaos. It is so strange to handle the chaos of life without him, his love, his conversation, and physical affection.

I miss the sweet companionship we had. I hope all of this is coming off as sweet and not depressing, because that is the spirit in which I am writing it.

When Charles was home, everything was right with the world. Even if we were not always chipper-chickens (because we were certainly not), it was still better to be together. I loved it when he was home. However, I will say I did not enjoy being in the garage with him very much. Something about the garage always made him a little less pleasant to be around. But now that the garage is solely my responsibility, I find I am not very pleasant to be around in the garage either. The garage is where I practice my french lessons. Charles introduced me to the french language that is only to be spoken in the garage, and no where else.

What happens in the garage, stays in the garage.

Randomly moving on...

I remember one time in Relief Society there was this discussion, about how so many of the women cannot even sleep when their husbands are out of town at night. They cannot relax when their big strong man is gone. I used to feel that way too, back in the day. I hated it when Charles would go out of town, leaving me to face the night alone.

Well, now I sleep without my husband every night, and sleeping peacefully is a skill I have had to develop over time. I never dreamed back in the day when I was so scared to be alone at night, that one day, I would face that fear each and every night. But, believe it, or not, I often sleep really, really, well. When you do something enough, a lot of the fear goes away. I am not saying I like it. I am just saying I am often shocked by how nicely I am able to sleep. (Pillows, lots of pillows.)

So, back to what I was talking about... relaxing. I am trying to find more ways to accomplish "Zen Mode." You know, like just being totally chilled out. I mean, like allowing my mind and body to relax... completely, without distractions.

The other night, I accomplished being at total peace. It made me so happy! The night was warm and still, I lit my tiki lamps, I plugged in my outdoor lights, and I turned on the soundtrack from the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland. I sat alone (my kids were sleeping, and at last day of school parties), and I just stared into the glow of the fire, as it danced around in the darkness of the night. As I sat there, I allowed my mind to wander without worry. There was something about the fire that entranced me. My backyard was transformed by the glow of the tiki flames, and my mind transformed, too. All of these really beautiful memories began to flow into my mind: romantic moments, happy moments, peaceful moments. I could really feel the magic of the moment, there, all alone, in my backyard.

I even said out loud, "I feel peace."

With the Jungle Cruise music reel playing in the background (it is the music and dialogue played at the walkthrough part of the ride, all jazz music), my mind was almost forced into the magical world of Disneyland at night. I have so many amazing memories from Disneyland. It is such a special place for our family. Just thinking about it makes me feel excited. If I need to go to a happy place in my head, that's where I go... usually somewhere in the New Orleans Square area, where the air is thick with churros and the scent of the Pirates of the Caribbean water.

One of the memories that popped into my mind, was the first time I went with Charles. We were sitting at the waterfront in New Orleans Square, and watching the Fantasmic show. We did not even know what we were going to watch, because we were unaware of the show, we just saw everyone gathering for something. We had been eating in a nearby Mexican food restaurant, and we could hear all this noise, with cannons, fireworks, and music.

There were two shows, so we got in place with the next crowd and we got a seat right at the very edge of the water. The show began and we were just overwhelmed by the magic and wonder of it all. It was phenomenal, like nothing we had ever seen. Sammi and Daniel were there, too, but they were very small. At one point in the show, fire comes out of the water, and we could feel the heat because we were so close. We both looked at each other in complete amazement at what we were experiencing together. There was nothing I loved more than seeing the look of excitement on Charles' face. I lived for that look. For some reason, the tiki lamp fire took me back to that moment, and I felt so much joy looking back on the burning embers of beautiful memory.

The moment washed over me like it was in real-time, and I just felt so much gratitude for that and all of the really amazing moments that made up my life with Charles. We did not have a long time together, but the time that we did have was full of magic and joy, even during the really hard times. (Our first time at Disneyland was at the beginning of our crazy law school journey.)

I am trying to remember more of the good times with Charles. I want to burn into my mind the joy and the happiness we shared together. He will always be a part of me, no matter what the future holds.

Relaxing was really, really, nice. I love being outside on summer nights, in the dark, with the lights, and the fire. I should do that more often. In fact, I had a blessing given to me that repeated the need for me to relax. Heavenly Father knows I need to breathe and just be sometimes.

The definition of "Relax" is: make or become less tense or anxious.

There is something really magical about taking time to just be still, it is good for the body and soul. And I mean being still, without running the hamster wheel of worrying during that designated relaxing time. Sometimes we just have to let it go and feel the peace we all are running around trying to chase.

Stop the frenzied chase, be still.

Relax.

Just Breathe.