Our Anniversary at the Hospital

I spent my first anniversary without Charles, at the same hospital he died in. How awesome is that?

I had an appointment scheduled for Henry to meet with a nephrologist, to test and talk about his raised blood pressure related to his kidneys. The last time we went for an appointment he had really high blood pressure, so they were concerned about that, and wanted him to see a specialist. I was not concerned about it, because I could tell Henry was anxious and nervous about the machine they were trying to get the reading on, so of course his blood pressure would be high. But if a doctor tells you to go and check on something, you go, right?

We had been to the hospital just a few days before (on Tuesday) for some blood work, which Henry was a champ for. He willingly held out his arm, and only shed a few calm tears as they extracted his blood. He did amazing. I was so proud of him! But before the blood draw, I sat waiting for our turn, and there was a "Code Blue" alarm that went off, and my heart started to flutter in remembrance. I had heard that urgent alarm before. There was a Code Blue that echoed over the speakers when Charles lost his heartbeat for the second time, on April 1st. My mind was sent into a frenzy of memories. I was sitting in the same hospital, the same medical smell was in the air, and the very same room was only a few levels above me. It gave me goosebumps. The last time I saw Charles was in that hospital. We had a closed casket, and no viewings. It was in that same building that I looked upon his face for the last time, and then walked out of the room.

Unfortunately for me, I have frequented that hospital many times since that day. Because of that, I have tried to make peace with the place. Though there are some horrible memories, there are also good ones too. Henry was born in that same hospital, and I have happy memories of Charles being there with me for that occasion. He rescued me from the dark tunnel I was in while giving birth. It was in that same hospital that Charles rescued me from what felt like death. See post: HERE.

Knowing I would be entering the hospital on our anniversary, I was determined to be happy. I made a request of my Heavenly Father that Charles could be close to me on our special day. I needed him with me. I am sure Charles is busy, but every now-and-again, I do request him to be near, and Heavenly Father grants my petitions.

As we walked into the hospital, Henry walked calmly and held my hand. I felt good, even great. Henry was being so good, so very peaceful. When we got on the empty elevator, I said out loud, "OK Charles, let's do this thing." We got to our appointment and Henry was serene and quiet -- not his normal demeanor, as anyone who knows him can attest. He was being so good. He again willingly held out his arm to the nurse as she measured his blood pressure, which ended up to be normal, even great. He continued to quietly and peacefully sit on my lap. I had never, ever, seen him so peaceful -- with the exception of being asleep.

While I was waiting for the doctor to come in, I looked around the room. The picture (the one pictured above) was right across from me, and my eyes focused in on it. It was a picture of the heart and lungs and it had words like "pulmonary" on it. (Charles died of a pulmonary embolism, a blood clot in his lungs that caused his heart to stop beating.) Instead of crying at the stark and physical reminder, I smiled and said, "Really? Are you kidding me? I have to see this today?"  It was such a ridiculous connection, that all I could do was chuckle about it.

I continued to look around the room. I had decided earlier in the day that I would be looking for a rainbow throughout the day -- not one in the sky, but just one somewhere, anywhere. Rainbows are extremely meaningful and special to us. I had been keeping my eye out for one, and then as I scanned the room I noticed a chart hidden behind some medical instruments. It was a rainbow chart. It was a chart to indicate where your pain level was at. I started laughing hysterically in my mind. I wanted to take a picture, but I would have had to disrupt Henry's peace. Calmness was the goal for a good blood pressure reading. I found my rainbow though. And it was perfect. Charles is a comedian after all.

When the doctor came in, I was instantly not impressed with him. Henry was as calm as if he were sleeping, but when the doctor walked in, his mere physical presence made Henry begin to move and shift around. The doctor was even texting someone else while he was talking to me -- so not impressed, so not professional. Luckily, Henry's blood pressure reading he took was good enough, so I will not have to be interacting with this particular doctor again -- I would definitely find someone else. This guy made me nervous. And his breath smelled like stale coffee. Ick.

When all was said and done, Henry was fine. His blood pressure was great. And I was slightly frustrated that I was sent to a whole other doctor -- and charged money -- just to get a decent blood pressure reading. Aargh.

Here is Henry before the doctor came in. You can see how calm he looks.

We left the hospital, and I was happy to go home. We had only been home from our trip for 4 days and each day had been full to the brim of things to catch-up on, including massive piles of mail and things to take care of.

I also went for an afternoon run. It was a beautiful day -- 56 degrees! I chatted with my sister while I ran, and I just enjoyed the fresh air, and warmth.  Sometimes I can start to feel anxiety in my soul, and running helps me to go and blow it all out. The deeper I breathe, the better I feel. Running is so rejuvenating for me, body and soul. 

I decided that it would be a good day to do our Christmas tree. We had already decorated the rest of the house the day after we got back, but we still needed our tree. Each year we normally go to a tree lot and get a real tree, but this year I wanted to try something different. Each year we also get sick at Christmas, and I am starting to wonder if there is a connection to having that live (dying) tree in the house. So this year, I decided to pull out our 9ft tree we had from when we lived in a big house for a year. I knew it would not fit with our 8ft ceiling, but I also thought I could be creative and make it fit... somehow. The idea would not leave my mind, so I went for it and hauled the big tree box in the house.  

My idea worked! We put it together, but we just left the very top piece off, and stuck some christmas flowers and decorations out from the top, to make it look complete. I think it turned out beautifully. I love it. Our house looks like a Christmas cottage. 

I will take some better pictures later... this is just from my iPhone.

We decorated the tree, made Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and watched a Christmas movie.

Then the kids had to work on loads of homework. They are all trying to catch up from missing a full week of school. Luckily one of the two weeks we were gone was Thanksgiving break. Don't get me started on how much I do not love homework.

My first anniversary without Charles was awesome. It was a great day. I didn't miss him, because he was with me. My loving Heavenly Father granted my request. It was not the same, and I certainly missed being able to hug and smooch him -- but spiritual hugs are amazing too.

I was certainly not alone.

I am so lucky to have such a beautiful family that God has given me.

Though Charles' journal was the best anniversary gift ever -- these precious children he helped bring into the world are my most valued treasures of all. (Henry was sleeping for the picture.)

I am truly blessed.