Walking on Eggshells
Read it, and let it sink in really deep...
"When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.
In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation."
- Elder Bednar
I want you to know that I am not easily offended. And, according to Elder Bednar, if I am offended, it is my choice to feel that way. Sure people can say some strange and thoughtless things to me about who-knows-what, but it is my choice how I respond. It is my choice to let words and actions bounce off my emotional forcefield, or penetrate and poison my internal core. My heart is so full of other emotions right now, there is hardly room for something as silly as being offended.
Please never feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me -- especially now. It would drive me crazy if people felt like they had to tread carefully around me. I am still the same person I always have been, and just as eager to talk about whatever. I know I mentioned some things you should not say to a widow in this post HERE, but even though some of those things may have been said to me, I am certainly not upset about it! I would have likely said the same things just 6 months ago! My intent was simply to help inform from things I have learned, experienced, and felt, and I wanted to answer a question given to me by a friend.
Even though I have some crazy, thick, skin, others who are suffering may be a little more fragile, and need more careful comfort. I personally stink at offering comfort. And I am as oblivious as the next person when it comes to saying or doing the right things to help. I should probably make a greater study of comforting others, so I can improve at it. Charles was naturally good at comforting, I am not. I have much to learn.
I love people, and I am happy to talk about pretty much anything, as my close friends and family -- and even my blog readers -- know. I never want anyone to feel like they are being careful while talking to me, as to not offend, or say the wrong things. I am not that sensitive. However, everyone is very different in this regard, and some need a much more gentle approach. As for me, I am open to deep discussions, and I love to give unwanted advice about lots of things.
I don't know why this thought about not being offended popped in my mind today? It just did, and I felt I should write about it. I am actually feeling super happy today, for some reason. I do know that something as simple as feeling offended can keep people from each other, and even from church, and that is a sad thing. Those bad feelings about others don't come from Heavenly Father. We certainly don't have to be best friends with everyone, but we should love everyone. Right? I know -- I really, really, know -- it is easier said than done! But I am pretty sure there is a commandment about loving others somewhere... like at the top of The List.
I think we could probably all be a little more awesome at not being offended, don't you? Sure you won't agree with what everyone says and does, but remember... YOU have the power to choose your response, and you even have the power to control that festering fire of offense in your soul. Don't let it poison you. It hurts, bad.
Life is too short to hold a grudge, or to keep you from loving others, or from going to church. You might say, "Well, one day I will fix this feeling in my heart." But that one day may never come, and it will be too late to fix it. I have seen some astonishing things that go along with death and regret...
Don't wait. Forgive. Let it go. Have peace.
So, I have two questions for you... and I KNOW you are reading this! :-)
1. What has been the most comforting thing someone has done (or said) in your time of need?
2. How do YOU avoid feeling offended by others?
I know these are hard questions, but I really am curious...
Having children with disabilities, I get comments that are very hurtful a lot. Sometimes from very well meaning people, who just don't know what to say and also from people who don't realize my children have disabilities and just tell me my parenting is terrible. Prayer is how I get through. Praying to my Father in Heaven for my own heart and for others is my only survival!
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, people are very well meaning, but sometimes it doesn't come off that way. You are 100% correct about prayer! It is amazing how much strength Heavenly Father can give you! Thank you so much for sharing! :-)
Delete1. i like it when people just listen rather than try to solve my problems for me...most of the time i just want to vent and a listening ear does the trick!
ReplyDelete2. there was a quote my sister gave me about charity (can't remember who said it off the top of my head), but somewhere in the quote it talks about how sometimes charity can be just giving others the benefit of the doubt. applying this in my life-- giving others the benefit of the doubt when they may say or do something hurtful and choosing to believe that they probably didn't mean for it to come out that way-- has been beneficial. sure i may still get a little irritated at first, but i can always come back to this and come to my senses...after all, heaven knows i sure do hope and pray OFTEN that others will give me this same benefit!!
1. You don't love my unwanted advice? :-)
Delete2. I think you are right about giving people the benefit of the doubt!
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."
Delete-Marvin J. Ashton
Love that one.
Amen! Though easier said than done for me! I am working on it. :-)
Delete1. It helps me to have people listen. Sometimes I just need a listening ear. I have many fond memories of you and Rachelle just listening in my time of need. I don't think either of you know how much I still long for that some days.
ReplyDelete2. I have to work really hard at this sometimes. Thank you for your insight on this. I think the biggest thing that helps me is having the thought that everyone is a child of God. Also try to put a positive on what someone says that might hurt.
1. Those were the good old days! Can you believe it has been 7 years! Crazy!
Delete2. I have to repeat that to myself many times a day, "Everyone is a child of God, and He loves everyone as much as He loves me!" ;-)
1. They promised me "This too shall pass...." and it eventually did! I held on to that promise every day.
ReplyDelete2. I've learned it is usually about them and NOT me...the need to say mean things and bring others down is an indication of insecurity on some level. We never know what people have been through or what they are struggling with...I try to have charity towards them...for the most part, I think people have good intentions, it just rubs wrong sometimes depending on where we're at in life, too. :) AND...I've also learned to "Give it to God"....I literally say to Heavenly Father "Did you just hear or see that"....I'm giving that one to you :) I agree that life is too short to be so easily offended...get over it and get on with life!
1. It will pass... if not in this life, in the next! :-)
Delete2. I think purposely offending others is all about insecurities, and I try to keep that in mind. I do think most hurtful things are not meant to purposefully offend, more likely just good intentions not received well. Giving it to God is definitely good advice!
This is a great post, and I agree with everyone's responses. My answers would be similar--to assume that people generally don't try to be hurtful, they just don't know how to say what they mean. I stick my foot in my mouth all the time, and am grateful when people give me the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteI think I was born with my foot in my mouth. ;-)
DeleteI really stink at comforting people. Even after being through two pregnancy losses, I still fumble when friends go though the same thing. The most comforting things people have done for me have been spending time with me (my dad made a special trip to Idaho asap when my daughter was stillborn, friends came over to chat/hang out instead of just dropping a meal off and leaving), treating me the same as always (not avoiding me and also not acting like I will never be OK), talking to me about the babies I lost (what are their names, how far along, what went wrong, etc.).
ReplyDeleteI am not easily offended but if I am hurt by a comment, I try to assume that the person has good intentions. They usually do. I also try to remember that different things comfort different people, so maybe the comment that someone made to me has comforted or would comfort them or someone else but not so much me. How are they really supposed to know which comments would help or which would offend? So I just assume good intent.
Wow, thank you for sharing. You never know what people are going through or have gone through! Everyone has burdens that they are bearing. I think you are so right about assuming good intentions. It is so stinking hard to know what to say! But any effort to reach out in love is better than nothing, right? I hope right! :-)
DeleteWhen I was experiencing some of my darkest days (when I was so physically ill about 10 years ago,) I remember asking my husband one day: "Do you think I'm depressed?" you see, I am typically a pretty positive, keep on the sunny side of life type of gal….I was very concerned about the way I had been feeling this one particular day. There was no sunshine in my soul. In fact, dark clouds of trouble were hanging over me, threatening my peace to destroy…then came my husband's most comforting answer: "You are not a depressed person, you are going through a depressing time." I remember how grateful I was for his comforting counsel. His words allowed hope to smile brightly before me and I KNEW that deliverance was nigh.
ReplyDeleteAnswering question #2:
Well, there was another trying time in my life (for 16 years) when no children had been born into our family. So, how would I avoid being offended by hurtful comments that were made? Well, I will tell you after I tell you what some of those comments were: Here are 2 examples I remember well…One newly married lady said: "You should have kids by now, what's taking you so long?" While at a church canning activity, a brother was talking to another brother (knowing I was within earshot,) and said, "hey, have you ever heard of DINKS? Well, it stands for 'Double Income No Kids.' " That hurt! Yes, both Ray and I were working, but what was I to do while my nest was empty…avoid children altogether? Or go be an elementary PE teacher and have fun with children and make them smile and feel loved? Hmmm…that's a no brainer. Anyway, there were other comments which I really think I've chosen to forget.
But when those hurtful comments were made, I would come home crying. It was like pouring more salt into an open wound. The good news is after a good cry, I could move on because of this and it will sound familiar….I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him. I know who I am and whose I am. There is no doubt about that. I know my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He wouldn't want me to hurt from the words of others. So, I would turn to Him and pray and then pray some more and I would be ok. Thank goodness for the great love our Heavenly Father has for each one of us. I choose not to be offended. It's a happier way to live.
Love,
Kary
Thanks for sharing, Kary. We just don't know the pain and suffering that people go through. The comments people said to you do not seem wrapped in good intentions. They seemed very insensitive! Goodness gracious we just all need to be more kind! I am glad you let them go, and continued forward in hope for a better day. Sticks and stones and words HURT! Sorry you had to go through that! Love you sister!
DeleteP.S. I look forward to your Ensign article... or story... or whatever you decide to write. ;-)
DeleteOnce I was going through a minor trial and my aunt told me that every trial I go through helps me build up empathy and be ready to comfort those who go through similar trials in the future. That helped me picture my heart becoming bigger and softer instead of focusing on my stress. It also reminded me that my trial would pass.
ReplyDelete