An Autumn Walk and Deep Thoughts

I took the boys out for a walk. I know that these beautiful evenings are limited before it freezes, so I just want to soak them all in! Dan and Will came and brought along their fishing poles, while I snapped some pictures. Sammi stayed home with Henry. He managed to climb up on the counter and grab handfuls of brownies, from the middle of the freshly made pan. (He is two, and he is good at it.) He keeps us all on our toes at all times. He has more life and spunk in him than his little body can contain. Whew! 

Life has taken on a busier pace with many activities and things to do. With 4 children that just kind of happens. Our children are spaced out in a weird way, so they are all going different directions. I had to laugh tonight when Daniel was playing his extremely loud baritone in the garage, Sammi was playing and singing her choir music, William was practicing spelling words with me, and Henry was coloring the hallway floor with blue marker. I actually giggled out loud and asked myself, "How did I get here?" I am a single mother of 4! My heart fluttered, but then I realized that somehow, someway -- I am up for the task. The words from a blessing I received when I was younger rang in my ears. I was blessed to, "have peace of mind, freedom from fear and worry, and the ability to carry heavy workloads." 

May God continue to grant me these blessings!

Speaking of fear and worry... I have so much on my mind lately. It just swirls with thoughts and feelings all the time, but that is nothing new. Now I just have something that more or less consumes my thoughts, and I cannot help turning my deep thoughts to the things of Heaven, and Heavenly Father's plan -- particularly His plan for me. (Because I am me, I think about me a lot.) 

Right now, the future seems so strange. I have no idea what is in store for me, and my family. I have no way of knowing. I guess none of us ever really knows what lies ahead. But my vision of the potential future has had to change so much. Everything is different in my world -- especially in my brain.

I often wonder two things:

1. When will Jesus come back and make everything better?
2. If He is going to be awhile, should I ever consider getting married again?

Sure, I know I have no control over either of these things. I suppose I have more control over the  second item than the first, but still... it seems so very far out of my hands. Everything seems out of my hands right now. If I knew Jesus was coming in the near future, you know, like a couple of years -- I wouldn't even think twice about finding another companion. But it could be 30 years... or 50... or who knows? That is a very long time to be alone, especially once my children are grown and gone. I cannot help but think about these things. I don't worry about them, but I do think about them, and wonder what is in store. It is impossible not to wonder! Let's just say that if there is a someone out there for me, it will have to be a someone so clear and obvious that the children will be the ones to know it is the right thing to do. As for me, I am still hoping that Jesus comes sooner than later. That way both question 1 & 2 will be answered.

I must say, with the way the world is going right now, those "signs of the times" are looking very much like scriptural prophecies. With my calling as a Gospel Doctrine teacher I have had to study the topic of the Second Coming of Jesus quite often. My next lesson is on that very thing, so my brain is freshly pondering the signs and events before His coming. (I am always thinking about it though, not in a weird way -- in a good and hopeful way!) Perhaps you have noticed the news is getting crazy? Like crazier than normal, maybe? The whole world seems to be in commotion. Men's hearts are failing them, that is for sure! I could write out the list of events of the last days, or you could just go and look at the news feed of the day. Crazy stuff is brewing... having your house and spiritual matters in order is a good thing. If you are prepared, you need not fear!

These last days are going to take some major courage. A personal relationship with the Savior is crucial to courage. I have been working on strengthening my relationship with Him lately. I have a desire to really draw closer to Him. My heart can grow weary and weak, and I need Him to carry me through. Losing the love of my life is no easy thing!

I know I have needed some serious courage lately. It is hard not to feel half crazy now. Life is so strange. The more time I have been parted from Charles, the more it feels normal, but also surreal. He was my whole world, and he is missing now. His body is in Idaho City, but his spirit is... well... somewhere on the Earth, living it up in the spirit world that I cannot see, but I can feel. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, perhaps you are familiar with this difficult surreal separation? I have had my faith tested in a new way -- a way I never could have imagined. It is not a test of faith in my Heavenly Father, or Jesus, or the gospel -- but it is a test of not seeing, and still believing. I have not seen Charles since he died, but I know he lives. I know it. If I saw him, it would not make me know more than I know now. I don't need to see him to know he is there... but if he ever feels like visually popping in to say, "Hello," I wouldn't mind. I miss his beautiful face. Thank goodness for lots of pictures, and video!

Faith is a powerful thing. Mine has been unexpectedly heaved into a new level. I have been exercising my faith, and it is getting even stronger.

So, now I am a mother and not a wife. I love being the mother to our children, but I miss being a wife, particularly his wife. I loved being married and having Charles as a companion to share all my joys and fears, laughter and tears with. It is hard not having a companion. There are a few things I miss more than anything... there are physical things, and also just being able to talk with him about everything. I miss just having him around. I miss being his wife, and I miss having a husband. I hate going to the doctor and having to explain why I am the only emergency contact number for my children. Being a single mother stinks. I mean, I can do it -- but it is lame. Marriage is a beautifully sacred and divine institution. I miss it.

I am, however, grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to be alone and be whole. (I am not an overly social person.) I used to consider it a flaw in my personality, but now I consider it a blessing! I am grateful that I have things I love to do, and talents that I can improve and work on. It made Charles happy that I had many things I loved doing for fun and personal enjoyment. (Like running, singing, photography, etc.) I am so glad I have those things now -- it keeps me alive. Hobbies and talents are important. They give life sparkle and joy! People are good too -- I love people. But I can be by myself, and be OK. I have always been that way. Probably because I am always having a two-way conversation with myself, in my mind. "Gollum, gollum!" 

Well, I am babbling. This whole post was one long deep breath. Shoosh, I feel a little better now. This was not what I was planning on writing about at all. But that is the great thing about writing... it can be about whatever you want! I guess this is what I wanted it to be today? Yep. Guess so.

Anyway... walking around in the beautiful, fresh, Autumn air was wonderful. Being surrounded by magical color and light makes me feel very close to my Heavenly Father. And I need that now more than ever. He is my anchor in the storm. And I sense a storm is brewing... I can't put my finger on it... but something is coming.

Courage my friends. Have courage.

No matter what happens... look for the light, and you will find it.

He is always there.

Always. 


Enjoy the pictures. My favorite are the boys in the light of the sun... look to the light!