Closeness

Today is our Engagement Anniversary.  15 years ago, Charles asked me to marry him on top of a mountain in Denali, Alaska. I am so happy that I said, "Yes!"

On meaningful days, like today, I am caused to pause, feel, and think about Charles. There are many days now that I can go about my business, while keeping thoughts of Charles in my back pocket. But on a day like today, Charles is on the forefront of my mind, and on the surface of my heart. It is not a bad thing, it is a good thing.

I am not afraid to feel deeply. It actually makes me feel alive.

Being alive is good.

As days have gone on, and time has moved forward, my feelings have gone from a constant severe and intense pain, to a dull aching. 5 months ago, when it first happened, I would drive around in the car crying all the time, at every song. Now, I cry sometimes, during really meaningful songs. I still miss him more now than ever, but I also have come to realize -- life must go on. And that means me, too!

The strange thing is, the further I get from the pain of losing him, the closer I feel to Charles.

I feel him in my life more powerfully now, than I did right after he died. Before his presence was accompanied by extreme pain and agony, over the separation. Now, his presence in my life causes me to feel great joy, and a sense of peace, and the desire to move forward, appreciating each day I am granted on earth. I honestly think that when you die, you likely experience grieving too. I am sure Charles was just as shocked, and even saddened, by the physical separation. He obviously has the advantage of more knowledge, light, and information -- and I don't know how things work there -- but I do think he was allowed a bit of mourning "time" too. Perhaps that is why the feelings -- both ways -- were so intense and painful. But now, it feels like it is time for us both to get to work! We can keep crying, as long as we keep pulling our handcarts while we cry.

Sometimes, I want to put everything behind me, and move completely forward, without looking back. All the grief, pain, sorrow, scary events, decisions, and feelings… I want to leave them where they belong, in the past, and move forward. Dwelling on the dark moments and events will not help me to live my life now to the fullest. And it will not help me move forward into a bright future, either. Really bad things have happened to me, and it is refining me, but I do not have to let the things of the past define each day of my future. The future is in front of me… I need to look out the windshield, not drive forward looking in the rearview mirror. If I do that, I will crash.

I don't want to leave Charles behind me, no, actually he is always in front of me -- he is now the goal. He (and Jesus, of course!) are what I am working towards. I live for that day when I can be with him again! I can feel him encouraging me forward. That last thing he wants is to see me break and fall, and live in the past. He wants me to live now and be happy!

On days like today, however, some things are a little harder -- because I am human, and things still hurt. Obviously, the most challenging thing when someone dies is the physical separation, and missing the physical closeness. Charles and I were very hug/smoochy, close people. We managed to go our first three months of dating without kissing, because we wanted to establish a friendship before physical stuff -- but after that, once we started smooching, we never stopped!

I miss the kisses.

We actually never did anything big on our anniversaries, and rarely got each other gifts. For most of our marriage we were in school and living in poverty. Another portion of our marriage we were just starting out in the workforce and barely making it. And we only spent the last few years enjoying some of the fruits of our labors. Gifts, fancy dates, and flowers were a rare thing around our place. But what we would always do, is be together. We would always spend our anniversaries and other important days together, likely with a movie, snuggling on the couch. (I know, so romantic, and exciting!) But we just liked being close. Being close is cheap!

Charles and I had, and still have, a special closeness. Our closeness and love was sealed with God's approval, in His temple. There is something really powerful about being sealed to someone -- to be bound to each other forever. That power is just now starting to become more clear to me.

Charles and I now have a spiritual closeness, but I really do miss his physical presence. He was so beautiful to look at, and comforting to touch. I could go on, but I don't want to gross you out. I just miss having him around, and really just everything about him. He was so much a part of me.

I thought we would have more than 15 years together on earth. I was really looking forward to seeing Charles grow old, and be a grandpa. I imagine he would have been really attractive with white in his hair, and beard. Instead, I will be growing old and wrinkly, and he will never experience old age. It will be weird when I am old, dreaming of a 37 year old man. :-)

I miss your hugs, Charles. I miss your kisses. I miss the way you would look into my eyes…

So, tonight you will not find me watching a movie, curled-up on the couch with Charles, like we would normally do, on a day like today.

Tonight... I run.

Running is my new found way of  closeness with Charles… it is not quite as good as snuggling and smooching. But for now, it's all I got!

15 years with you was not enough, Charles… I am so grateful we have forever.

I hope you are ready to be attacked with smooches!