How to be a Leader

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the equality of his actions and the integrity of his intent." —Douglas MacArthur

A few years ago, I sat across the table from the teachers of my children. It was parent-teacher conference time. I sat attentively and listened as the teachers said lovely things about their study habits, and how kind and helpful Sammi and Daniel are at school. I nodded and smiled, with a well-pleased twinkle in my Mother-eye. For some strange reason my children love school, and so they do well at it. (I was not so fond of school, so it is surprising to me how much they love it.) 

After the good reports, and some friendly chitchat, each teacher looked me in the eye, and said they would like to see my children be more deliberate leaders. I was told (in separate individual conferences) that Sammi and Daniel had what it took to be leaders, and we were encouraged to be more purposeful about helping in our children's leadership roles. I was surprised by this request. I don't know if this was some new teaching-trend of leader-producing? Maybe they said the same thing to all the parents of students, it is very likely. But I was left wondering how I was supposed to help my children assume their teacher-requested leadership roles. How could I help them become better leaders at school?

My first question was: What does it mean to be a leader?

My son's teacher was already using him as a student tudor to help others with their work. She would send him around the room and have him help and encourage others. She would often give him extra responsibilities. He is not quiet or shy, he is very mature for his age, and he can find the shenanigans in the classroom very irritating. (Or so he tells me.) If you want to meet confidence, meet Daniel. His response to me asking him if he likes himself was, "What's not to like?" (We are still working on humility…) He is not forceful when he is in a group, but he is certainly not quiet, either.

My daughter was doing the same kinds of things in her classroom, she was always helpful, and would often stay after school, or at lunch, to help the teacher in the classroom. She was/is a focused student, always working hard, and completing her homework, and receiving good grades. She does not like all the girl-drama (or boy/girl drama) at school, and does not like to hang out with groups of people that do not-so-good things. She is kind of like Hermione in Harry Potter -- she loves school and will raise her hand often to answer questions. (She did not get that from me!) She is not loud, or dominate, but she participates with enthusiasm. A few years ago she ran for a mock president election, giving a speech, and she won. She is no wallflower hiding in the corner.

They both do wonderful at school. They are both kind to others. They are both great students. They are both happy. As their mother I am very pleased with their hard work and efforts at school. I could not be more pleased, really.

So why the push for leadership?

I am still not quite sure what the teachers wanted from my children. Did they want them to stand up and say, "Hey class, I want you to know I am a leader now, so follow me!" (That would be weird!) Maybe the kids were not forceful enough? Or not taking charge of groups enough? I know they would raise their hands and answer questions, and be involved in class, and work well in groups. Maybe they needed to be more assertive? Did the teachers just want help keeping the class under control? I don't know. It was not made very clear. Being a leader can mean different things to different people. Both teachers just said they wanted them to focus on being leaders, without specific instructions, or advice.

For me, I have always thought that a great leader is someone who leads by example. Some may lead with kindness, through service, with love, hard work, with strength -- great leadership has many forms and faces. There is no "one size fits all" in how to be a good leader. The most arrogant, loud, overbearing, person does not necessarily make the best leader. I have seen both forceful and gentle leaders, and I know who I prefer to listen to and follow.

I absolutely think we should try and raise leaders rather than followers, since those who follow can find themselves in places that they don't want to go. But not everyone wants to be the one in charge of calling the shots for a group -- even if they are cut out for the job. (Think Aragron in The Lord of the Rings.) There may come a time when leadership is thrust upon the children whether they want it, or not. But for me right now, as their mother, I am far more concerned about them being strong, and brave, and true to themselves and their values. I want them to know who they are, and to have confidence, and love for themselves, and for God. If they can just know who they are, then that leadership thing will all workout. If they spend their lives leading by quiet example, in gentle leadership, rather than being overt and acting in arrogance -- to me, that is better, indeed.

And that is what I have been teaching them. That is how I am helping them to become leaders rather than followers. Somewhere between the balance of humility and confidence is the secret to being a good leader. You lead by example. (At least that is what I think!)

What do you think? What does being a leader mean to you? Have you had any personal experiences where you have learned how to be a good leader? Or have you learned from someone who was a good example of a leader at work/church/home, etc.?

P.S. I am a teacher, not a leader. I can teach leaders, but don't ask me to lead teachers. ;-)