A Vast Ocean of Choices

I have many choices to make. Sometimes my choices are small, and sometimes they are not so small. Some choices will have minimal impact on my life, and other choices are much more vast in scope and consequences; for good or bad. Right now I have some choices to make -- my hand has been forced -- and I must make a decision.

The other night I had a friend help me turn on my swamp cooler in preparation for the summer heat. As we turned on the water, we quickly discovered there was a problem as water began pouring in through the vent above my microwave, then the water started leaking out in the hallway, and my kitchen ceiling is also moist to the touch. Watching water pouring from the microwave was a very unnerving sight. After a little investigating, a leak was discovered in a pipe leading to the swamp cooler. It would seem that the swamp cooler's days are numbered; I cannot use it, and I am thinking I might lose it.

Meanwhile, the summer heat is upon us.

As I have considered what my options are, my mind leads itself along to try and solve all the problems that exists with my home. I am fairly certain I would like to replace the swamp cooler with an AC unit. This would seem a straightforward fix. You know, just make it happen, and move forward from there. But then if I get an AC unit, I might as well get a combo cooling and heating unit. But if I do that, I will need to remove the swamp cooler and repair the roof which will leave a hole that needs to be filled. And if I repair the roof, I might as well replace it since it needs replacing from some other water damage from the gutters.  While I am replacing the roof, then I might as well use bonus room trusses and add more space to my home so we don't ever have to move.... You get the idea, the list goes on and on, and it leaves my mind spinning with endless and overwhelming options and possibilities.

All was well until water started gushing in my house, literally forcing my hand at making new and unexpected choices. Of course I do not have to remodel my whole house and change everything, but I must make a choice, at least one.

The swamp cooler is simply finished, and so I need to do something. None of my options are cheap, so I need to be careful and wise as I proceed.

I have been spending my morning today in prayer and scripture study, trying to have clarity of thought. These are choices I get to make on my own, without consulting my trusted companion. It is a blessing to have someone to run the gauntlet of ideas with you. Sometimes I feel a bit too much like Gollum, as I talk to myself to sort out important issues. Of course I do my best to work it out with Heavenly Father, but I still have to be the one to take action and make things happen.

The final choice is mine.

As I read through the scriptures and prayed, my mind was continuously racing, it would not stop. I took a little break and I walked into my room, where I was prompted to pick up one of Charles' journals; something I have not done for awhile, because I am trying to keep him at a distance to be able to function properly. Hesitantly, I reached for his journal. I was not sure why, or what emotions I would have to endure and sift through, I just knew I was supposed to pick it up. I decided to read through his final journal, his most intensely emotional one for me. I was nervous as I flipped through the pages, unsure of what feelings I would be unleashing.

I thumbed through a few pages, and then there it was; exactly what I needed. It was the answer to my prayer and searching...

Charles' Journal Entry
 March 2012: 

I have humbled myself in prayer here lately. I believe I am beginning to understand what it means to be "humbled in prayer." It is very humbling to rely on the Lord for answers, to purge your life of other influences so as to make it easier to hear and understand the voice of the Spirit. It is humbling to let go of your notions of what you want and wait for an answer. It is humbling to get an answer that is purely a feeling of peace and calm and trust that is your direction from the Lord. 

I am grateful for this process. I trust that through this process I will be purified. I have made many decisions in the past that I did not seek direction for as diligently as I ought to have. Whether right or wrong, I will always wonder if those decisions were what the Lord would have had me make. 

He then went on to describe some personal and business choices and continued on...

With regard to one particular direction I never had a strong prompting to proceed. So, I started praying on the other option. It made more sense. The ideas began to flow more easily and other pieces of the plan began to fall into place for me. 

Saturday morning I woke up feeling the Spirit. It was a welcome and wonderful feeling for me. I immediately went to the living room to pray in private. I found Daniel sleeping on the couch as I knelt to pray. In my prayer I prayed over the new direction I intended to go. The burning in my bosom continued through my entire prayer, which lasted about 45 minutes. It was wonderful and it came at the right time. After speaking to Mari about it, I left to spend the morning in the temple. 

I am grateful the Lord knows who I am and cares enough to answer my prayers. 

-Charles

Tears, lots of tears. It was spot on. It was my answer.

I am also grateful the Lord answers my prayers. It was such a sweet and overwhelming moment as I read through his profound wisdom, and I began to cry uncontrollably. Charles spoke to me peace and comfort through his own words, in his own handwriting. His hand once touched the page, and pressed the ink against it, while expressing deep feelings. He spoke directly to me today. He gave me wise counsel regarding how to proceed with my current troubles and decisions. I was not without a companion today. He was here with me, guiding my thoughts as he always has. It was an intensely sweet moment. I have not cried like that for a long while. They were not sad tears, they were tears of pure knowledge. I know Charles lives still. He does. I promise. 

I am not sure exactly what to do yet, but I know what I need to do to seek out the right answers. Charles was so good to remind me. I need to clear out my own thoughts, and allow God to really speak to me.

There are always decisions to be made. The big ones stand out, as they can be more costly and with larger ramifications; temporally and spiritually. I pray that God will lead me through some of these decisions that may seem small, but are not so small, because there are other details that could potentially alter the future too, like whether I stay, or move. (Long story.) I need to open my heart to be receptive to His answers, and not just my own fast and frenzied ideas. There are solutions to every problem. I just need to stay calm, take a step back, breathe deeply, ponder what my options are, and then listen to what God would have me do. I find sometimes His answers have nothing to do with the question. That's when things get really interesting.

If I listen to the Voice of the Lord, then things will likely work out more beautifully than I can even imagine. If I listen to my frenzied thoughts, then who knows where I could steer our future? God does not work in a state of frenzy. He works in an orderly, peaceful, calm, and reasonable way. When the ocean was raging, and his friends were afraid of perishing in the violent waters, Jesus simply said, "Peace, be still."

After rebuking the wind and sea, there was a great calm.

And Jesus said: "Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"

Peace, Mari.

Be still.