Babbling Thoughts

I feel like writing, but I am not sure what I am going to say? I guess we will just see what is on my mind, as it comes spilling out in the following thoughts...

I have been feeling weird lately. I don't feel sick or anything, actually I am starting to feel pretty awesome. I have been running 6 days a week, and doing strength-training as well. I have changed the way I eat so that it is more clean and healthy. I am doing my best to get myself in good working order, so that I can have clarity of thought, mind, and body. It is quite the process, and even a battle, but it is worth the effort. I want to feel great, not gross. It is all about choices; choices that are not always easy to make.

The weird feelings have not been to do with my body, it has been more to do with my heart.

After the year mark since Charles died, there was a kind of shift that occurred. I had survived a year, and it felt like quite the accomplishment to still be standing. But with the turning of the year, I also have felt more alone than ever before. Do not get me wrong, I am often surrounded by glorious people, but it is not that kind of alone. It is an alone that no other friends, or family, can compensate for. It is an alone that dwells deep down in my heart. There is a void that lingers, and I do not enjoy it.

I thrive on having that one close personal relationship; the kind you can only have in marriage. I lived almost 15 years as a wife to an amazing man, and then suddenly he is gone from me, and I feel an emptiness from it. Sure I am a tough girl, and I can be as independent as the next woman, but I adored being married; I loved being a companion to a wonderful man. There is no more beautiful union in this world than a loving marriage. I really, really, loved being married and having a "whole" family. It was a beautiful thing to combine hopes and dreams, and move forward together into the future. It was... magical. 

I am still a mother, and that is a fulfilling role, of course. But being a mother without a companion is a whole other world. It is not one I would wish on anyone. There are many challenges, but the greatest challenge for me is simply not sharing life with someone. I can "hold down the fort" well enough, and even manage my family and home with great confidence; but there is something about having a companion that sort of validates your existence. I miss being part of a team. I miss having someone who could really see me, all of me, and still love me. I miss that support, and of course, I miss the romance. There is no other relationship that could fulfill the void that is left from being without a companion. Of course I need love and support from others, but it is simply not the same, if you know what I mean.

As it stands now, Charles has become an even more distant memory. It is really quite sad that it happens so quickly. At the beginning it was like the "door" to the spirit world was wide open, and he was so close to me. But now that door feels shut. I do not know that it is a bad thing, because it is truly hard to function when I am always thinking about him, and trying to feel him close -- it makes life more painful, and the separation more intolerable, to always have him on my mind. The more time that passes, the more distanced I feel from him. It is a sad, yet almost necessary process, so that the living can continue being alive.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." - Albus Dumbledore

The night before Charles died, we had a conversation about if either of us would remarry if the other one died. Crazy timing for that conversation, since his death was unexpected and sudden, and yet, it was what we discussed just hours before his heart stopped. He told me he would never remarry, because he would have never married in the first place, had he not met me. It was a sweet thought, but who knows if he would have held to that, or not. We will never know. I, however, said that I would get remarried, because I would not want to walk the earth alone. It is not good to be alone. Sure people can handle it, and make it work; but I dare say those who are alone, wish they were not. I am speaking from experience, and I have heartfelt empathy for all those who face the world alone. It stinks. I could not do it without Jesus.

Awhile back I found an email where Charles wrote, "I will never let you walk this earth alone." Now, as the veil feels thick, and he seems to be far away from me, I wonder what that means? I cannot help but wonder what my future holds. Or, rather, I cannot help but wonder what I will make of my future. As I continue to burst through the fog of grief, I am sure my vision will be made clearer, and I will know what path to take. All I know is God has told me to, "Get myself in order," and so that is what I devote my time and energy towards.

Everything else... it's all about God's timing.

I am terribly excited about the future. I look forward to it with hope for good things to come.

The future is as bright as my faith, and my faith just keeps getting brighter!

So, look at what is on my mind... you know, just normal stuff.