Your Perfect Imperfections

The other night I had a dream. In my dream Charles was there, and he was singing the song, "All of Me." There was nothing profound about the dream, other than I had this intense feeling of love and desire fill my heart. I missed him so much in every way you can miss a person. When I woke up, I could not get the song out of my head, or the feelings out of my heart.  

One of the things I miss the most about Charles is that he loved my "perfect imperfections." None of us are perfect, but I think that we can be perfect for each other. Charles and I were meant to be together, and we were meant to share love in this life, and into the next. When I think of Charles, I have such a romantic surge of emotion fill my heart and head. That is not a new feeling -- I have always felt that way about him. I spoke of him just the same when he was here with me. There was something powerful that pulled us together, something magical, and glorious. 

I must tell you, I miss being loved in this life. I know Charles is always with me, watching over me, and even encircling me with his never-ending love. I feel it all the time. But it is not the same as having him physically here with me. It is not the same as having someone here who supports me in every way possible. One thing I miss the most is having that one person who understands me more than anyone. Of course Charles did not completely understand me -- that is impossible -- but he sure tried to listen, help, and love me no matter what. 

Having that person who you share your all with is a blessing that I truly miss. We all long for that love. I had that love. I have had to learn to live being separated from that love. It is hard. I would not wish it on anyone. It is a lonely road to travel. You can be surrounded by crowds of people and still feel all alone. I read somewhere that the word widow actually means: separate, or empty. I have always hated that word. Please don't think of me as a widow. I do feel overwhelmingly lonely sometimes, but I am certainly not empty. (Though I can be running on low fuel sometimes.)

A year has come and gone and I find my heart even more fragile than before. The time seems to create a distance -- a gap -- between the love and the life that we had, and what life is now. Charles is becoming a memory, and I don't like that. While everyone else moves along on their merry way, he is still my everything, and I still miss him more than ever. I long for him more than ever. The reality that he is gone still comes to the surface sometimes and shocks me; it takes my breath away in unexpected moments. Sure I have learned to live without him well enough, but I have not learned how to not want him. I will always want my Charles. 

Yesterday, I was feeling all sorts of swirling vulnerable feelings in my heart. I was frustrated, and truly disappointed that Charles was gone.  I got in the car, on a normal pickup routine, and I turned on my Pandora station for music. Part of my drive takes me through an old neighborhood that Charles and I lived in for a year. As I drove through our old stomping ground, a rush of memory came over me, and the song, "All of Me," came on the radio. 

As I listened to the song, it felt as if Charles himself were singing it to me, and the tears began to flow. They were pouring down in a steady stream, my eyes began to fill with water. In that moment I became very grateful for sunglasses. In those moments that come -- especially while driving in the car with music -- I feel so close to Charles, and yet so far away. Sometimes it feels like he is in the passenger seat next to me, he seems so close, and yet, that would never be the case; if he were here, he would be the driver, he loved to drive. 

The song, "All of Me," has tormented me many times before. It is a reoccurring song on my music station. But this time was much worse, after having my dream of Charles' serenade. 

The chorus gets me every time: 

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I'm winning

Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you... 

I am grateful for the love that we have shared. I am grateful I still feel his love. But there are days and times when I just feel so very frustrated that he is gone from me; he is out of reach. I miss having someone around who loves me and my imperfections. I miss sharing life with someone who I was so connected with. I miss sharing our imperfections together and being one. 

It is hard to be one, in two different locations. 

Ahhhhh... Love. 

It is amazing how it defies all reason and logic, and consumes your soul into flaming agony.  

Charles, all of me, loves all of you.

Oh, how I miss your perfect imperfections. 

Here is the song I am talking about... I love this rendition with Lindsey Stirling. It sounds even better when Charles is singing it in my dreams. ;) 

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