What Does My Future Hold?

The road before me seems to be shadowed. I feel like I can only see a few steps ahead, and then my vision of things to come is blanketed in mystery. I know that no one knows what is coming in life. No one can foresee events in the future, and where the road of life will take them. We all have life plans, but plans change. Oh, how I know it. 

Life is full of wanted and unwanted change that thrusts us into a fork in the road. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and we can only but choose which direction to take. We can choose our road, and move our feet forward, but we never know where the path will ultimately take us in this life. 

With the new year approaching, I find myself feeling anxious. This last year has been such a whirlwind of intense change, learning, and growing. I scarcely had time to breathe in the major events as they became a quick flash of memory, just moments after they occurred. I have witnessed so many life-changing moments. I have participated in events and activities I never dreamed of. I have traveled and explored a variety of new places. I have learned how to live this new life of mine as a widow. I have discovered a "me" I never knew before. I have been shown my strengths, and been exposed to my weaknesses. I have been tossed in the Refiner's Fire, and I have had my fortitude tested. 

As I consider what I have been through, I stand stronger than I ever imagined. I do not say that in pride, but in sheer amazement. I am strong. I really am. I never knew it before. I know it now. 

As I reflect on this past year, I cannot help but have hope for a bright future ahead. I do not believe I have been required to pass through such difficult trials, just so I could grow in my suffering, and continue suffering indefinitely. I have to believe that there are bright and joyful days ahead for me. I have to believe the best is yet to come -- even in this life... not just in Heaven. 

I know I am meant for certain things. I know who I am supposed to become, I am just not quite sure how to get there? I have a spiritual road map I can follow, I have been given guidance and direction from my Heavenly Father, but I still have to make the choices to get me to where I need to be. I have to choose. I have to act. I have to decide what I will -- and will not -- do. 

I have not yet had any inclination of a direction to go, or which road to choose. I see a few steps ahead, and then nothing -- it goes dark. I have many swirling questions and choices in my mind, none of which require an immediate response, but they all require an eventual decision. At some point, I will have to decide to decide. I know this. I really do. But for now, I feel that I should just steady the course I am on. I should not deviate, just yet. I feel like there might just be events unfolding somewhere, somehow -- events that may just effect my decisions in the future, even the near future. 

I cannot explain this feeling, but something in my gut tells me to be patient, because something is coming. Events are in motion that will make my choice clear. It is not time for me to make huge changes, or life-altering decisions. The time will come to choose and to act. But it is not this day. Not yet. But it is coming. I am ever watchful for my beacon of action to be lit, so I can respond. 

For now, I am inclined to sit awhile at the fork in the road, breathe in-and-out, take some pictures, write about my view, and continue raising my family with faith. This is the path that I see before me, for now. It is all that I know, it is all that feels right, right now. I know it will change. Maybe even soon. I know I could change everything in a moment, just by making choices -- but I feel it would be "jumping the gun" as it were. There is a race to be run, I just need to get on track, and wait for the green light. 

I feel I am currently preparing for a journey... an unknown and mysterious trek. Not necessarily a journey of shifting location, but perhaps a pilgrimage of edification. Eventually, I will choose which road to take, and then, perhaps, my future might become a little more clear to me. Perhaps a few more steps on the path will open to my view -- when I decide which road to take. 

It will, undoubtedly, be a road less traveled. 

My circumstances and disposition demand it. 

Onward, ever onward.