The Burial of My Sweetheart

We laid Charles' body to rest at Pioneer Cemetery, in Idaho City. I had a bit of anxiety leading up to this day. I thought that surely the grief that has still not yet consumed me, would come when I saw the casket. I stood before the casket of the mortal husk of Charles, but the grief did not come. All I felt was peace. 

The last time I saw Charles was when I left him in the hospital room on April 1st. That is a story for another day. All I will say now is that leaving your sweetheart lying lifeless, on a cold hospital bed, is perhaps one of the most surreal and dreadful moments life has to offer. Those moments still haunt me, as they likely always will…I will speak more of those moments in the future.  

But even through all the anguish and gut-wrenching pain, I feel peace. 

Why? How?  

Where is my overwhelming sorrow, confining me to my room, rocking in the fetal position? 

I do not feel it. 

All I feel is an overwhelming sense of peace, comfort, and gratitude.  

Do not get me wrong, I spend many nights crying out to God, as my body trembles and thrashes with heartbreak. But even as I cry out in agony, I know the answers to calm my consuming pain and sorrow. My heart is broken, tears slip from my eyes, my whole being burns with sadness. And yet, in those very same moments of almost intolerable pain, my heart lifts with gratitude to Jesus Christ, The Savior of the World. When I think of Jesus, my soul fills with peace and hope. Because of Him, death is not the end -- it is the beginning. 

I will be with Charles again. I had a very profound image of that reunion come to me last night, and all I can do no now is live each day to its fullest. Though his body is no longer with me, his spirit remains by my side. There are many moments when it feels like nothing has changed. He has just gone on a mission for awhile. We will be together again. 

The burial was on Wednesday. It was a beautiful day. The drive to Idaho City is a lovely one. As you are driving, there is a huge message in white on the side of the green-covered mountain that says "Jesus Loves You." What a sweet reminder. The cemetery is beautiful and full of a special spirit. There is a sense of tranquility in the air. 

Most of my family members, and Charles' family, had gone home, so there was just a small gathering. 

The night before the burial, I decided that it would be appropriate to wear my cowgirl hat. Charles got it for me, and he loved it when I wore it, but I just don't often have a chance. I am not quite bold, or brave, enough to wear it to the grocery store, yet. It just felt like the right thing to do, in Idaho City. And it was. 

The Bishop said a few words, and he asked us all to share a memory of Charles. It was really special to hear about Charles moments. I love to hear anything about him. I think in the future I will request memories from anyone who knew him. 

 My mom said some sweet things about Charles, she mentioned that at first she did not think he was "the one" for me, but after a very short amount of time, realized that he was in fact perfect for me. Notice the ring on my thumb…that is Charles' ring, and that is where it will stay. I am going to have it inscribed with "My Precious" in Elvish. I just need to find where to do that….Oh, and my wedding ring did not fit until just a few weeks ago. Very timely, I should say. 

My dad gave the dedicatory prayer. He did a wonderful job. While he was praying, a gentle wind blew in through the trees. The wind has always been meaningful to me and Charles, and now it feels to me as if Charles is in the wind. Especially up in the Pioneer Cemetery. 

Normally, you would leave before the casket is placed into the ground. But I insisted on staying and watching the whole thing. The casket goes into a cement vault, to protect it from the elements.

We stayed and watched as they put the vault and casket into the ground. A few days before we had watched them dig the grave. You would think that this would be a strange thing to watch, but it was not. None of it felt strange. It felt like the right thing to do -- to watch and see how all of these things are done. It is not for everyone, but it was right for me. 

All of these kind of moments are very dreamlike. Every moment since the moment my life changed forever, has felt like an out-of-body experience. 

I stayed and watched as they placed the dirt over the grave. We are still working on the headstone, that will take some time to have finished, before they set it up. 

We had some great friends there, and grabbed a few pictures…

The Bishop presented Charles with the Adult Scouting medal. He loved the Scouting program, and he LOVED the boys he worked with. It is now a treasure for our family. 

The reason that this was not a horribly miserable day was because Charles is very much alive, and well. He is just as much alive as he ever was, and very much more alive, and happy now. His mortal shell is laid to rest, for now, until the Savior comes again (hopefully sooner, than later!). But his spirit is free and living! My six year old, William, says he talks to him all the time. I asked William what daddy has said to him, and William said, "He told me he will be back in the Second Coming."

He lives, and he is still with my family, take comfort in that. It is not the same as before, it is very different, but it is still special and very powerful. We are still a whole family.

We laid Charles' body in the earth, but he will rise again.

 I love Jesus.

 Happy Easter!

*On a side note, I was told by the funeral director that they point the head/headstone towards the West so that when Jesus comes again in the East, they will be able to sit-up, and rise to greet Him. I must say I long for that day now, when Jesus returns -- but until then, I will praise His name forever.