Movies, Music, and Mourning

I find myself crying almost daily now. Most of the time I save my tears for the evening hours when it is dark, quiet, and I am mostly alone. But sometimes the tears come without warning, at random times of the day. I do find that tears are usually triggered by emotion-filled music, or perhaps a movie. But sometimes I cry just because I feel like crying.

I have found that music, in particular, can be healing -- but it can also be painful. I love music, but it is very powerful stuff that can cause incredible emotional reactions. Now it seems like music can reach in and grab the very sensitive pieces of my soul, then music beats my tender emotions like a dirty rug. Whack, whack, WHACK!

For example, I recall listening to music on a Pandora station just a few days after Charles left this world. I was doing fine until the song, "On my Own," from Les Mis came on. What was once one of my favorite songs to sing around the house, caused very strong emotions to pour from my eyes, and my soul. Yes, I was left exhibiting the "ugly-cry."

Let's consider some of the lyrics...

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him til morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines live silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever...

The song goes on, and gets emotionally worse. I try to avoid most of the music from Les Mis right now: I Dreamed a Dream, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, Bring Him Home...yep, they all need to wait. Ouch! What was once my favorite music, is now just heart-wrenching, and tear-inducing.

Music and emotions can just kind of creep-up on me. I can be totally fine with one song, and another can cause my eyes to leak a years worth of tears. I am usually the most vulnerable when I am driving in the morning. Morning is probably my most difficult time, as I have never been a morning person, and it takes me a minute to shake-off sleep, and enter the real world. I am usually pretty good though, once my brain starts working properly. Sometimes mornings are fine, and other times I find myself waking-up with the heaviness and harsh reality, that my sweetheart is gone. Yes, despite my protective bubble of faith, and desire for joy, I do feel normal emotions. Very raw, and very real emotions, each and every day. The miracle is feeling my painful emotions, but also having the ability to work through them, with God's loving hand and help. Sometimes the pain is taken away completely, and other times it is heavy.

I was in the car yesterday, driving to our storage unit, with Daniel. As soon as I got in the car, the song, "My Heart will Go On," (The theme song from Titanic) came on the radio. It is a good thing I had sunglasses on -- crying and driving really do not mix well. This song is WAY too close to home for me right now... I tried really hard to hide my tears, but failed at my attempt. I suppose I could have turned the radio off, but sometimes I like to remind myself I am human, and I like to feel the sting of deep feeling in my heart -- it makes me feel alive.

My Heart will Go On Lyrics

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go til we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Yep, major OUCH!

Tonight, for movie night, we watched Saving Mr. Banks. If you have not seen it, you should, it is a lovely movie. However, it made my heart ache. This was one of the last movies we watched together as a family, before Charles died. I remember Charles said he identified with the sick and troubled father in the movie, which broke my heart then, and doubly broke it watching it now. It made it even worse since the father had some physical similarities to Charles, along with personality traits -- dark and handsome, imaginative and playful. As I watched the scene where the youthful and once lively father lay dying, I was amazed at how similar his face looked to Charles'. The lifeless coloring on his face was identical to how Charles looked lying on the hospital bed, after taking his last breath.

I cannot express how hard it was to see such a charming and dynamic life part from this world. Charles had such a beautiful face, and wonderful energy. I know he still lives, but his beautiful body has been laid to rest, and some days that reality is a little too intense for my heart. I miss his warm and comforting brown eyes. He had my favorite eyes in all the world. I miss his soothing voice and playful laugh. I am getting much, much, closer to writing more about that day, and other more delicate feelings -- I need to write about it soon, so I remember all the details. The movie tonight brought some of those feelings to the surface. I forced myself to watch the movie tonight, because tonight, I wanted to feel the emotion. I cried buckets of tears. Sometimes I just need to cry. It makes me feel close to Charles.

So far, I have written mostly uplifting posts, focused on faith and hope, and all that I have said and experienced is true. But I also want you to know that I am normal, and I have very real emotions that come flying to the surface whenever they please. I am not immune from such bursts of feeling. They come and go throughout each day. It can be as simple as seeing a random guy with a beard, or a car that looked like Charles' car driving by, or opening his bathroom drawer to find his unused razors and hair gel, or seeing his name on my list of contacts on my phone. There are a million little reminders that whisper the reality that Charles -- at least physical Charles -- is no longer with me.

And the reality is...

I miss him, desperately.